Learning to Breathe Again
by Grissom1
Summary: It's been almost a year since Sara's departure from Vegas but soon she is caught up in her own CSI case requesting the team's assistance. Will Grissom be able to help? A surprise old menace returns. GSR as always
1. Chapter 1

**Learning to Breathe Again**

_I know you have a little life in you yet._

_I know you have a lot of strength left._

_Kate Bush from This Woman's Work _

He had watched helplessly one night when she had been held captive by Adam Trent and he swore he would stop running if he were given another chance. She had gone home that night and he had followed, knocking on her door and surprising both of them when he took her into his arms and kissed her. The event had started a secret relationship between the two, hidden from the others until she was taken.

_And then she was taken…_

He recalled the frantic search for her in those desperate hours. His mind raced back to their last words just that night, to the last time they had made love which was hours ago, to their last kiss just that morning and yet he felt he had wasted so much time. He felt their eyes on him as he barked out orders and yet he wanted to sit down and tell himself to breathe not sure he would remember to do it if they found her lifeless body.

_The only person I've ever loved…_

He said it out loud without thinking of the consequences. The words slipped from his lips as he proclaimed his love for Sara. They had been so successful at hiding their relationship from the others except Natalie knew. She watched as his hand slipped down her arm sending ripples down her back as they exchanged glances. The look went unnoticed to all but Natalie. It was what she did. She observed. It had been a mistake for them that would almost cost Sara her life but Natalie was not prepared for Sara's determination to live.

As the water poured into the car, Sara struggled to free herself. She had to live. She had Grissom. She had him finally after seven years. Two years was not enough. She wanted more. She needed more. She took a gulp of air and then plunged down deep forcing her arm from its prison and then she was struggling to the top and gasping for air. She felt herself swallow the sand filled water. She found herself soon out of the death trap only to be emerged into another as she walked through the hot desert longing for water just hours after her prayer to take the water away.

She swallowed deeply and felt the sand slide down her throat. Her lungs burned and yet she forced herself to keep moving. He would be there soon. She knew it. He would find her any minute and she was determined to have another moment with him even if it were to breathe her last breath. She wanted that moment.

_And she was found_…

He had hopped into that chopper and held her hand as she struggled to breathe. Her eyes opened and he was there. She read the name on the jacket "G-R-I-S-S-O-M" and told herself it was the most perfect name in the world because it belonged to him. She belonged to him. She had from the moment she met him. It just took him seven years to accept that and once he did she had finally felt as if she was worthy of life.

They had their moment and then there was another and another. She had defied the odds like Nick. The hospital stay had been short. One minute she was being examined and then there was the cast and the x rays and the consultation about her lungs and then the hours of nothingness where her body was pumped with drugs and she forgot for a moment that she had struggled to breathe, her lungs partially cleared of the sand and the debris she had swallowed while under that Mustang.

She was home within days. She was walking the dog and doing house chores and they began to pretend as if nothing had happened with only a few reminders such as the arm in its sling and the scratches on her face. She was given medical leave for a few weeks and while she remained off work Sara had continued with her same sleeping pattern telling herself she would return to grave yard but knowing that personnel would not allow this since he had let their relationship be known to all. Things were almost the same except for the dreams.

The dreams were intense sending her into fits of screams filled with sweat and tears and gasps for air. He had been there at first. Both suffered through the dreams for awhile but then that stopped. She no longer had the dreams when he was home but when he was working and she was there to endure them alone. She was sent to swing and it further complicated their lives as she spiraled downward.

She found herself sleeping less and walking Bruno at all hours. She hid the insomnia by telling herself she was just avoiding the dreams but then she remembered it had begun before Natalie but Natalie and the Mustang and the desert was a better excuse. She displayed the sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet and yet nothing was said.

Her talks with the office psychologist were marked on the calendar in the kitchen and no mention of the visits was made even though they had started before the abduction. Her stamina lagged and she found herself more and more tired with each day. Her body was placed in turmoil as she made the switch to another shift. They waited for Ecklie to complete the investigation and for personnel to make their ruling on disciplinary action for his admission into their relationship.

He wondered if he had not uttered those words then perhaps she would not have left, leaving everything behind including him, the dog and their home. He knew it had been difficult when she was transferred to another shift but then she seemed to fall back into her work. She had always professed her love to him and she had not seemed to waiver even though she was taken from her friends and placed with others who knew little about her quirks or who could watch for the danger signs when she was forgetting to breathe as the cases pulled her down each day until she felt she was back under that damn fire engine red Mustang.

The injuries from the red Mustang were minimal compared to the wounds she suffered from Natalie. He chose to ignore those wounds and focused only on the visible ones just as he chose to avoid the other wounds she carried since childhood. He longed for their old routine and thus refused to see the danger signs. He continued to act as though nothing had happened as she plunged back into her work not heeding the danger signs her mind and body were screaming at her…at him.

He lay there as he reached for her but her side of the bed remained cold and empty. He pulled her pillow tight but it was no longer comforting. Her scent was now gone. Even the clothes that had been left in the closet no longer contained that familiar scent. He tossed once more before letting exhaustion take him and he slept. It was another fitful dream of searching the desert and then seeing the half immersed body in the sand. He felt himself digging only to find her lifeless body. He sat up quickly and wiped the sweat from his brow and he willed his heart to slow.

_She was found…_

_She's alive…_

_She's out there somewhere…_

_She survived…_

There were a number of dreams that visited him and with each one came the pain of knowing that he had not lost her to Natalie but that she had just left. It had not made any sense and the more he tried to make sense of it the angrier he became.

He opened the desk drawer and found the letter tucked deep inside. He knew it was there. It had remained there ever since she had left. He told himself she would be back in a few weeks but as the weeks passed, he told himself she was on a sabbatical and would return in a month. He opened the letter and read it once more. The paper was now worn and tattered but he could make out the words.

_Gil,_

_You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever. Lately I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired. Out in the desert under that car I realized something and I haven't been able to shake _

_it. Since my father died I've spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We've been like close friends and out there in the desert it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that _

_here. I'm so sorry. No matter how hard I tried to fight it off I'm left with the feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going but I know I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self destruct _

_and you'll be there to see it happen. Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. You are my one and only. My heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever had. I wouldn't trade it for anything. _

_I love you. I always will. _

_Goodbye _

He had been hopeful when she had called one night. Her voice wavered a bit but she told him she was fine. She had told him she would not be returning to work. He knew it when she left. She had crossed the line of burnout. He had seen it before with other workers. He just never imagined it would happen to Sara.

She had told him she was getting better after visiting her mother and now she was at a crossroads but needed to hear his voice. He had needed more. He had needed her back. They had quarreled and she had not gotten around to telling him why she had called. The reason had been lost over the quarrel. He had let his anger spill forth and she had retreated once more.

He folded the letter back and shoved it a bit further into the desk drawer. She stood there now in the door way and he smiled. It had been a long time since he had felt like smiling. He was grateful for her company.

"Ready?" she asked.

"Dinner?" he asked.

"I could cook?" she offered.

He accepted.

He picked up his things and headed out the door with Sofia.

She watched him out of the corner of her eye as she put the last finishing touches to the dinner. He found himself looking around the house. It had been the first time that someone else had been here since she left. Her things were still immersed with his. He could not bring himself to remove her things and place them in storage.

She pretended not to notice them but she knew he had kept the house the same as if he expected her to return. They sat that night and enjoyed the meal. She was easy to talk with and he had begun to look forward to these nights. He told himself it was friendship but he knew that Sofia wanted something more.

"Gil?"

"Yes?"

"Don't you think it's time you let her go?" she asked.

She regretted saying anything the moment she saw his face.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything," she said as she began to clean up.

He was speechless. The awkward moment passed as he followed her into the kitchen and assisted with the cleanup.

"You're a great cook. Sara…." He stopped himself not believing he had uttered her name. It seemed to echo throughout the house.

"Sara, what?"

"She never cooked much. She left that up to me," he said quietly.

"I'll have to get you to cook for me then," she said.

He smiled.

"Gil?"

"Hmm?"

"She left you. She's not coming back….it's been almost a year."

He said nothing.

She came to stand in front of him and wrapped her arms around him.

"She's gone but I'm here."

He closed his eyes and accepted the embrace. It was warm and tempting. He imagined what it would be like to hold her once more. He found himself holding her closer as his lips dipped down to meet hers. The moment his lips touched hers, he knew it was not her. It was not Sara. He forced himself to respond but yet there was nothing. He felt nothing. He told himself it was a mistake but now as he felt her hand slide down his waist, he forced himself to remain still.

He was actually relieved the moment his phone rang and he reached for it as Sofia stepped away.

"Grissom."

"There's been a kidnapping," said Brass. "A small community about fifty miles from here."

"And we're being called in?" he asked.

"We're the closest….it was a six month old baby."

"I'm on my way," he said as he closed the phone.

He met the others at the site. It was a beautiful two story house in the country. As he walked up the front steps he noticed the front porch swing. A small toy sat there. He opened the door and entered. To the right the room opened into a study where someone sat in a chair near the fire. A man knelt holding her hand.

_The parents…_

_They must be devastated…_

_Or covering their tracks…_

He wasn't sure when he had become so cynical. He started to go up the stairs when he felt a hand on his arm.

It was Brass.

"We need to talk outside a moment," he said a bit agitated.

Grissom glanced into the room but Brass was pulling him out on the porch.

"What's wrong?"

"It's Sara."

He face grew white.

"The victim's mother is Sara….Gil, she's in there. She's pretty shook up. Her six month old son is missing."

He stepped back to catch his breath.

Note from author:

Welcome back to those that have been reading my stories. To those that are new, I hope you will enjoy the story. All I ask is that you leave a review for each chapter. It's not much to ask for the time I spend coming up with these tales.

Take Care!

Penny


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two:**

_Of all the things I should've said,_

_That I never said._

_All the things we should've done,_

_Though we never did._

_All the things I should've given,_

_But I didn't…._

_Kate Bush, This Woman's Work_

He released the air he had not realized he had been holding once Brass mentioned her name. He tried to wrap his brain around the words but he was stuck on "child," "Sara's child." It seemed surreal. He stood there waiting any moment to wake up from the nightmare but Brass continued with the details as he made him repeat everything twice. Brass hesitated a moment before continuing.

"Sara and a gentleman by the name of Brad Anderson were asleep upstairs. The baby was in the next room. When Sara woke to check on the baby, he was gone."

"He? She has a son?" he asked.

"His name is Matthew, six months old."

Grissom stood there motionless.

"Are you okay with this?" asked Brass.

"Does she know we're going to work the case?" he asked.

"She requested us."

He returned inside and headed for the stairs. As he ascended each one, he looked at the pictures of the baby. He felt his jaw tighten with each step. When he reached the top of the stairs, he came face to face with a photo of Sara and the baby.

_She leaves to face her ghosts…_

_She begins a new life…._

_Meets someone else…_

_has a child..._

_Never tells me..._

He entered the baby room first. It was immaculate. He wiped his glove along the dresser and there was no dust. He walked about the room and took note of the how it was positioned. He glanced at the window and saw that it was open and a slight breeze filled the room. He looked at the window sill and saw no markings of forcible entry. He glanced out the window and saw Nick standing below.

"No footprints," he called up to him.

He returned his attention to the room. He stood and stared at the empty crib. He turned to stare at the rocking chair and envisioned her sitting there holding the baby. His chest tightened and he breathed in deeply letting the air fill his lungs. The air was sweet. It had been years since the Debbie Marlin case that he had let his personal life interfere with a case. He closed his eyes tightly and opened them again. The rocker was now empty but it swayed slightly from the force of the wind coming from the window. He then found himself walking out as he walked to the next room and stood at the entrance. A familiar scent floated in the air.

It was her room. He saw the bed covers tossed about and her window was open as well. He examined the window sill and found nothing. He stared at the bed and she was there for a second. Her hand tucked under her head with the curls covering her cheeks. He stepped forward but the bed was now empty. He found himself standing next to it as he placed his hand on the pillow that supported her head. She had rarely used a pillow when they slept together. Her head was always in the nook of his shoulder and he had learned to sleep on his back so that her body would remain curled up next to him. It was a small discomfort for such pleasure she brought to his body.

He refused to look on the other side but let his eyes roam around the room. It was neat and clean and hers. He recognized some of the clothing hanging in the closet and she still wore the same running shoes that sat in her closet. The shoe lace was still frayed where Bruno had chewed it one evening while she rested in his lap on the couch. He yanked down the covers and stared at the empty bed. He hesitated a moment as he contemplated searching for semen or hairs or any evidence of foul play but the baby room next to hers told him she had been unfaithful and he gulped for air as he backed out of the room. It had been too much and yet he would not allow any of the others access to the upstairs until he was finished.

_Just like Debbie Marlin case…._

_I saw her in everything…._

_She was everywhere…_

_Only this is Sara's home…_

_Not ours…_

_Not mine…_

_Hers…._

_And his…_

He breathed deeply and returned to her room to process her bathroom. Little was found. It was neat and the medicine cabinet hid nothing except the prescription inhaler and a prescription for pneumonia. He glanced at the date and saw that it had recently been dispensed.

_No sleeping pills…._

_No longer has trouble sleeping…_

There was the usual shampoo, conditioner and products that used to crowd his bathroom. His bathroom was now empty. It had been empty for so long just as his bed. He sat down on the edge of the tub and suddenly he could see her immersed in a bubble bath. The sweet smell of lavender filled his nostrils and he shook his head forcing his eyes shut for a moment. He opened them and the tub was now empty. He reminded himself to breathe.

He spent the next several hours going through the nursery again and felt his knees pop when he stood.

_Probably realized I was too old…_

_Probably went for a much younger man…_

_She said she would always love me…_

_She lied…._

_She lied about a lot of things…_

There was another room across from hers and he stepped inside. The smell of cologne was faint. There was nothing to indicate it belonged to any person. The bed was neat. There were no wrinkles in the covering and there was nothing out of place. He surmised it was a guest room. It did not take as long as he went through every inch of it. He stepped back out and then faced another door. He tried the handle but it was locked.

_A closet…._

_A locked closet…_

_More secrets…_

_Her secrets…._

He returned to her room and felt strong enough to finally process the room. Her gown lay in the chair next to the bed. He recognized it immediately. He had seen her wear it before. He had removed it from her. He wondered if the man downstairs had done the same thing. It used to be one of his favorites. He no longer liked it. He no longer liked her. With each hair and fiber, he told himself to remove himself from the equation but his chest tightened and he found himself gasping for air.

_Breathe…_

_Just breathe…_

_Breathe in…_

_Breathe out…_

_Why did she have to leave me…_

He did the hallway next and determined the woman did nothing but clean. There was little or nothing to show for the hours he had spent collecting the evidence. He groaned as he stood. He collected the evidence bags and then carried them downstairs. He had dreaded this moment. He handed the things over to Greg and then stepped into the other room where he now knew she sat in the chair.

He came and stood across from them. He pretended he did not notice how the man's hand tightened its hold on her hand.

_I used to hold her hand…_

_To comfort her…._

_I don't want to comfort her anymore…_

She turned in his direction and they stared at one another.

Cold blue eyes met the same saddened brown eyes.

"There were only a few hair fibers found in Matthew's room."

Just the sound of his voice sent shivers down her back as she leaned back and closed her eyes.

_His name on his lips…_

_My baby's name on his lips…_

_The sound of his voice after all this time…._

_I used to find comfort in his voice…_

_I find none now…_

Brass began to recount what Sara had already told them.

"Sara and Brad were upstairs asleep. Matthew was asleep by 8:30 pm. They retired around 11:00 pm. Sara checked on Matthew at that time. She woke this morning and found him missing."

"Didn't you check on your son during any part of the night?"

The sound of 'your son' seemed cold.

She sat there and said nothing.

"Sara!"

She jumped from the sound of his voice and their eyes met once more. He saw the tears pooling in hers but his remained cold and unnerving.

"I check on him several times each night…but I didn't last night," she said in a low voice.

"Were you too preoccupied last night?"

She knew his insinuation and she turned to stare at the fire.

"I couldn't wake up," she said.

"I'm a heavy sleeper but Sara is up several times at night. I don't know why she didn't last night," said Brad.

"Were you drinking?" he asked noticing how she flinched and then stood to walk out of the room.

"I've not seen Sara take a drink in years," said Brad.

"Years?" asked Grissom now confused by his statement.

"I've known Sara for years. We worked together in San Francisco. This is my aunt's house. Sara moved here after she left Vegas. We both did."

His jaw twitched.

_She goes back to San Francisco…._

_Buries old ghosts with mommy dearest…_

_Then meets her old flame…_

She disappeared from the room. He was relieved when she left.

"The juice…Sara said the juice tasted funny," he suddenly blurted out.

"Juice?" asked Brass.

"She had a glass of juice…orange juice about a half hour before bed when she took her medication."

Grissom headed to the kitchen.

She stood there with arms folded about her as she looked out the window. She held a glass in her hand.

He jerked it out of her hand and she whipped around to face him.

"Orange juice?" he asked.

She did not reply.

"Did you drink this last night?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Did you drink any of it right now?" he asked.

"Yes."

"How much?"

"Half a glass…do you think there's something in the juice?"

He poured the contents into a container and then searched the kitchen finding another glass in the sink.

"Your glass from last night?" he asked.

She nodded.

He took that as well.

"Grissom…"

"It's probably a sedative of sorts," he said as he turned and started to leave but stopped.

"It would be wise not to eat or drink anything in the house until we've had time to analyze this but then your CSI training should have told you to treat the entire house as a crime scene." His words were cold.

She watched as he left. She stood there with her arms folded about her willing her body to keep from crumbling to the floor.

_He hates me…_

_He hates me for having Matthew…_

He walked outside and took in a deep gulp of air. He exhaled slowly as he found Brass beside him.

"You okay?"

"What do you know about Brad…could he have…"

"Sara trusts him with her life…I don't think he would have…"

"What about Sara?"

"I'll pretend you didn't say that," he said in a low threatening voice.

"We haven't seen her in almost a year then all of a sudden she reappears with this new family in this picturesque house in the country…"

"I think you had better get control of your jealousy and get your head out of your ass. Right now!" he said as he turned and walked away.

He stood and watched as Brad got into a vehicle and drove away.

_Why would he be leaving at a time like this?_

_Where is he going when his son is missing?_

He returned inside the house. He ascended the stairs once more and cursed when he found her in the nursery despite the tape that blocked the doorway.

"You're not supposed to be in here," he said.

She ignored him as she searched the bed frantically. When it was not inside the bed, she looked under it.

"What are you doing?" he asked finally.

"His favorite toy is missing. He cries if he doesn't have it. He needs it to go to sleep. It's gone. It's not here. He must have reached for it…it was sitting on the dresser…if he was awake why didn't I hear him? Why would the kidnapper take it? How would they know to take it?" she asked.

"Unless it's someone who knows Matthew…or the kidnapper has been watching you," he said.

"This is a quiet town…nothing ever happens here unless someone runs the stop sign at the corner near the square or Mr. Fletcher's cattle get out and go on a rampage."

"You need to leave the room," he said.

She grabbed a blanket but he took it from her.

"I need something of his," she said almost pleading.

"You know procedure. You can't cross a crime scene…" he said.

She started to leave when he reached out but stopped just as his hand almost made contact with her skin.

"There's a locked door," he said.

"Closet."

"I'll need access."

"It's just a closet."

"You're just a possible suspect."

She flinched.

He glared.

She felt the heaviness in her chest at his insinuation.

_He hates me…_

She walked over to the dresser and retrieved a key. She walked out to the closet and hesitated for a moment before unlocking it.

She left. She hurried down the stairs and headed to her car. He heard the downstairs door open and shut followed by the opening of a car door outside. He looked out the window and watched as she pulled out a blanket from the car seat.

He walked back to the closet and opened it. Her kit sat in the floor. It was as if she had just sat it there after a day's work. It was spotless. He then saw a sweater jacket hanging there and he recognized it as his own. He touched it and then leaned in to check on the top of the shelf in the closet and noticed the jacket smelled of her. He pulled down the box on the shelf and found her gun. It was loaded. There was also a stack of photos. They were of the gang the day they had raced around the track. There were photos of their last time in the park and then a few of him sitting in his study. They were worn.

_She locked us away in a closet…_

_Puts it behind her…_

_under lock and key…_

He locked the closet once again and walked downstairs.

She sat there in the porch swing hugging the baby blanket as a van arrived. She watched as dogs were brought out. She closed her eyes from the barking as she willed the pain to leave her head. She felt a slight touch and opened her eyes to find Greg standing there.

"They're going to need something with his scent," he said. She stared at the blanket for a moment and then handed it to Greg. He took the blanket over to the handler and watched as the dogs smelled it.

He stood in the doorway and watched her expression. The dogs began to run around the house. She jumped up but Greg blocked her path. She sat back down. She watched in agony as the dogs ran around and around the house. There would be no trail to follow. The kidnapper had made sure of it. She covered her ears and then found herself running past him. Grissom turned and watched her run into the study.

She sat back down in the chair near the fireplace. He saw her shoulders shake and he left the room leaving her to cry alone.

"Where was Brad off to?"asked Grissom to Brass.

"He's in the guard. He's been called up. He's going into town to see his fiancé before leaving. He's going to ask her to check in on Sara…"

"Fiancé?"

He looked at Grissom. "You never bothered to read the report did you? Brad is a friend. He convinced Sara to move here almost a year ago. She later purchased the house from him. He travels quite a bit but became engaged about six months ago. Wedding has been put on hold because he was called into active duty."

Grissom still stared.

"You thought they were sleeping together? You thought he was the father? Better get your ass back up those steps and look at those pictures on the wall."

He sat down on the step and tried to breathe.

Note from author:

Thanks for the reviews. Please be kind and leave one if you are reading along. Remember things are not as they seem in my stories so don't panic. The story will unfold in due time. Some have asked for the length and frankly I am on chapter thirty two and have stopped. By releasing it, I will be forced to finish it. LOL Don't worry…the story does not center around only the abduction. It focuses on Sara and Grissom's relationship.

Take care!

Penny


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three:**

The guys stood huddled together outside as they overheard the conversation between Grissom and Brass. They watched as Grissom sat there and by his sheer expression they knew he was not prepared for the news.

"You think he had any idea?" asked Greg.

"No. Look at him. He's as shocked as we are," said Warrick.

"Did she have any contact with either of you?" asked Nick.

They shook their head.

"You think she had any contact with Bass or Catherine?" asked Nick.

They shrugged.

"It's his fault," said Greg.

"Why do you say that?" asked Warrick.

"She never would have left unless he did something," said Greg.

"Why didn't she tell us?" asked Nick. "I mean I thought we were close. I know she was going through some things…she seemed distant those last few weeks but I just thought she needed some time to herself. Sara always dealt with things on her own," he said.

"I know what you mean. She caught me with some sleeping pills and commented about them. I should have put two and two together and seen she was in trouble herself and needed help," said Warrick. "I would have helped."

"She was always there for us but I don't think any of us was there when she needed us…at least we didn't know she needed us," said Nick.

Warrick nodded but Greg said nothing. He knew something was wrong but she would not open up to him. He remembered their conversation that day in the locker room.

_Sara sat in the locker room, staring at the floor. Greg saw her sitting there and popped in._

"_What's up?" asked Greg._

"_You know in the slasher movies when they go after the dark haired girl and she always dies," said Sara._

"_Yeah and the blonde always lives." Greg came over and sat down. "Aren't you glad it wasn't a movie?"_

_Sara laughed with Greg. He noticed her laugh was not the genuine kind but rather a sad kind of laugh. _

"_I think I'm sick of having death shoved in my face every day. The murder rate has gone up every year since I've been here. It's totally out of control and we're not even slowing them down."_

He had not been prepared for her vulnerability and by the time he had recovered from the shock she was up and gone.

_I should have gone after her that day... _

_I should have insisted on talking through that…_

_She was reaching out and I didn't listen…_

_None of us did…._

_Not even Grissom…_

_He's not listening now…_

"What's Grissom so mad about?" asked Greg. "I mean he's acting as though Sara committed some crime. Sara would never harm her child."

"I think he believes she was involved with someone," said Nick. "He's got jealousy written all over him."

Greg cursed quietly. It made the other two look around. "She should be the one who should be jealous. Grissom is the one who…"

"Let's not get in the middle of that. That's between the two of them," said Nick.

"Yeah. Sara has enough on her mind right now with her son missing," said Warrick.

"I can't believe she's only been fifty miles away," said Nick looking around the house.

"She should have told us," said Greg.

"I'm sure she had her reasons," said Nick.

Warrick nodded his head.

The conversation did not set well with Greg. He had missed her. He had missed her more than anything and with each day he had blamed Grissom but in the end he blamed Sara because she had not told him anything. It had hurt.

They were quiet once more as they watched Grissom stand and head back into the house. Catherine came and stood with them.

"Hey, have of you spoken with Sara yet?" asked Catherine.

They shook their head.

"She involved with anyone?" she asked.

They looked at one another. It was Nick who spoke up. "Yes, she is. He just went into the house."

Catherine glanced over and saw Grissom head upstairs.

"It figures. I could never see her with anyone but him," she said.

"Do you think it was a kidnapping?" asked Greg.

"It doesn't feel like a kidnapping," said Catherine. "Could be just someone who wanted a baby…saw her in town and then followed her home."

"It's Grissom's," said Nick.

They stared at one another. No one disputed it but there was a silence among them.

"Do you think we're going to find him?" asked Greg.

"Little to go on," said Catherine.

"Grissom found very little evidence," admitted Greg.

"Look, you guys found me. We found Sara," said Nick.

"I don't know about this case," said Warrick. "I have a bad feeling about this case."

"You've had a bad feeling ever since you got a divorce," said Nick.

Catherine glanced at Warrick.

"I'm not sure how Sara is going to handle this if we don't find him," said Catherine.

"How do you think she is going to handle it if we find him dead?" asked Greg.

"Don't say that!" said Nick angrily. "You never say that in a missing person's case, man."

"I just mean…I'm worried about her. She doesn't look well," he said.

"I know what you mean," said Warrick.

"Do you know what she's been doing this past year?" asked Catherine.

"Raising her son," said Brass. "Shouldn't you guys be doing something?"

They dispersed. Catherine remained there.

"Look you can make them scatter with one look but not me. What's up with Grissom? Is he okay?" she asked.

"Doesn't say much. Of course he hasn't said much this past year," said Brass.

"Neither have you," she said accusingly.

"I'm just as surprised as the rest of you. I knew nothing about the baby," he said sipping on the coffee in his hand.

She looked at him again.

"No, I didn't know she lived this close…if I did I would have come for a visit especially when he hit the low point a few months ago."

She nodded. "Me too."

They were both quiet for a moment.

"You think she will find out about Sofia?" asked Catherine.

"I hope not," he said. "Kid has enough to deal with right now."

She nodded.

"Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"She meant nothing to him."

"I know that….but Sara wouldn't."

"Between you and me…what are our chances of finding him?" she asked.

"Not good…I'm worried for both of them," said Brass as he walked away.

He came and stood near the other officers as she drove up. She got out of her car and he greeted her.

"Didn't know you were working tonight?" he asked.

"My date got called in to work…thought I would come and help," said Sofia.

"You thought you would come and see if the rumor was true. Sara's child was kidnapped tonight," he said staring at her.

"It's true I had heard but I wasn't here for that….I was here to support Gil. How's he doing?" she asked looking around outside for him.

"He's with Sara….where he should be," said Brass hoping to get a rise out of her.

"I'm sure it's been hard on him…seeing her after she left him the way she did…letting him face personnel on his own."

"Of course you made sure you were available as soon as you heard she had left town. That was so noble of you."

"Look, I know you haven't agreed with our relationship but…"

"You haven't had a relationship with him. No one has had a relationship with him except Sara."

He watched as she tried to hide her anger. It made him smile inwardly. He had not liked Sofia from the moment she had begun badmouthing Sara for leaving. They had taken her departure hard and yet none of them had said anything hurtful toward Sara. Sofia had taken great strides at letting it be known she had not approved of her departure claiming it had be heartless and disloyal to Grissom. He now stood and watched as she began her assault once more.

"Sara thought of no one but herself when she…"

"You know nothing about their relationship. It would be wise to not speak about things you know nothing about. Besides, there are those of us who will speak up for Sara anytime someone bad mouths her for any reason. You wouldn't be one of those persons would you?" he asked.

She stepped away. He finished the coffee and told himself he would need something stronger before the night was over. He watched as she walked over to the other officers and start up a conversation. He cursed. He had hoped she would leave.

_She has no business here…._

_She's just going to make things more painful…_

He felt someone by him and he turned and found the others.

"What's she doing here?" asked Greg.

"Yeah. I thought it was her night off. I overheard her tell Judy she was having dinner with Grissom," said Catherine.

"I guess she decided to chase him all the way out here," said Greg.

"You know she's been badmouthing Sara ever since…" began Nick.

"I know. One of the officers told me about it," said Warrick. "What's she got against Sara?"

"Grissom," said Greg. "She wants him all to herself."

"She can't stand it that he still cares for Sara," said Catherine.

"Couldn't prove it in there," said Greg. "Grissom was hateful to Sara."

They looked at one another and then Brass.

Brass felt all eyes on him. "I think he's jealous…he thinks Sara and Brad were…"

"But he has a fiancé in town…didn't he bother reading the report?" asked Nick.

"No," replied Brass. "I think he wished he had now."

Note from author:

The reviews have been great. Please continue. I would like to post another chapter soon so let's hurry and get through this one. Thanks for following along! Remember, all questions that have been posed in the reviews will be answered. Chapter four explains a lot…Trust me…

Take care!

Penny


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four:**

He did the math in his head and then glanced at the birth date on the report for Matthew.

_He's mine…_

_Isn't he?_

His insecurity made him question what he already knew.

He came to stand in front of her and waited for her to acknowledge his presence. She looked up and saw his anger. She saw his jaw set and his blue eyes darkened as if a storm was brewing. She shivered inwardly.

"Who is Matthew's father?" he asked.

She stared at him as her brown eyes darkened.

"You have no right to ask me that!" she said.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he yelled.

"I did!"

"That's bullshit Sara!"

She closed her eyes and felt a splitting headache emerge.

"It was your choice," she said trying to stop the shaking in her voice.

"I don't remember making a choice! I remember how we quarreled and then you stopped calling."

"I don't remembering getting a phone call from you!" she yelled back.

"That's no excuse to hide something like this!"

"I didn't!"

"You could have at least told me about his birth," he said.

"You chose not to be involved! I wrote you several times… and yet you never bothered to pick up the phone and call. I left you messages at the office when I couldn't reach you on that damn cell phone you kept turned off. I stopped when you didn't call or write."

"I never got a single message or a letter," he said heaving.

She walked over to the bureau and pulled out a manila envelope. She came to stand in front of him and poured the contents into the floor.

"Every letter and message I ever left you….you returned them with a letter telling me you could never forgive me for leaving my job and for getting pregnant."

She started to walk away but he grabbed her arm.

"Sara, I never sent those back to you…I never wrote that letter."

"It was typed…you always typed out your memos…few could read your handwriting…including myself….but your signature…I recognized it immediately. You signed it!" She pulled her arm away and left the room.

He picked up the letters and the phone messages and stared at them. He remembered the period in which he refused to answer his phone and eventually just turned it off while he waited for personnel to make their decision. It was easier. It was his way of controlling the chaos that ensued after she left. He dropped into the chair and began to read each one.

_Gil,_

_I'm sorry we argued… I never wanted to hurt you. I just needed to get away. Know this, I love _

_you…despite my actions. Never doubt that. I have tried so many times to tell you but the last _

_time I called the pain of my leaving got in the way and I couldn't seem to find the words to tell _

_you that I'm pregnant. It was just as big a surprise to me as I am sure it is to you. I feel it _

_growing inside me and it gives me hope of our future together. We did not plan this but I love _

_this child as much as I love you. Please tell me that you're happy about this. Please tell me that _

_you can love this child as well._

_Love,_

_Sara_

He shuffled through the phone messages. He recognized Judy's handwriting as well as the other secretary's.

_I never got them…._

He looked at the dates and wondered how she might have felt not hearing from him. He pulled out another letter and began to read.

_Gil,_

_I have left messages and yet you have not called. I have moved to a small community just fifty _

_miles from the house. It is as close as I dare come knowing that you have not responded nor _

_called. I am staying with a friend. His aunt passed away and he wants to return to his home _

_town in hopes of mending some fences with someone in his life. He has asked me to stay in the _

_house and has offered me a chance to purchase it and I have accepted. I will attach directions in _

_case you and Bruno would like to come and visit. Know that I am well. I miss you both. We are _

_going to have a son. I am attaching a copy of the ultrasound. He is real. He exists. He will _

_need us both. I don't expect you to forgive me but please do not punish your son._

_All my love,_

_Sara_

He stared at the ultrasound photo. He wiped his eyes as he noticed the date.

_My birthday…._

_She found out it was a boy on my birthday…._

He pulled out another letter and read the contents.

_Gil,_

_I'm scared. I am told I may miscarry and yet as I sit here writing this I feel your son as he rolls _

_and tumbles inside me. I can't imagine losing him. He has sustained me all these months. I _

_miss you. I struggle trying to understand your silence. I don't understand. Please help me to _

_understand. I am not asking you for anything except your love for your son. He deserves that._

_Sara_

One more letter sat unread. He glanced around the room and was thankful he was alone. He opened the letter.

_Gil,_

_Matthew was born last week. He is a beautiful baby. I picked up the phone and dialed the house _

_but there was no answer. I couldn't bring myself to leave a message. He is small but he is _

_strong. He will remain in the hospital for several weeks since he was born premature. I have _

_given permission for you to inquire about him. I am still holding the birth certificate in hopes _

_that you will contact me. If I do not hear from you, I will give him my last name even though he _

_deserves his father's name. Punish me if you feel the need but please do not punish him. _

_Sara_

He put the letters back into the envelope and felt his shoulders shake.

_She wanted to come back…_

_My son…_

_She gave birth to our son…_

_Alone…_

_Who the hell did this?_

He stepped outside for fresh air and came face to face with her.

"Need a drink?" she asked.

She handed him a cup of coffee and he took it.

"I heard about the case and thought I would come out and assist. It's my day off," said Sofia.

"He's my son," said Grissom.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yes."

"And she didn't tell you?" she asked. "That's pretty low."

He said nothing.

"Grissom!"

He turned as he heard Brass calling him. He ran to the steps.

"It's Sara."

He ran inside as he saw Nick carrying her upstairs. He felt his feet moving toward the stairs but he stopped himself suddenly.

He waited.

He paced as he listened for any news from upstairs.

He finally cursed and ascended the stairs to her room.

The door was ajar.

"Are you okay?" asked Nick.

"I'm fine…"

"Sara, I found you out cold on the floor. You need to go to the hospital…you still have pneumonia."

"I'm not leaving…if you try to force me I'll just discharge myself…Please Nicky, I can't leave. I need to stay here in case they hear something or if someone calls. Why don't the kidnappers just call? Why haven't they called?" she said as she wiped her eyes.

"I don't know…maybe in a few more hours," he said. "Just rest. I'll come and get you the moment there's anything," he said.

"I can't lie here knowing that…he's going to need his medicine…he's been sick…he's on antibiotics. Nicky he needs his medicine…what if…"

"Sara, they found us…you and me…you need to wait…you need to let us do our job," he said.

She nodded but then the phone began to ring down stairs .

She was up now and pushing past him. She opened the door and ran into him. She pulled away and headed toward the stairs. She rushed down them but slowed midway as she felt the room spin. She felt arms grabbing her as she sat down on the steps.

There was a yell from below that it had just been a neighbor on the phone.

She choked back a sob. She felt the same arms now pulling her up and then lifted. She closed her eyes to hide the tears but they fell anyway. She felt herself now beneath the covers as she let the drug induce sleep.

Nick watched as Grissom stared at Sara for a moment before stepping out of the room.

"Is Matthew…"

"Yes he is."

"Did you know?"

"No, I didn't."

He remembered the folder.

"Nick there's something I want you to deliver to Hodges. Tell him to call me with instructions. He is to report to me only…no one else."

He found himself nodding off while he watched her sleep. He stood and stretched. He stepped out of the room and then entered the baby room. He searched through the dresser and pulled out the baby book. He sat in the rocker and opened it up.

_Born premature…_

_She said she almost miscarried…_

_Was pregnant when she was under that damn red Mustang…_

_No wonder she had a hard time adjusting…_

_God she must hate me…_

_Thinking I didn't care about her or the baby…._

_How could she think that?_

_She got all the letters and even the messages back…_

_The last time we talked on the phone I was hateful…_

_I was hurt…._

_I wanted her to come home…_

She snatched the book from his hand.

"You're not entitled to see that," she said.

"Sara, I never sent those back…someone in the lab did. I never would turn my back…"

"I don't care! I just want him back! I don't care about anything else…just him. He's been my life for over a year now and I want him back," she said as she began to sob. He stood and walked toward her but she ran to the bedroom shutting it behind her. He stood outside her door as he listened to the sound of her tears. It was not an uncommon sound for him. He had heard it several times in the two years they were together. Often it consisted of her bouts of melancholy followed by fitful dreams and then the quiet sobs.

He had grown accustomed to them over time never knowing whether to intrude or to let her cry alone. He chose the latter. He told himself Sara was strong and independent and to try to comfort her would only make her feel weak. She often would seek him out later and they would make love. Now, the sound was deafening. He found his hand on the door handle and he thought to enter the room but then he remembered her anger and he forced himself back downstairs.

_Why didn't I go after her?_

_When she never called back after we quarreled…_

_I should have called her…._

He stood there in front of the fire in the study and remembered those first few weeks after she had left how the team had tried to give him advice but he had steered clear of them until they stopped offering or even checking on him. Brass had been the first to try.

" _So, you've been pulling a lot of doubles this week," said Brass_

"_Yeah, it's about all I do," said Grissom surprised he would even admit this._

"_Have you been in touch with Sara?" asked Brass._

"_We've talked a little."_

"_So where's she at?"_

"_San Francisco, visiting her mother."_

"_No, I mean -- that's nice. No, but I meant where's she at emotionally? You know, with respect to the two of you," asked Brass._

"_I can't speak for her," said Grissom knowing that she had left the note letting him know how she felt but her leaving told him it was over._

"_So speak for yourself."_

"_I can't talk, I'm really busy."_

He had hurried away not wanting to admit he still loved her and her leaving had hurt him more than anything he had ever experienced. Everyone knew she had left and he had been left to field the questions and the stares and the looks and the gossip in the grapevine.

Her leaving had affected everyone. Nick had taken to offering breakfast and lunch with Grissom although he never took him up on it. Once he had been tempted wondering if Sara had been in contact with Nick but then when Nick had become reserved and withdrawn, he knew that she had left not only him but everyone in the unit.

She left even Greg. He had held out hope that she would have contacted Greg but then as the months passed, Greg said little or nothing to Grissom and when he did, it had bordered on contempt and resentment. He had stopped a time or two to watch the young man. He had been tempted to say something but then decided to let it go, not wanting to hear what the young man would say when asked about his anger. Grissom knew the reason.

_He blames me…._

_He thinks I pushed her away…._

_I caused her to leave…_

_Like I would want to give up the air I need to breathe…_

It was final. It had hurt him, his unit and the lab.

Warrick was the first to admit it when he began having problems at work.

"_Hey, Gris, listen. About me being late .." began Warrick._

"_You have a cell phone paid for by the department. You call, you say you're running late. What's going on with you?" asked Grissom._

"_I don't know. This, uh ... this whole divorce has taken the wind out of my sails. You know, I used to have the team to distract me from all this, but even that's changed with Sara being gone. I feel kind of disconnected," said Warrick._

"_You've got your work. Don't screw that up," said Grissom._

It had been lousy advice and he knew it the moment he had said it and walked away. Sara would have handled it much differently and Warrick would have been stronger. She had always been the strong one. They had learned to lean on her professing their problems in a priestly manner and she would admonish their guilt and they would feel better once leaving their problems with her. They had never known Sara to do the same.

They had shared and she had given advice or held hands and given any means of herself to them but she had never done the same. When she had finally left, they each had wished they had taken the time to sit with her and question her about her ability to handle the Natalie thing and the damn red Mustang as well as the horrors they knew she kept hidden about her childhood. Grissom knew about some of it and yet she did not share enough even with him. She was just as much a mystery to him as the others.

Catherine had been the most persistent.

_I should have taken Catherine's advice…._

"_Oh, hey. How are you" she asked._

"_Why?" he asked a bit disgruntled._

"_I can't ask how you're doing?" she had returned with her own jab._

"_I'm sorry. I've just had a lot of ... uh ... I've been busy."_

"_Oh. Well, maybe you should take a few days off, for once in your career. I mean, you've got enough stored up. Go after her."_

She had made it sound so simple.

It wasn't.

He couldn't.

He wouldn't.

"_It's not what she wants."_

"_What do you want?"_

"_I want her to be happy."_

It wasn't true.

He had wanted her to be unhappy as hell.

He had wanted her to miss him.

He had wanted her to come home.

And when she didn't, he returned to his old self before the days of Sara Sidle.

He hated it. There was nothing but work. He pulled double after double until he found himself exhausted emotionally and physically and yet he did not pick up the phone nor did he try to find her. He had more resources at the tip of his finger than anyone in the state of Nevada and yet he did nothing. It made him sad. He had wasted a year and now he had probably lost her for good. His heart ached for him, for Sara and now for the son he did not know.

_What if I never get to know him?_

_What if I never get to hold him?_

_What if he never lays eyes on his father?_

_What if he never forgives me?_

_She won't._

_I wouldn't._

He remembered the desperation he felt when they had found her in the desert and she teetered between life and death. He had jumped into the medi vac and prayed silently for her to open her eyes and as he took her hand into his, his heart leapt and he released the air he did not know was stuck in his lungs when she opened her eyes and he was able to look into hers once more.

There had been the flurry of activity in the hospital as he thought the worst injury she had sustained to her arm. He recalled the physician's discussing the surgical procedure to reset the broken bones. He wasn't even aware of the more serious injury until she was placed in a room and he saw her on a ventilator and suddenly he was rushing up and asking questions and shouting until a doctor pulled him aside and discussed the problem with her lungs.

_Ingestion of sand into her lungs…._

_Partial drowning experience…_

_the fear of pneumonia…._

_The scar tissue that would result…._

But then she had been removed from the ventilator as quickly as she had been placed on one and then she was talking and eating and sleeping and he chose to forget now focusing on the many attempts made by Ecklie to talk with him about Sara. He had ignored the calls and it was the beginning of the end. He just didn't know it at the time as he turned off his phone and relied on the others when he needed to be contacted. When that did not work, he turned it back on but then ignored the messages left, choosing to answer only those he deemed an emergency.

Note from author:

Okay, after much request, I am posting again. Please be kind and leave a review!

Take care!

Penny


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five:**

_Give me these moments back,_

_Give them back to me,_

_Give me that little kiss,_

_Give me your hand_

_Kate Bush, This Woman's Work_

Hours passed and she remained upstairs. He ventured up there a time or two to walk silently by her door listening for proof that she no longer cried. It tore at him to hear her.

_She's afraid she's never going to see him again…_

_She's afraid she's never going to hold him again…_

_I am too…_

He found himself sitting down on the steps of the stair case as he felt his own resolve waiver. He thought of all the times he started to pick up the phone and didn't. He thought of all the times he had picked up his keys and found himself behind the wheel with no place to go but to the lab. He felt himself now whispering another prayer to add to the many he had already said that night. He prayed for her, for Matthew and he prayed for forgiveness. He needed it. He needed it from her more than the air he breathed. He knew that as he sat there that if they found Matthew dead, his death would surely destroy them both.

He stood and listened once more and the upstairs was quiet. He crept back downstairs in hopes that she had finally found some rest and had fallen asleep. He stepped out onto the front porch glancing over to the swing and felt his blood turn to ice. He glanced around quickly but there was no one near the front porch. Most of the crew had returned to town. Greg and Warrick had gone for a bite to eat while Nick was delivering the evidence to the lab with Catherine. The officers and Sofia were down near the end of the driveway. He came and picked up the package yelling for Brass and then carried it inside.

Brass came to stand beside him in the kitchen.

"What the hell is this?" asked Brass.

"It's another…miniature."

They stared at one another.

"Copy cat?" he asked.

Grissom shook his head.

"It's Natalie's."

"That can't be. She's locked up…maybe she has someone helping her," said Brass.

They heard her gasp as she stood there and stared at the miniature.

His fear was matched by hers.

Sara shook her head.

"She's in an insane asylum…she couldn't have gotten him. Please tell me she did not get him?" she said as she stared at Grissom.

Brass flipped open the phone. "Yes, this is LVPD I need for you to check on a patient by the name of Natalie Davis… what do you mean you've already reported to us that she escaped…when did you report this?" he yelled.

Sara came and stared at the miniature.

She wrapped her arms around herself as she stared at it. "She doesn't want a ransom…she wants revenge…Matthew is going to pay for our sins…our sins Grissom."

"Sara…" began Brass.

"She almost killed me…she would have if I…" She stopped not wanting to admit that it had been her love for Grissom that had pulled her through the hell.

Their eyes met.

He knew their sin.

They had hidden their relationship from everyone but Natalie.

Of course, she could also be referring to his attempt to tap into her mind with his own miniature replica of his office.

Natalie had seen it.

He had hoped that he would have gained some insight by replicating her work. The only thing that had been accomplished is that she had taken Sara and he was left with the guilt.

It had festered throughout the ordeal but as soon as she had been found, he had put it aside but now he found himself with it again. He pulled his eyes from hers and stared at the miniature.

"Do you recognize the area?" he asked.

She closed her eyes but willed herself to open them and stare at it. She glanced at the window to the left and then back at the miniature. He saw the surprise in her eyes and then she was running out the door. They ran after her. Greg and Warrick drove up just as she ran out the door.

"Sara?" called Greg as they watched her run through the field.

"Where is she going?" yelled Warrick to Grissom and Brass. They motioned for them to follow. She forced her body on as she came to the site of the miniature. She saw his stuffed toy sitting on the top of a fresh mound of dirt. She sunk to her knees grabbing the toy and then began to dig with her hands.

"Sara! Stop!" he yelled. Grissom pulled her away as she kicked and screamed.

"His toy!" she cried. She held up a plush red and black beetle. "Let me go!"

He held her tight. "Let them do it," he said softly in her ear. "Sara, let them do it honey."

They stood and watched as Warrick and Greg began to dig with a shovel that had been retrieved from the tool shed. The other officers along with Sofia stood nearby and watched as they dug the hole and stopped once they hit a wooden box. Warrick and Greg glanced at one another.

"I'll open it," said Warrick. He leaned down and pried the lid off.

"Oh God, it's a body…a baby," he said. He quickly picked it up but knew that they had been too late. The body was now rigid from hours of death. There was no life to be saved. He looked at Grissom and shook his head.

Sara began to scream as she struggled to go to the small body that was lifted from the box. She recognized the blanket and she dropped to her knees.

"Sara?"

"It's his blanket," she choked. "Let me hold him… he has to be cold…so cold…"

She watched as Warrick held the small body while the others stared.

"He's not dead! Warrick, please. Help him!" she cried.

"Honey, I can't. He's gone. I'm so sorry Sara," Warrick choked out.

She shook her head in disbelief. She expected to die any moment. She expected her lungs to just stop functioning and then she could be laid next to her sweet baby but she continued to breathe. It wasn't fair.

_She could have taken me…_

_I would have gladly given my life for him…_

_He was my everything…_

_He was the only reason I've survived without Grissom…_

_And now I have nothing…_

_Nothing…_

She began to rock back and forth.

"Oh, sad was the day for the little bisque doll,

for they cut all her stitches away,

and found the seat of the terrible ache;

T'was a delicate task..."

Grissom's hand covered his mouth.

"For none of the doctors had ever before

performed on a dolly's inside."

"They tried to re-stuff her but didn't know how,

and this was her wail as she died..."

"I've got a pain in my sawdust."

It floated from her lips with ease. It had haunted all of her dreams as she recalled Natalie singing it to her over and over. It had been a song of death. The loss of a life that had been her young sister's and now it was that of Matthew, her sweet baby that had become the air she breathed during all those months away from Grissom and now he was gone.

She told herself to stop breathing.

She no longer wanted to breathe.

Note from author:

Now, I know that hate reviews will begin. Like I have said before, please hold off until you've read it all..things are not what they appear. Some thought Sara and Brad were an item. Some thought Sofia was the culprit who took the baby…hold off. Be patient and go with the story!

Take care!

Penny


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six:**

_  
I'm finding my way back to sanity, again  
Though I don't really know what  
I am gonna do when I get there  
Take a breath and hold on tight  
Spin around one more time  
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace  
__"Breathe" by Lifehouse  
_

They stared at her as she continued to rock back and forth.

He lifted her as the others stood there and stared at the small body as Grissom carried her back to the house.

"I think she's gone over the edge," said Sofia.

"You wish," said Greg.

"Hey, I have nothing against Sara…."

"Really? West Haven says they contacted us and reported Natalie had escaped," said Brass.

They stared at Sofia.

"I didn't think it mattered. Sara was gone and no one knew where she was," she said quickly.

"If Grissom had been told, he would have hunted her down and made sure she knew about Natalie," said Warrick. "But then you probably anticipated that, didn't you?" accused Warrick as he carried the baby back.

Brass stared at the gravesite.

"I'll work the site," said Greg. "We'll need a positive ID…could do it by DNA sample," he said.

"I'll make sure it gets done. I don't want Sara to have to see him…not like this," said Brass.

He covered her with a blanket as her body shivered. She lay there not making a sound.

"Sara?"

She did not respond.

He raked his hands through his hair. He closed his eyes and heard her sing the twisted song. He could not get it out of his head.

_Natalie sang that…._

_When I tried to get her to tell me where Sara was…_

_I was so afraid I would lose her…._

_But then I did…._

He sat with her as the hours passed. She closed her eyes and began to hum the song. His hands were on her shoulders as he pulled her into his arms and cradled her. There was no comfort for her. She was numb to his touch. There was no comfort for either.

"Please let me hold him," she begged once. "He looked so cold…he's been sick…he needs his antibiotics…so cold…is it raining outside…I hear water…I feel the water…"

He held her tighter until she drifted off to sleep. He hoped the drug in her system would let her sleep. She needed to sleep.

He wasn't sure if he would ever sleep again.

There was a tap at the door and Grissom stepped out.

"Victim is a six month old male…cause of death is undetermined…time of death doesn't seem to match when he was abducted," said David in a low voice.

"What do you mean?"

"Baby appears to have been dead longer…could be because of the box…we'll know more…Grissom I don't think it's him," whispered David.

His heart leaped.

"He looks different."

"Run a DNA…I don't want to have to put her through identifying the body," said Grissom.

"Brass already ordered that. I'll …need her DNA."

He nodded. "I'll get you a sample. David, you'll need mine also."

He seemed puzzled but took it anyway.

"I could give her something to help her sleep…" offered David.

He shook his head.

"She may have ingested a type of sedative earlier. A blood sample was taken and sent to toxicology but we haven't gotten it back yet. We can't risk giving her anything just yet."

David nodded and then walked away.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and stroked her hair with his hand.

"Sara?"

She said nothing. He watched as she drifted back to sleep.

_The rain poured. She felt the water pull her under and she gasped for air. She tugged on her arm as she felt the searing pain and she jerked trying to break free. She took one finale gasp of air and then plunged down deep. She saw him the moment she opened her eyes. The tiny fingers reached for her and she knew he was drowning. She grabbed him and pulled him up. He was not breathing and she began to panic._

_She tried to keep him above her head but her arm was growing weak. Suddenly she felt him jerked from her arms and she screamed. _

She continued to scream as she felt arms holding her down as she thrashed about.

"Sara!" yelled Grissom.

She stilled.

Nick and Greg came running up the stairs as they heard the screams. Grissom held her as she sobbed.

"I've got you, Sara. It's okay. I've got you," he said as he held her.

He saw Nick and Greg in the doorway.

"It's okay…it's a nightmare….about the car…the desert."

They nodded and then walked back down.

"Sara?"

She pulled away from him and curled into a ball.

"Sara?"

He forced her to look at him.

"Could you eat something? You've not eaten in hours."

She turned away.

"Sara, please."

She closed her eyes and refused to respond to him.

He sighed.

She forced herself to sleep again.

He stepped out closing the door behind him. Nick met him in the hallway.

"How is she?" he asked.

"No change," he said.

"Greg went into town and purchased some groceries. We took most of the contents from the fridge to be tested. Why don't you go downstairs and get something to eat."

He shook his head.

"At least get some coffee. I think this is going to be a long night. David said he would call us the moment he found out anything conclusive," said Nick.

He nodded and glanced at the bedroom door before going down with Nick.

He stood there in the kitchen with the cup in his hand. He found himself admiring the home she had made for their son. It was warm and inviting. There were baby photos on the fridge as well as a list of emergency numbers and a booklet of instructions for Matthew. He noticed the stuffed animal that lay on the counter. She had let it fall to the ground as he was carrying her and someone must have brought it back to the house. He picked it up and stared at it.

Nick watched.

"Sara said it was his favorite toy," he said.

"He must be like his father and like bugs," smiled Nick.

"I'm not sure she'll let me help her if he's…" he stopped.

"David seemed to think that it might not be him," said Nick.

He sighed.

"Why don't you try to get some rest," said Nick. "I'll go up and sit with her."

"I'll just finish this and then I'll be up," he said. Nick patted him on the back as he headed upstairs.

He dropped the cup when Nick yelled. He ran up the stairs.

"She's gone," yelled Nick. "I checked every room up here. She's not here."

Grissom ran downstairs and they began searching the rest of the house. He found himself back outside now as he hurried through the field. It was still dark but he could make out a body lying on the ground near the gravesite.

_Oh God…._

_Don't let anything happen to her…._

_I can't lose her again…_

_Not like this…._

He dropped to his knees and checked her pulse. He lifted her into his arms and carried her back to the house.

"How long do you think she's been out there?" asked Nick.

"Less than an hour…she must have slipped out the back," said Grissom.

"She has pneumonia. She shouldn't have been out there…"

"She's cold," said Grissom. "Take a blanket and warm it by the fire."

Nick grabbed the blanket on the chair and hurried downstairs. He returned handing it to Grissom as he continued to rub her arms before wrapping the blanket around her body. He pulled her close to him.

"Grissom, maybe we should take her to the hospital," said Nick.

"She wanted to be here in case…if there's no change…we'll take her," said Grissom.

He nodded as he left.

She dreamed. She felt the warmth of his body next to hers and she held on tighter not wanting to break the contact. She felt his lips on hers and she pulled him closer. It was a sweet dream. She had not had such a dream in such a long time. She felt her hand in his and then the slight brush of his lips on the palm of her hand. Her eyes shot open and she stared into his blue eyes. They were no longer stormy but rather deep like that of the ocean depths. She scrambled to get away from him but he held her firm.

"Let me go," she managed to get out between wheezes. She gasped for air and felt her lungs reject the attempt.

"Sara…"

She pushed him once more and he released his hold. She sat on the other side of the bed and took in gulps of air.

"Sara?"

She wheezed each time she tried to breathe.

_This is what it's like letting go…_

_I can do this…_

_I can let go…_

note from author:

I am enjoying the reviews...so many are trying to guess what is going to happen...just enjoy! Don't worry about GSR- they are safe!

Take care!

Penny


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven:**

_I am hanging on every word you say  
And even if you don't want to speak tonight  
That's alright, alright with me  
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit  
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing  
Is where I want to be  
__"Breathe by Lifehouse_

He was up now searching frantically through the medicine cabinet in her bathroom. He returned and handed her the inhaler but she let it drop to the floor. She felt lightheaded as her lungs still struggled. She felt herself being pushed down and the inhaler inserted. A sharp thrust of the inhaler brought relief to her lungs. She grabbed the inhaler from his hand and hurled it across the room.

"Better?"

She said nothing. She swiped at the tear that slipped down.

_Pneumonia has lasted for two weeks…_

_Too long…_

_Should have been better by now…_

_Probably ignores her own health…_

_To care for Matthew…_

_He's been sick…_

He chose another tactic.

"Matthew…he's on antibiotics?"

"Upper respiratory infection. He gets them a lot…preemies are susceptible to most things the first year. He's had lots of ear infections…he…" she stopped.

"Sara?"

"My baby is dead. She finally killed him…we almost didn't survive under that damn Mustang and now she's…"

"Sara…"

He was interrupted when Nick came running upstairs.

"David called. That wasn't Matthew in the box…it was some other baby. The local hospital reported a baby had died but the body was stolen from the morgue…Sara, Matthew is still alive out there," said Nick.

She stood suddenly and stared at Nick.

"It's true, honey. DNA confirmed it," said Nick. She found herself reaching for Nick and he pulled her into his arms. "It's going to be okay Sara. We're going to find him. They found us, remember?"

She nodded. She held firm to him clutching at his body and he held her tighter as he glanced at Grissom.

"I'll go downstairs and check in with Brass," he said quietly.

Nick watched him leave.

"Sara, are you okay?" he asked. "You don't look well. How about I take you to the hospital…just to be checked out and then we'll come back?"

She shook her head adamantly.

"You promise if you need something you'll tell me?"

"Promise."

He gently kissed her on the forehead and stepped away slightly.

"Could you eat something?" asked Nick.

She nodded.

"Come downstairs. Sit by the fire and we'll fix you something."

She sat there with toy and blanket in hand as she stared into the fire. Nick and Warrick left to go back to the lab to assist with the evidence. She had eaten and then taken her medicine at his prompting. She closed her eyes and felt a shiver run down her back. She coughed as she remembered the sick smell of chloroform that Natalie had used to abduct her in the parking garage. She felt the car as it was lowered on her body entrapping her arm. She rubbed her wrist as she tried to stop from trembling.

Someone stood at the kitchen sink and she heard the water as it poured from the faucet. Suddenly she felt herself underneath the car once more and she gasped for air. She coughed again as her eyes shot open and she glanced around making sure she was there in her home and not back in that hell.

He watched her from a distance knowing that the flash backs had returned. The first couple of weeks after she had been found he would find her staring into space only to jump at a slight noise or touch. The slight tremble in her voice or the rubbing of the wrists told him she was remembering the abduction and he felt helpless. He wondered if perhaps she had remained on his shift they would have gotten through it better.

He would have seen the signs quicker or he would have been there when she woke to her own screams. Her nights were filled with nightmares and she began relying more and more on sleeping pills to sleep. She had not bothered to tell him and he had not bothered to confront her when he found the bottle in the medicine cabinet. It was there. As the pills slowly disappeared, he found himself counting the remaining pills in the prescription bottle each day after returning from work. Her use frightened him.

He said nothing.

She said nothing.

They were each alone.

He made his way across the study to stand near her. She said nothing as they both stared into the fire. His eyes slowly settled on the small red and black stuffed beetle.

"Did you pick that out for him?" he asked.

"He chose it. I didn't," she said with eyes now closed not wanting to see him.

"Unusual toy," he said.

"He'd just been released after several days in the hospital and I took him to the small toy store in town…I knew there wouldn't be many people in there during the day…at least other kids. I didn't want him to catch anything but I wanted him …to have a normal day. I wanted him to have a bear…most kids have bears but he didn't want one. When he picked this out I thought it was because of the color…so I found another stuffed toy that was red and black but he refused. He wanted this one."

"He must be like me…he likes bugs."

"I don't want him to be like you. I never want him to be like you," she said.

Her words hurt.

He swallowed hard.

"Good. I want him to be like you…with a strong will to fight," he whispered.

She swallowed hard.

"He is like you," she said gulping back the tears. "He has the same grin and his smile..." she stopped and looked at him. "He's exactly like you. He's smart and …" she stopped and turned away. She had wanted to say that he had stolen her heart the moment she had laid eyes on him. She kept that to herself.

"Can I get you anything?" he asked.

"My son," she said as she stood to leave.

"He's mine also," he said quickly.

"Only through biology….nothing more," she said.

"Sara, I'm sorry…so sorry for what you've had to go through alone…."

She was up now heading out the door.

"It doesn't matter. I want to keep it in the past. It belongs in the past."

"Does that mean you…"

"The locked closet upstairs…it contains everything I took with me when I left….my kit, my gun…still don't feel safe with it…the photos…of the only persons I considered family and…the jacket….your jacket. I took it so I could feel connected to you…it was stupid at the time…I used to admire how you looked in it…I don't know how many nights I cried myself to sleep with it on…it was sort of like my safety blanket of sorts…I put it away after Matthew was born. I put us away when you didn't come to the hospital to see your son and I gave him my name…not yours…"

"Sara! I didn't know!" he stepped forward but she stepped further away.

"It doesn't matter. Like I said, it's in the past. I want to leave it there."

She turned and walked out of the room as he felt the air knocked out of his lungs and he slumped down into the chair.

Note from author:

I'm so glad most of you guessed that Matthew is still alive. Don't you just feel their pain? Some have questioned why Sara is still angry with Grissom even though he's admitted that he did not receive the messages or letters. This is further explained in other chapters… Please keep the reviews coming.

Take care!

Penny


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight:**

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain there is healing  
In your name I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on  
I'm barely holdin' on to you_

"_Broken" by Lifehouse_

Her words stung. He was not used to the barbs from her. He watched as she disappeared upstairs. His presence unnerved her as she scrambled from the room. She had hoped he would leave with the others but with each turn in the house, she came face to face with him. She retreated once more upstairs to shower and then changed clothes. She returned downstairs in search of his toy and noticed the hall closet slightly open. She opened it to find mud inside.

He found her lifting fingerprints from the door as he came to check on her. Grissom stared at her kit.

"What did you find?"

"She's been watching us…sneaking into the house…there is mud inside this closet. I cleaned the house thoroughly just the other day…it wasn't there. She must have stayed in the closet waiting and watching for the opportunity to take him."

"You leave the doors unlocked?" he asked.

"Only when we're out in the back yard playing. Mary and Brad were often popping in…neighbors also…there is little or no crime rate here…until I came," she added.

He looked at the sample of dirt in the evidence bag.

"Looks like bits of sand… could be anywhere around here."

He watched as she finished putting the supplies back into her kit.

"Do you miss it?" he asked.

"No. I'd had my fill of it. Seeing lives destroyed…loved ones left to grieve over such senseless killings…no I would never miss it," she said.

"What about the guys…I thought you cared about them," he said.

"I did…but then they were your friends before I came. I chose not to make them choose between us," she said now standing and placing the kit back into the closet.

"Did you miss me?" he asked.

She wanted to slap him. She felt her hand rise but placed it on the banister instead.

"No." She lied.

He flinched and returned downstairs. He stood there on the front porch forcing his lungs to take in air. From the moment she uttered the word, he thought he was suffocating.

_She's hurt…_

_She didn't mean it…_

_She…_

He ran back inside the moment he heard the breaking of glass. She stood there in the kitchen staring at the shards of glass on the floor.

"Sara…"

"How could you stand there and ask me if I missed you? How did you think I felt after all these years?" she said between sobs. She knelt down and began picking up the pieces.

"Here, let me help," he offered.

"No! I don't want your help!" she screamed. She slumped down into the floor with her legs pressed against her chest. She cringed from the pain.

"Sara, are you okay?"

She glanced down and saw that her blouse was now moist from the leakage.

"I can't nurse him…he needs to be nursed…he's missed several feedings," she hid her head from view.

He looked around for a broom and dustpan and cleaned up the glass. Once that was done, he purposely pulled her up despite her protests and carried her upstairs. She did not fight. She was done with fighting. He felt the melancholy the moment he touched her and he held her tighter as he carried her to her room sitting her down on the bed.

He suddenly found himself not knowing what to do next. He did remember Catherine's pregnancy and the problems she encountered with trying to breastfeed Lindsey and still work. He remembered the breast pump.

"Sara, we don't know how long Matthew is going to be gone…do you have a breast pump?" he asked.

She nodded. He began to search around but she stopped him.

"I can do this," she said as she remained sitting on the bed.

He looked at her but then left the room shutting the door behind him.

He stood there until he heard her moving about inside and he went to sit in the nursery. She emerged later, carrying several bottles downstairs and then transferring the breast milk over to another container before placing it in the freezer. She then poured a glass of milk and drank it. She noticed Matthew's prescription bottle missing from the fridge.

He had nodded off when she entered the room and she nudged him.

"You took Matthew's prescription. He'll need that!" she said.

"His prescription?"

"There was a prescription in the fridge…his antibiotics…it's gone," she said.

"It wasn't on the list of items taken into evidence," he said. "Sara…"

"Natalie must have taken it."

"At least she's going to take care of him…"

"Take care of him?" she yelled.

"Sara…"

"He's not just any baby! He's spent more nights in the hospital than he's spent in this room! His immune system has always been an issue. He suffers from chronic upper respiratory illnesses because his lungs were immature from the moment he was born…he's done nothing but fight for his life since I gave birth to him."

She stopped to catch her breath before continuing her tirade. "He's not used to formula…he's been breastfed. He's going to resist drinking it and therefore she's not going to be able to get him to take the medicine…he needs the medicine. He's been doing so well this past week…he was just feeling better…and now…" she found herself out of breath.

He stood immediately and pushed her down in the rocking chair.

"Sit…don't talk…just rest," he said.

He waited awhile until he felt she was feeling better before he began a conversation with her.

"Sara, I'm sorry he's had such a hard time… you never told me about the complications with the pregnancy."

"It didn't help that I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was already into my fourth month. I mean…no prenatal vitamins…I rarely ate back then…going to days after all those years on graveyard did not help…I rarely slept."

"You took the sleeping pills…quite often," he said quietly.

She looked at him.

"I found them…it's not like you were hiding them from me…we just never talked about it," he said.

"We didn't talk about a lot of things!" She felt her anger begin to rise, "The sleeping pills did not cause…"

"Sara, I didn't mean…"

She was up now and heading out of the room. He stood there and berated himself for how he had handled it.

She kept to herself for the remainder of the day alternating her pacing from the study to the kitchen. He kept his distance but watched as she slowly exhausted herself until she was struggling to breathe once more. He startled her when he came to stand behind her in the kitchen. She saw him sit the inhaler down on the counter and move away. She struggled a few more minutes before reaching for it. The release this time came much slower and he took note of it.

His phone rang and she jumped whirling around in hopes that it would be good news.

"Grissom."

He shook his head and she felt her shoulders give way as she left him to talk in private. He heard the front door open and then shut and he glanced out to see her slump down into the swing.

"Was there any other finger prints on the letters?" he asked.

"Just yours and Sara's," said Hodges.

"The signature…"

"It's yours," he said.

He cursed silently.

"Is there anything else?" he asked.

"No…thank you. Hodges…the contents of the folder…"

"I'll hold it until you come back," he said. "Under lock and key," he added.

Hodges then proceeded to tell him about the toxicology results.

"Thanks."

He came outside and stood against the railing.

"Toxicology came back on the contents removed from the fridge…sedative was found in the juice and milk…Sara…did you ever give Matthew a bottle rather than breastfeeding him?"

She jerked her head to stare at him, "Mary would give him a bottle if I…I was in the hospital recently….why?"

"There were two bottles in the fridge…both had the same…"

"I had a doctor's appointment today…Mary was going to keep him…I always prepare a couple of bottles just in case…I prepared two bottles."

"Natalie may have thought to give it to Matthew making him sleep…"

"It could have killed him!"

"There wasn't enough…"

"You don't know how he would react…God Grissom…you don't think she would try to drug him…"

He saw the terror in her eyes.

"I don't think she'll do that…I think she did it as a precaution…she never had to use it…Matthew must take after me and is a heavy sleeper…since he didn't wake, Natalie never bothered to use the bottles."

It didn't make her feel any better as she found herself rubbing her wrist.

"Does it still hurt?" he asked.

"What?"

"Your wrist….you're rubbing your wrist," he said coming closer.

"No…no it's fine," she said now folding her arms about her.

"You mentioned doctor's appointment today…"

"I canceled it," she said quickly.

"Do you think that was wise given the number of times you've had to rely on the inhaler…"

"I'm not going anywhere until I know something," she said.

He chose to let it go.

He glanced at his watch and then went inside. She waited until he left to cover her mouth to stifle the sobs.

He emerged later and pretended not to notice the puffy eyes.

"I fixed something…you should eat…it could be another long night," he said. He expected an argument but she didn't. She came inside and sat down at the table. He had fixed soup and sandwiches. He had placed a glass of milk and juice beside her plate along with her medicine.

Once they were finished, she felt herself growing sleepy. She glanced at her watch and then disappeared. She appeared later carrying down more expressed breast milk storing it in the freezer. He said nothing as she retreated to the study. It was a couple of hours later that he came and sat across from her.

"How are you holding up?" he asked.

She half laughed.

"You should try to get some sleep…I'll wake you if there's any news," he said.

She shook her head.

He got up when his phone rang, walking into the other room.

"How are you? I've been worried about you," she asked.

"Sofia, I can't talk right now," he said.

"How is Sara?" she asked.

"She's better," he said.

"I was worried about her mental stability…"

"Sara is strong…she's the strongest person I've ever known…one of the things I love about her."

There was a moment of silence.

"Must be difficult for you to know she moved on."

"She didn't. We both didn't."

Another silence.

"I need to go," he said.

"Take care of yourself," she said quickly as he ended the conversation.

He returned to find her waiting anxiously.

"Any news?"

He shook his head.

She found herself roaming through the house now trying to stay awake. He kept out of the way as she made her rounds. He poured himself a cup of coffee as she came and took out a glass pouring a glass of milk.

"The miniature…"

"It's been taken to the lab."

She stood and watched as the sun began to rise.

"Two nights away…I've never been away from him…He's never been away from me…"

"Sara…"

She closed her eyes and braced herself against the counter.

He came to stand directly behind her.

"Honey, let me hold you," he whispered.

She shook her head.

It hurt them both.

**Note from author:**

Thanks to each of you who are faithfully leaving a review for each chapter. I am so very grateful!

Take care!

Penny


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine:**

He stood there as they both stared through the window at the mound of dirt that lay at the top of the hill. He found his arms encircling her anyway. She could feel his warmth before his body even made contact with hers. He had always been warm. On a cool night she would curl up next to him finding herself in virtually the same position hours later. His arms had always been comforting. They would wrap around her giving her the feeling of security. It did nothing now except make her want him more. He felt her body relax in his arms and he felt his heart skip a beat at the sheer chance that she wanted this as much as he did.

There was a knock on the door and she pulled away.

She opened the door and found the guys standing there.

"Anything?" she asked quickly.

Nick shook his head.

"How are you?" he asked.

"She's toying with us," she said. "She leaves the miniature to let me think he's dead and now she's making me wait…wait until I find out what she's going to do with him…to him."

She felt her resolve give and she turned away.

They glanced at Grissom. He did the same.

They were both feeling the hours of not knowing.

She offered coffee and it was Nick who took charge and made some. She retreated to the study and sat there in her chair. Greg started to go to her but Grissom stopped him.

"Give her a minute," he said softly.

"She's been alone long enough," he snarled as he ignored the request and went after her.

He came and sat across from her. She swiped at her eyes and then looked at him.

"Why didn't you tell us?" he asked. "We would have come. We could have helped."

"I know….I didn't want you to choose between us. You worked with Grissom. You were friends before…"

"No we weren't. He was our boss. We didn't become friends until you. You made us friends and besides, you should have let us decide," he said.

"I'm sorry. I was trying to do the right thing."

"You didn't. You're leaving….it affected all of us."

He saw how he hurt her and quickly added, "Don't ever do that again. You're stuck with us…all of us."

It made her smile.

Nick and Warrick arrived with coffee cups in hand. She took it not wanting to disappoint them.

"What have you two been talking about?" asked Warrick.

"How I'm stuck with all of you," she said with a smile. "I can live with that."

"Good, cause we don't intend to stop visiting now that we know how to find you," said Nick.

He came and kissed her on the cheek and she rested her head against his side.

"Need creamer?" he asked. "I always thought you drank it black in the morning?"

"Nicky, I nurse Matthew. I can't really have coffee."

"Oh," he said. "I can't imagine you without coffee….must have been ugly there for awhile."

Warrick and Greg chuckled.

She grinned.

She missed them.

"Where's Griss?" asked Warrick.

She looked away not wanting them to see that she too was wondering the same thing.

"He's upstairs. I think," said Nick. "He's pretty tired. I'm not sure he's slept in the last seventy two hours."

"How's he been?" she finally asked.

"Keeping to himself," said Warrick. "The first couple of weeks he pulled double after double until the undersheriff and Brass had a talk with him. He then worked just his regular shift with one or two doubles a week."

"He wouldn't talk with any of us," said Nick. "We tried to find out any information about you but after awhile, we knew he didn't know anything either."

"He should have come after you," said Greg.

It was out.

They glared at him while she stared at Greg.

_Yes, he should have…._

_If he really cared about me…_

_He would have come…_

_He didn't come…._

_He left me alone…_

"He hit a low point a couple of months ago," said Nick quietly.

It was Warrick's turn to glare.

"Low point?" she asked.

"He…" Nick stopped.

"He lost it," said Greg ignoring Warrick.

"Lost it?" she asked.

"He was working an abduction case…a brunette…he wouldn't let anyone help even though he had already pulled a double…He ordered us off the site. I called Brass," said Warrick. "I was worried about him."

"What happened?" she asked quietly.

"Brass came and told him to stop working. They got into a fight. First time I ever heard the two of them really yell at each other. Catherine got involved too. The next thing I know they're both pulling him into the back seat of Brass's car and they left with him," said Warrick.

"Warrick and I finished the case," said Nick. "Griss didn't come back to work for a couple of days and then he had to report to psych once or twice a week for awhile."

"Psych?" asked Sara surprised.

"Sara, he's been a mess. He wouldn't let any of us near him. He wouldn't talk. He wouldn't have dinner with us. He was…" Warrick stopped.

"He was a bastard," finished Greg. "He barked orders and didn't care about any of us…what was going on with any of us…how we were dealing with….it was work, work, work…."

"It's how he copes," said Warrick. "It's the only thing he knows to do."

They were quiet for a moment.

"Brass wasn't much better," said Nick.

"How so?" she asked.

"He kept to himself also. He tried to talk with Grissom every night but when Grissom didn't know anything, he kind of withdrew to himself also until that night when he and Catherine had to pull Grissom off the site," said Nick.

"Brass used to ask me at the beginning of every shift if any of us had heard from you," said Greg. "He stopped asking after…Grissom started seeing the psych and then…" he stopped when he almost mentioned Sofia.

Sara looked at him but now the guys were getting up and heading to the kitchen. They cleaned up the cups as she stood there and watched them. She missed them and now they were here as if they had always been here and no time had elapsed except she knew it had. She glanced at her watch and knew she would have to slip upstairs soon as another nursing opportunity was fading. She missed him. She gulped down the tears as she felt something placed in her hand.

"Take it," said Nick.

"You're good for me….all of you," she said as she opened the prescription bottle and then was handed a glass of juice.

"Why don't you try to get some rest," said Nick. "We'll be here if you need us."

She smiled at them and stepped forward giving each of them a kiss on the cheek. She lingered with Greg before releasing him to head upstairs.

He looked at the others.

"Told you she liked me best," he said with a grin.

"In your dreams," said Nick.

"No, really. See how…" Greg did not get to finish as the others headed toward the front door ignoring him.

She had forgotten about Grissom. She hurried up the stairs and into her room shutting the door behind her as she expressed the breast milk and then carried the bottles downstairs. She looked at the freezer and counted the supply.

_Getting too much stored…_

_I'll probably need to throw some away…._

_He won't need this much…_

_What if we don't find him…_

She refused to let herself think of the possibility as she headed back upstairs. She started to go into her room but stopped when she felt herself being drawn to the nursery. It was there that she found him. He sat there in the rocker.

She started to step back out when he spoke.

"They've missed you a lot," he said.

"They said you didn't treat them very well…"

"I didn't. I didn't know how. I was hurting. They wanted you….so did I. They needed you…not me. They were used to you making everything right. I couldn't be you. I couldn't help them fix their problems. I couldn't fix mine own. I think Greg missed you the most. He was angry all the time. Once or twice, he yelled at me. I didn't care. I understood but the undersheriff didn't. He felt it was insubordination."

"You didn't…"

"No, I didn't. I refused to write him up. He was better after awhile. I stayed away from him while he tried to sort through his feelings. We all did."

"I didn't mean to hurt them," she said quietly.

"I know," he said letting out a sigh.

He was quiet for a moment. "Did you mean to hurt me?"

The question floated in the air.

He did not wait for an answer but stood. She saw how tired he looked and she knew he was in pain although he would not admit that his knee was probably swelling.

"I'm going to lie down…Nick said he would call us if there was any word," she said. "You can use the guest room."

She turned and headed toward her room. She left the door open as she lay down. She listened as he finally left the nursery and came to stand in the hallway before walking past her room. She knew he was headed back downstairs now. She told herself it did not matter what he chose to do but she rolled over and swiped at a tear that threatened to drop.

_Just as stubborn as he always was…._

_Not taking care of himself…_

_He'll be limping soon…_

_Refusing to accept that he needs rest…_

_I don't care…_

_Let him be that way…_

_He lost it…._

_Saw a psych…_

_Never thought he would ever need…._

_Me….yes….Grissom…_

She was off the bed now and down the stairs. She searched through the house and found him asleep in the chair by the fire in the study. Matthew's toy sat there in his lap. She looked around and saw no one. She eased the foot stool over toward him and gently lifted his legs until they were resting on it. She then slipped off his shoes covering him with the throw before returning upstairs to sleep for a few hours.

He awoke a few hours later and glanced around. He stared at his legs on the foot stool as well as his shoes that lay beside it. He had not remembered taking them off but he had been exhausted. The thought that she would have done such a thing did not occur to him since she had been so distant.

He stood and stretched letting himself groan when he put weight on the knee. It hurt. It was swollen but he refused to give in to the pain. He had never let himself before. It had always been Sara who insisted that he get off of it and then she would rub the soreness out of it or placing an ice pack when needed. She had been good for him. She had taken care of him when he chose to ignore himself. He now found himself going in search of her. He found her in the kitchen with a glass of milk in hand.

"Slept any?" he asked.

He was hopeful when she answered him.

"A few hours," she said.

She stood now like before staring out the window.

"Don't Sara. Stop looking at that mound….it's not going to turn out like that…"

She looked at him as if she had suddenly realized something.

Note from author:

I know. I know, a cliffhanger…chapter ten is really good… hang in there. I'll post again soon when everyone has had time to read and review. Take care! Penny


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten:**

"Sand in the dirt," she whispered.

"The dirt in the hallway closet?" he asked.

"There's a sandy trail up past the field…it leads over to an old house…no one is living there anymore. The owner moved and has it up for sale."

"Natalie moves into the house and watches you with Matthew, learning your routine and then sneaks into the house…"

She was hurrying toward the front door when he grabbed her arm.

"Sara, don't get your hope up. We may find nothing…"

"I can't sit here and do nothing!"

He stared at her.

"Please," she begged.

"Stay close," he said. "First time you don't listen, we come back."

He tried not to notice she was breathing hard. She tried not to notice he limped.

They grew hopeful when they noticed tracks along the path.

"Looks like one set of tracks leading toward the house and then returning…same person," he said.

She nodded as she coughed.

"Need to rest?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"It shouldn't be much further. I used to hear their dog quite a bit. The kids would come and visit," she said.

They made their way to the house and it appeared deserted. There was no vehicle in sight. She ran up to the back door and noticed the small window pane had been broken out. She felt the doorknob turn in her hand. She looked at him. He pulled his revolver and stepped into the house first motioning for her to stay behind but she followed any way.

She walked inside and listened. There was no sound. She stepped into the empty living room and her heart jumped when she heard his cries.

"Matthew!" she said suddenly.

She ran upstairs despite Grissom's objections and found him in a makeshift crib. She grabbed him pulling him tightly to her body. She glanced around and saw diapers and formula.

"He's soaked. It doesn't look like she's been here for awhile. She just left him alone…he's never been alone," she said.

She hushed him as she changed him. She then held him as he began to whimper grabbing at her as she tried to comfort him.

"It's okay Matthew, mommy is here," she whispered. "I'm so sorry, Matthew. I'm so sorry."

"We need to get him out of here before she returns. We'll call the local authorities to keep the house under surveillance," said Grissom.

They hurried outside and headed back down the path. They had walked about a half mile when he made her stop to rest.

"How is he?" he asked.

"He's cold."

He took off his jacket. "Put this on. You'll be able to zip him up inside. It'll be warmer."

He began to cry again and nuzzle her breast.

"He's hungry, Grissom. I don't know if she managed to get him to take the formula. He's not used to it." She ignored his stare as she lifted her blouse and unsnapped the bra taking him to her breast. He hungrily suckled as she caressed his cheek speaking softly to him. He continued to whimper grabbing hold of her hand and staring intently at her.

He leaned against a tree and watched his son in her arms.

"You're good with him," he said quietly.

She let him finish one breast and then removed him. He wailed but she quickly comforted him.

"We need to get him back to the house," she said.

She zipped up the jacket and started again.

They breathed easier once the house was in sight and they found themselves hurrying the last few steps. Once inside, Grissom locked the door and waited for the police to arrive after having called them.

She quickly ran him upstairs and placed him on her bed stripping him of his clothing and then checked every inch of his body. She hurried to the nursery and returned with an infant thermometer and checked his temperature. She sighed when there was none. She held him up close and listened to his breathing. It did not appear to be labored.

"We need to take him to the hospital just to make sure," she said as she dressed him in clean clothes and then covered him with a blanket. He drove her car as she sat in the back with the baby. She kept her arm draped over the car seat as she held his hand. She sang softly to him and he fell asleep. The visit was brief as they were waiting for their arrival and he was rushed back. They attempted to take him from her arms but she refused to give him up.

The nurses gave up and permitted her to hold him as he was checked by the on call doctor. She released the air she was holding once he pronounced the baby was fine. He glanced at her and rolled closer toward her.

"How are you?" he asked moving toward her.

She stood suddenly and stepped back. "I'm fine. We can go now, right?" she asked.

He hesitated a moment. "He's fine. You look like you have a fever."

She shook her head. "No, I don't. I'm fine."

She hurried out with Grissom following.

"Why didn't you let him examine you?"

"Matthew needs to be home. He's been through hell. I'm going home with him!"

They arrived back at the house and she hurried up the stairs.

She ran a bath. He stood and watched as she bathed him and then carried him to the nursery where she put him in pajamas. Once that was done, she sat in the rocking chair and placed him at her breast once more. He was surprised by her action. He stood there as he watched him nurse.

"He's seems really hungry…she must not have been able to get him to take the formula," he said.

There was a knock at the door.

"I'll get it," said Grissom. A middle aged woman stood there.

"I'm a friend of Sara's. My name is Peggy Donners."

He let her go upstairs as he saw the local authorities pull into the driveway. Brass arrived also.

"There's no sign of her but we've plastered photos all over town. If she shows her face, we'll know about it," said Brass. He then looked upstairs.

"How's Matthew?" he asked.

"He's fine. We just got back from the hospital."

"That's good. How's Sara?"

"I think she's sick but she won't admit it. She just wanted to get him back home."

"Give her some time. She's been through a lot…you both have," he said.

Mrs. Donner returned from upstairs and Grissom turned to speak with her.

"Matthew's just fine. He's a bit fussy…I imagined that woman left him alone leaving him to cry. He's not used to that. One whimper and Sara's there. He's going to be fine in a couple of days…won't remember any of this," she said with a smile.

He thanked her as he headed back upstairs.

She watched as he nodded off to sleep but she continued to rock him. He stood and watched as she suddenly broke down and began to cry pulling him up closer to her.

"I was so scared, Matthew….so scared," she cried.

It tore at him to see her so vulnerable after having been so strong.

"Sara…"

She got up now and carried him to her room. She pulled back the covers and lay down with him.

"Shouldn't he be in his crib?" he asked.

"I just need to hold him… just for a little while," she said.

He could see how worn out she appeared to be and he stepped aside.

She placed him in the nook of her arm and closed her eyes.

He sat there on the edge of the bed and stared at him.

_He looks like me…._

_My hair…_

_My chin…_

_Even my eyes…_

"Sara?"

She opened her eyes.

"Could I hold him?"

"No."

"Please."

"You might wake him." She lied not wanting to share him yet.

She glanced down at Matthew.

"He'll need his prescription replaced. The number to the pharmacy is on the fridge."

He nodded. "I'll call it in and have someone pick it up."

He continued to sit there until he heard the tap at the door.

"Must be the local police again."

He got up and went downstairs. She slipped out of bed placing the pillows around him before going to the bathroom. She sat down and used the inhaler. She felt her forehead and grimaced.

_Fever…_

_Not now…_

_He needs me…_

_I can't be away from him…_

She returned to the bedroom and felt her throat tighten. She searched around the bed and then ran into the nursery but he was not there.

She heard herself yelling for Grissom as she frantically ran out of the nursery. She stopped when she saw Natalie holding him at the top of the stairs.

"Give him back!" yelled Sara.

"He's mine," she said.

"Over my dead body!"

"Not yours Sara…you can't die…you're already dead…you died a long time ago…like me…we're both dead…"

Matthew began to stir in her arms.

"Natalie, give him back to me please," Sara begged.

"The song…I heard you…sing it Sara…sing it for Matthew," said Natalie as she looked down at the sleeping baby.

Sara shook her head.

Natalie stepped back towards the stairway holding Matthew over the banister.

"Natalie! Don't!"

"Sing it, Sara."

She closed her eyes and began to sing.

"Oh, sad was the day for the little bisque doll,

for they cut all her stitches away,

and found the seat of the terrible ache;

T'was a delicate task..."

She stopped when she saw Natalie lean further out with Matthew.

"Grissom!" she yelled. He ran inside and stopped suddenly when he saw Natalie holding Matthew over the railing.

"Finish it!" she yelled at Sara.

Sara took a step towards them while she sang.

"For none of the doctors had ever before

performed on a dolly's inside."

"They tried to re-stuff her but didn't know how,

and this was her wail as she died..."

"I've got a pain in my sawdust."

"This is when my sister died. I pushed her and she fell to the ground. Daddy tried to clean up the blood but the stain wouldn't go away…much like the blood on your hands Sara."

Sara gasped.

"Natalie, give him to me."

"No."

"He's done nothing to you."

"He did," she said pointing at Grissom.

She glanced down and saw Grissom below.

"He didn't do anything either."

"He killed the only man I ever loved."

"No, he didn't. He killed himself."

"He made him…he was protecting me…like…"

Sara grabbed for Matthew as she struggled with Natalie.

"I've had enough of you!" yelled Sara as she pushed Natalie. She felt herself falling backwards as she clutched the wailing child. Grissom watched as Natalie tumbled down the stairs. She lay there now at his feet. He checked for a pulse and found none. He stepped over the body and ran upstairs.

Sara lay there gasping for air as she struggled to comfort the baby.

"Take Matthew!" she gasped. "He's scared."

Grissom picked up the baby and held him tight. His cries slowed to a whimper.

"Sara?"

"Is she dead?"

"Yes."

"Good…She can't hurt him…is he hurt?...from the fall?...I tried to protect him…I tried…"

"Sara!"

She felt herself floating. The sound of the ambulance was muffled. She felt a hand on her forehead and then she heard Matthew.

"Matthew…"

She struggled to open her eyes to comfort him but the warmth of the hand on her forehead told her to rest. She did.

Note from author:

Ohhh I'm getting excited! Grissom is about to become "Mr. Mom." Please continue with the reviews! Thanks so much for those that are being so faithful and leaving them. Take care! Penny


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven:**

He paced the floor holding the baby. Brass was the first to arrive.

"How is she?"

"She has an infection in her lungs. They're concerned about the fever."

Brass touched the baby's hand.

"He looks like you," said Brass.

"Yes, he does."

Catherine and Nick arrived next.

"Warrick and Greg are working on a case," said Catherine. "How is she?"

"We're waiting to hear," he said.

"He's beautiful," said Catherine reaching out to take the baby but Grissom held him back. "He just got to sleep…he cried himself to sleep. I don't want him to wake," he said.

She nodded trying not to show the slight snicker of seeing an overprotective Grissom.

He was relieved when a doctor appeared.

"Mr. Grissom?"

"Yes"

"Ms. Sidle is resting comfortably. We're going to try a regiment of antibiotics to see if that will clear up the infection. She's had the pneumonia for quite some time. We'd like to keep her here this time…"

"This time?"

"She was admitted several weeks ago but she discharged herself against her physician's advice…"

"Why would she do that?' he asked quickly.

"You're holding him. I've known Sara for about six months. She's been in and out of here with Matthew quite a bit. She and Matthew were sick at the same time…Mary tried to keep Matthew but he cried for Sara. Mary came to the house to help but Sara…She's a good mother. Just needs to think about herself for once. If I had been in the ER this evening, I never would have let her leave until I examined her. Who is going to care for Matthew?"

"I am," said Grissom quickly.

Catherine and Brass exchanged glances.

The physician smiled and then walked away. He stopped and turned around. "Mr. Grissom, a word of advice. Don't let her know if he cries."

He reluctantly handed Catherine the baby as he stepped into the room. She was awake and appeared to be in an argument with the nurse.

"It's not necessary that I stay…"

"Yes, it is," said Grissom quickly.

"No, it isn't. I want to be discharged."

"No, you don't. You're staying. I can stay with Matthew."

"No, you don't. He doesn't know you. He's been through enough already."

"I'm staying with Matthew and you're staying here!"

They stared at one another.

Neither budged.

The nurse slowly crept out of the line of fire.

"You don't know his routine."

"Tell me."

"He's cried for everyone else. He's not used to being with anyone except me."

"Do you think that's healthy for him?"

She glared at him.

"Routine?" he suddenly asked seeing her anger rise and knew he needed the information before she became obstinate.

She rattled off the routine stopping from time to time to ask him a question or two to make sure he was paying attention.

"Shouldn't you write this down?" she asked suddenly.

"Memory is a gift…you used to compliment me on mine," he said.

"That was before…" she stopped. She stared at him. She tugged on the IV in her arm and gazed out through the cracks in the doorway to see Catherine holding the sleeping baby. Brass stepped inside.

"Hey kiddo…how are you?" he said glancing at Grissom.

"I want to go home."

"I don't think that would be wise…you feel up to some questions?" he asked hesitantly.

"I was there. I saw what happened. It was an accident. Natalie fell backwards when they were struggling for Matthew," said Grissom.

She was throwing the covers off her and trying to maneuver the IV so she could get up.

"No!" yelled Grissom.

A momentary flash of hurt crossed her face and he regretted his actions.

"Sara, you have to stay here. You need to let yourself get better for Matthew."

"He's right," said Brass coming to stand on the other side of the bed pulling the covers back over her.

"We'll sit here and chat for a moment and then it will be done. You feel up to it?" he asked.

She nodded crossing her arms as she looked away for a moment but then she noticed he was heading toward the door and soon he would be gone and so would Matthew. She felt the anxiety begin to build.

"Wait!"

He turned around quickly.

"Please…let me see him before you leave with me," she pleaded.

Grissom opened the door and asked Catherine to step inside. She reached out her arms and took Matthew. She held him tight as he began to stir, peaking his eyes open and then smiling when he saw her. She leaned down and kissed him gently.

"I love you Matthew…so much" she whispered. She reluctantly handed him to Grissom and watched for the first time as he held their son in her presence. She sniffled but refused to give in to the urge to snatch him back from the man that had hurt her so much.

"Sara, he's going to be okay," said Grissom. "I promise."

"Call me…if there's a problem. Mary's number is on the fridge, she can come immediately. Mrs. Donner is a retired nurse…you met her this evening. She lives a few miles from me. Her number is on the fridge also," she said quickly as he headed toward the door.

As he reached for the door, she called out once more, "Grissom?"

He turned and they looked at one another, "Please, don't let him cry…Natalie left him alone…he doesn't understand…"

"Sara, he's six months old…"

"He's your son…he's a very smart six month old."

She proved to be right.

He awoke the moment he placed him in the car seat. He searched around the car for her and when he did not see her, his whimpers turned to full blown wails. He tried to talk to him on the drive but he continued to look around followed by the kicking of hands and feet as he introduced his father to a full blown tantrum. Grissom felt his blood pressure rise as he listened helplessly to his son's cries.

Once they arrived, he quickly got him out and juggled holding him while trying to open the door. Once inside, he immediately went upstairs and sat in the rocker with Matthew. He seemed to stop and stare at his surroundings.

"See, you're home."

He sighed.

_He's stopped crying._

He looked at Grissom and then whimpered followed by full blown wailing again. Grissom patted him on his back and held him tighter. He continued to wail. He positioned the baby so that they were face to face with one another. He continued to rub this back.

"I'm sorry Matthew but she's sick. She needs some time for herself. You're stuck with me."

He slowed to hiccups and continued to whimper.

"Me too," he said softly. "I miss her too."

Father and son stared at one another. He watched as Matthew searched for her. He felt helpless. He stood suddenly and carried him into her room. He gently placed him on the bed while he searched frantically around the room. He smiled when he pulled out her gown from the chair by the bed.

"I can't give you mom right now but I can offer you something better than your favorite toy," he said as he placed the gown up close to Matthew.

"Men like us...we respond to scent. Smell that? I would know that anywhere," he said as he smiled at Matthew. He smiled back.

He gasped. It was a genuine smile that made him swipe at his eyes as he scooped him up and returned to the rocker. He was back asleep soon. He gingerly placed him in the crib covering him up.

He then turned on the monitor and carried the head set down stairs with him. He prepared himself something to eat going through Matthew's schedule in his head.

_A few hours…_

_Then he needs to be fed…_

_Breast milk in freezer…_

_Instructions on fridge…_

_Try him on some cereal…_

He chuckled when he saw the thick booklet of instructions hooked to the fridge. He pulled them off and read through it while he ate. Once finished, he was back upstairs to sit in the rocker. He glanced over and remembered the baby book she had taken from him. He pulled it back out and began going through it once more. The mystery of her past year came into view as he read the documented doctor visits.

_No wonder she's paranoid…_

_I would be too…_

_I am now…_

_Poor kid was in the hospital for three months after birth…._

_Then doctor visit after doctor visit…_

_No time for anything else…_

_How did she do this on her own…_

He glanced at his watch and then headed back downstairs. He prepared the breast milk according to the instructions. He sat there and waited. He did not wake. He seemed a bit disappointed. He sat there until the bottle grew cold. He checked him once more and then sat back down in the rocker and fell asleep himself.

He woke to Matthew's whimpering. He picked him up immediately and then hurried down stairs to make another bottle. It proved to be much more difficult with a baby in tow. Once the task was completed, he now faced getting Matthew to accept it. They returned to the rocker and he tried to get him to take the bottle but he refused. He finally propped him back up so they were looking at one another as he offered him the bottle once more. He accepted it while he stole a glance or to at Grissom. It made him grin.

"You're mother used to do that," he said. "She would wait until she thought that I wasn't looking and she would stare. I used to do the same….we did that for years," he said.

He changed him. He stood there as the fountain of urine exploded into the air landing mostly on Grissom but he knew the baby would have to be changed also. He was relieved he had kept extra clothes in the Denali. He was not expecting to have to shower afterwards but since he was going to have to strip himself, he opted to strip the baby as well and together father and son showered.

He used her shampoo as he often did in the past using some of it on Matthew and he smiled when the baby seemed to enjoy the shower. Once they were done, he dressed him in clean clothes making sure to wrap her gown around him with his favorite toy tucked securely in place. He rocked him until he fell asleep and then placed him back into the crib.

He then went in search of a washer and dryer. Once the clothes were in the wash, he sat down with monitor nearby and continued reading in the baby book. He glanced at his watch and headed downstairs for some coffee. He was surprised when he heard the click of the door and she appeared. Icy blue eyes met brown.

"You're supposed to be in the hospital," he said.

"Where's Matthew?"

"He's asleep upstairs in his bed."

"Has he…"

"No."

_Well, not much…_

_Some lies are justified…_

She sighed setting some papers down on the counter and opened the fridge. She reached for the orange juice and poured a glass.

"You didn't answer me," he said.

"I only needed to stay overnight," she said as she gulped down the glass and then headed upstairs. She felt her lungs burn with each step but she was determined to see Matthew.

He watched as she left the room. He glanced down at the papers lying on the counter and he turned them over.

He found her sitting in the rocker as she watched Matthew.

"Sara, he was fine. You're not. You're going back."

She glanced at him for a moment but then returned her focus on Matthew.

"I'm fine. He needs me."

"You're not fine and he doesn't need you right now. He's got me."

Pain flashed across her face. It was brief but he had learned to watch for these quick honest glimpses of her true emotions.

"I need him! I need to know he's okay…especially after…" she stopped and said nothing more.

He was silent for a moment.

"How do you propose to get better?' he asked.

She said nothing.

"Sara!"

"I've called Mrs. Donner and she agreed to come by here. She'll report back to Doctor Phillips…she's going to call Mary and have her come to stay here for awhile until I'm better. I'm better now," she said. "There's really no need for you stay any longer."

He didn't want to leave.

"I'll wait until she arrives," he said.

She seemed a bit upset but she sighed and then sat back into the rocker.

"You should be in bed," he said finally as he watched her try to prop her head up.

She nodded and then slowly stood, checking on him before she left. She glanced down and then looked at him.

"Why does he have my gown?" she asked.

"He missed you. I gave him your gown. It has your scent on it." He grinned.

She grinned back.

He watched as she went to her bedroom and as she started inside, she stopped.

"Grissom thanks," she said as she then disappeared.

He settled on the guest bed and dozed. He woke a few hours later and checked on Matthew. He grinned when he found him snuggled up close to the gown with his toy. He stopped at the entrance to her room and hesitated a moment before entering. She had left the door ajar in order to listen for Matthew despite the fact that he had offered to stay until Mary arrived. He gently covered her and then placed his hand over her forehead and cursed.

_Still has a fever…_

He went downstairs to go through the discharge papers and to see if she had been given any prescriptions. He found two. He glanced upstairs and then found himself headed up there when the phone rang. He quickly picked it up to keep it from waking them but then felt like an intruder since it was not his residence.

"Hello?"

"This is Gil Grissom. I'm….staying here with Sara….could I help you?" he asked.

"This is Mrs. Donner. We met earlier. I was calling to talk with Sara."

"She's resting. Could I take a message?"

"Mary has the flu. She won't be able to come…I could…"

"That's not necessary. I'm not leaving. I can stay with both of them…Mrs. Donner, shouldn't she be in a hospital…"

"Sara wouldn't stay. I agreed to come and check her lungs…"

"She has two prescriptions she didn't get filled. Where can I get those filled?"

"There's a pharmacy about eight miles from the house." She gave him the directions and he stepped out and was relieved to find them still asleep when he returned.

He walked upstairs and sat down on the edge of her bed.

"Sara?"

She quickly sat upright. "Matthew?"

"He's fine," he said. "You need to take your medicine."

She blinked at him.

"I got your prescriptions filled."

"Oh."

She took them and then sat up.

"Mary should be …"

"Mary has the flu. Mrs. Donner called earlier…"

"Called? I didn't hear the phone."

"You're sick. You were out as soon as you came in here."

"I'm sorry. Look, I can call someone else…"

"I'm here. I'm staying. I'm not leaving."

They stared at one another.

Note from author:

Wonder who will win this battle? Thanks for the reviews…the sooner they come in the sooner I can post again! Take care! Penny


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve:**

"You've missed enough work. I can call…"

He got up taking the glass with him.

She threw her legs over the side of the bed and followed him.

"You can leave really," she said.

"It's not necessary. I've already called into the office. Brass is going to drop off some things. I can do some paperwork…"

"I don't need your help…" she said

He glared at her.

"You don't need it or want it?"

"Both," she said with arms folded.

"Too bad because I am not leaving my son in your care at this time."

She bristled.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He did not wish to fight.

"Sara you're sick. You need time to rest. I'm giving you that. It's the least that I can do. Besides, I want to spend some time with Matthew. I want to get to know him. I want him to know me unless you didn't mean what you said in one of your letters?"

She remembered the letter.

She turned and walked out. He heard the bed room door shut and then quickly open. He grinned.

He woke before she did. He carried him downstairs, talking softly to him as he began to prepare the bottle. He was almost finished when she came rushing down the stairs.

"I can nurse him," she said.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "Need to check the medication to make sure it's not going to pass to Matthew through the breast milk."

She bit her lower lip.

_He's right…_

She quickly scanned through the medication warnings and sighed out loud.

"Not a problem."

"We'll let him choose," he said as he carried him past her and started for the stairs.

She stood at the nursery door and watched as he sat him in his lap and gave him the bottle. He glanced at Grissom and then at Sara. He spit out the bottle and immediately reached for Sara.

She grinned. He frowned as he felt her lift him from his arms and then disappear into the other room. He shuffled his feet at the entrance to her room as he watched her nurse him on the bed. He started to leave but then boldly came to sit on the edge of the bed and watched them.

She ignored his presence. She was tired but she knew that it was better to let him nurse than to use the frozen breast milk. She would be able to avoid having to express the milk from her breast later. Once he finished one side, she placed him on the other side. Matthew stared at her. She grinned as he smiled at her. Grissom watched the interaction between mother and child. She kissed him on the forehead and then began to kiss each toe as he grinned and smiled. He giggled and it made Grissom chuckle.

"I didn't know he could do that," he said.

"He's a fast a learner. He can already sit up and he'll be crawling before you know it."

Grissom nodded. He seemed a bit melancholy and Sara felt it.

Once he was finished nursing she burped him.

It made him smile. "Greg would be proud of him."

She returned the smile. It warmed him.

She let him take Matthew as she found herself suddenly very tired. She watched as he took him away. She waited to hear his cries but when she didn't she closed her eyes and she was asleep immediately. He placed the baby on the blanket in the floor as he opened the door and smiled when Brass stood there with a toy in hand along with a handful of other things.

"How is he?"

He came inside and smiled when he saw him on the floor.

"How's Sara? Did you convince her to go back to the hospital?"

"She's asleep upstairs."

"Sofia stopped and asked about you. I told her you were spending some time with your family."

He ignored the jab.

"Have you talked with Sara?"

He shook his head.

"Do it. It's better if she finds out about Sofia through you than someone else."

He nodded.

"Listen Gil. Sofia knew about Natalie's escape. She never bothered to tell anyone."

"That doesn't make sense."

"Yes it does. She wanted you for herself. She should have notified personnel. Personnel's had Sara's current address…"

"Personnel?"

Brass stared at him.

"You never bothered to check did you? You were just too pissed that she left."

He said nothing.

"Take my advice. Talk and talk fast."

He left leaving Grissom to stand there staring at Matthew. He turned and saw Sara standing at the foot of the stairs.

"Was that Brass?"

"He was dropping off some things," he said.

"What are you supposed to tell me?" she asked.

"The others want to visit when you're better," he said quickly.

She nodded and came to sit down in the floor beside Matthew.

"Should you be up?" he asked.

She ignored Grissom and just watched Matthew as he lay on his stomach. She smiled when she saw the toy. She placed it out of his reach and grinned when he tried to reach for it.

Grissom frowned. "Not very nice, don't you think?"

"It's just an incentive to try to crawl," she leaned over and pulled the throw off the couch and then placed it over her.

"Cold?"

"Just a little."

"Interested in food?"

She nodded.

He disappeared for awhile. When he returned he found her holding Matthew as he slept. He reached down and took the baby. She watched as he carried the baby upstairs. She slowly pulled herself up. By the time she was standing, he was already back downstairs. They ate in the dining room as he filled her in on the going ons at the office.

"Sara, Brass said that Personnel had your current address."

"I initially gave notice but then submitted a medical leave request. They approved it…I guess the incident with Natalie helped. I've been on paid medical leave. I guess all those years of not taking sick or annual leave paid off."

"You've got to have exhausted most of that by now…"

"I have a few more months and then yes, I'll have to decide what I'm going to do. I haven't decided. I've just been focusing on Matthew."

"You've done a great job."

She said nothing but stood and began to clear away the dishes but he stopped her.

"Sara…"

She stood and looked at him.

"Sara, if I had gotten those letters or messages I would have…"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

She turned to walk away and he stopped her.

"If I had gotten the first letter I would have come to you."

"But you didn't."

"No, because someone took…"

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes! It does."

"No, it doesn't. You tell me that you didn't get the letter…did you get the letter I left with Judy?"

"Yes, you know I did."

"Did you read it?"

"Yes."

"And yet when you didn't hear from me, you didn't try to find me…to contact me."

He said nothing.

She started to walk away again but he gently grabbed her by the arm.

"I would have come…as soon as I got the letter."

"Is that supposed to make it better?"

"Sara, you know we would have been together if I had gotten that letter. I would have been with you through the pregnancy and the delivery and these last six months…"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does matter!" he yelled.

"Part of the reason I left was because you wouldn't listen."

He looked at her dumbfounded.

"I listened! I watched you that day as you struggled with the Marlon West case. I could see that you were in trouble and I tried to help. I came and told you I was worried about you but you pushed me away."

"_Hey," called Grissom._

"_What are you doing here?" asked Sara. _

"_I was going to ask you the same question. Listen I'm worried about you," said Grissom._

"_That just makes this worse. I can't talk about this right now. I can't." _

"I don't want to get into this now…not now."

She started toward the stairs when she was stopped cold from his reply.

"Running again?"

She whirled around and glared at him.

"I didn't run. I left. There is a difference!" She said as she felt her lungs struggle for the quick use of the air she had been holding.

"Why didn't you tell me? We could have talked…"

"Talked? We never talked before! That was part of our problem! I spent seven years trying to get you to talk with me…to tell me how you how you felt but you pushed and pushed and I did what I always did. I went home and waited. I waited even though it hurt like hell."

"Sara, we were happy until Natalie…"

"Natalie didn't cause our problems. She was just an added catalyst."

They stared at one another.

"I don't understand." He said finally as he sat down in the chair.

She folded her arms and stared at the floor.

"I've always been the one to go after you. I did it for seven years until finally you let me in…thanks to Adam Trent but you finally…"

"He reminded me how short life was and that I had wasted so much time."

"If Adam was a reminder then what the hell was Natalie?"

Note from author:

I think Sara won that round, don't you? Remember, an explanation for Sara's departure will come...by the way we also get a glimpse into their lives before Sara left... Thanks for the reviews…keep them coming. It's the reason I write. I know I am still searching in fanfiction for a support group LOL. P.S Some are leaving suggestions for the story...this story is already written...I'm just proofreading and releasing the chapters as I go...Still need to finish the epilogue UGH! Take care! Penny


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen:**

He looked up at her.

"Even after we were finally together, you pushed me away at times. I mean, one minute I think I make you happy and then you're telling me you're leaving for a couple of months…"

"You told me you understood about the sabbatical," he said quietly.

"I did…really but then I expected to be told in private and not hear about it through the office grapevine."

"I tried. I didn't know how to tell you and then when I did, you had already heard about it."

"Tell me Griss. Did you call or write while you were gone?"

"I sent you that…"

"No note…no call…two months and yet I sat there at home and waited. It's what I did best; waiting for you…hoping someday you would tell me you loved me."

"I thought you knew."

"It wouldn't be the last time I would sit at home and wait for you, would it?"

He was silent.

She looked directly at him.

"I accepted that there were persons in your life who mattered to you. I heard the rumors about you and Heather Kessler…."

He interrupted, "I explained that to you…I came to you that day in the lab and told you I had been with Heather because I was the only person she trusted. I…"

"I just wanted you to remember me. Remember that I was at home…the home we called ours…waiting for you and you never called. Did it ever occur to you that I might need you? I was worried. I knew you had clocked out. I went by the lab and you weren't there. I stayed up waiting for you and you didn't come home. You never called."

"Sara, I explained the custody dispute with you. I was trying to help Heather. I told you that and I thought you were fine with it."

"I was fine? I was fine that it was okay for you to disregard me in your life? My parents did that my whole life. How was I supposed to be okay with it? You can so easily open up to someone else and not me? When did you ever tell me you loved me?"

"Sara…"

"It took Natalie for you to admit it to everyone but me. I needed to hear it from you….not the guys."

"Sara…you know me…"

"Yes, I can honestly say I do. Can you say the same about me?"

It hurt.

"You know how I feel about you. I proposed…you accepted and then you left."

"Yes I left. I had to get away. The only thing that kept me grounded was Matthew."

"I would have. I would have if you had let me."

"So I guess we're back to the letters."

"Do you honestly think that I would not want to be a part of my son's life? If you do, then you don't know me as well as you think you do. My father left my mother when I was five. When he left her, he left me. It hurt. I swore I would never do that to a child of mine. I haven't."

"How do you explain the signature?"

He was quiet for a moment. "I can't explain that except I didn't know what I was signing."

"And yet, you never bothered to find out where I was…you didn't care enough…"

"I cared! It was cowardly of you to leave the letter and run….you didn't just leave, you ran."

She sighed.

"You're right. I guess I did. I'd hope you would have loved me enough to come after me."

She turned this time and headed toward the stairs ignoring the call of her name.

The conversation had exhausted her and yet she could not sleep. She checked on Matthew before retiring to her bedroom closing the door this time. He intended to follow after her but the closed door stopped him. He stood there for a moment before going in to sit with Matthew. It was hours later that he heard her. He had gone down for a cup of coffee when he passed her bedroom. He had heard it before. He had heard it a lot in the past. It had bothered him to come home sometimes and find her crying. She often denied it or pretended she had not been crying but the proof was on her face.

He had not known how to handle it at the time. He found himself pretending along with her. He ignored the puffy eyes and water streaked cheeks but made love to her hoping she would see how much he cared…how much he loved her. He regretted it now as he stood there standing at the door and found himself once again preparing to ignore the sound. He took a step before stopping himself. He opened the door stepping inside and shutting it in one fluid motion.

He sat there on the edge of the bed and stared into the darkness at her form. He wanted her. He had always wanted her. He sat there with her and struggled with the words. He always did. However, a year of being without her now caused him to be direct.

"Why are you crying?" he asked. He felt her swipe at her eyes and sit up pulling herself away from him. He scooted closer. She did not respond and she was relieved when she felt him rise. She wasn't prepared when he turned on the bedside lamp causing her to cover her eyes.

"Tell me why you're crying," he said as he sat back down.

"I…" she stopped and said nothing.

"I'm here now Sara. Right here!"

He looked at her as she suddenly found herself being pulled into his arms and he held her. The sensations made them each swallow hard. It had been so long. She felt the tears slip down her face and he held her as she cried. The racking sobs caused him to gently rub her back and kiss her lovingly on the lips. She kept her eyes closed tightly as he waited.

"Griss?"

He deepened the kiss causing her to cling to him feeling herself losing control as he did the same. He felt her pushing him away when they heard Matthew. He pulled her up and she quickly went to the nursery and took him into her arms.

"Do you think he's hungry?" he asked.

"He needs changing."

She changed him and he stood there observing her.

"He made me take a shower the first time I did that. I've learned to change with caution."

Once she finished, she started to sit down in the rocker when he held out his hands for the baby and they stared at one another.

It was Matthew who decided as he reached for Grissom. It made his father smile. She said nothing but released him.

"How did you know he just needed to be changed?" he asked.

"His cry. I've learned his cries."

He looked puzzled.

"He has a distinct cry for each need…if he needs a diaper change, hunger, in pain, lonely, or scared…Natalie added that one."

He sat and rocked him while he talked with Matthew. Sara found herself slowly moving toward the door.

"Sara?"

She stopped and turned.

"Can we talk?"

She nodded and stood in the doorway.

"I want you and Matthew to come home."

"No."

She was glad she did not see his face.

"Why?"

"This is our home."

"It's not mine," he said quietly.

"Yours is in Vegas," she said.

He flinched.

"I don't want to miss anymore of his life. I've missed so much…what do we do about Matthew?"

She had wanted this moment to happen since the moment she had given birth. She had wanted the father of her child to love him and now she felt a dread come over her. Now, she would have to share him. Of course, she had realized this conversation would soon take place and she thought she was prepared for it until she lay there tonight and found herself crying. She thought she could let him take him but the moment Natalie had snatched him, and she found herself without him for the first time, she knew it would be like having a part of herself ripped from her each time she had to let him go.

"You asked me why I was crying earlier…it's this. You love him. I know now that you will want to be a part of his life and I'll have to share him. Natalie showed me how much that is going to hurt…I wanted to die when I was away from him. He's become my life…I don't ever want to be away from him again."

He stood suddenly, "You don't have to…come home…both of you…please."

She shook her head. "I can't do that."

"I want to see him every day. I don't want any more time taken from me," he said. "I won't let that happen."

"What are you saying?" she asked suddenly afraid.

"Just what I said. I want to see him every day….joint…Sara, it would be easier if we were together…"

She shook her head. "Custody…you want custody?"

He glanced at Matthew. "I want his name changed to mine. It should have been my name on the birth certificate…"

"I tried…"

The conversation was not going as he had planned. He had expected to ask her to come home and she would say yes. He was not prepared for her constant rejection. He had felt enough of that the past year.

"What do you expect me to do?" he asked. "Expect me to just leave and then visit every now and then or call occasionally? I won't accept that!"

"You weren't here! You weren't here when I had to make the life and death decisions…when I thought I might lose him…living with that every day until his birth…and then those three months…"

"If I had known…"

She was gone. He stood and watched as she walked out leaving him there with Matthew. He stared down into his face and then held him tight. He was asleep within an hour and he stood there a moment looking at him in the crib before leaving with the monitor in hand. He immediately went in search of her and found her downstairs in the study. She sat in the same position she did that first night when he had arrived.

"Sara?"

"I'm tired…could we talk about this in the morning…" she said.

"You should be in bed. Have you taken your prescriptions?" he asked.

She stood and headed to the kitchen. Her arm gently brushed against his and he stopped her.

"I'm sorry this has been so hard on you. We can work this out…we just need to talk," he said.

She nodded slightly but he could tell she had been crying again. She hurried to the kitchen and took the medication and then headed upstairs. He heard her walk immediately to the nursery and then heard her footsteps as she went to her bedroom. He waited for the closing of the door and his shoulders drooped when he heard it.

Note from author:

Sorry for the late post but we had a lau party for my daughter…I so have a headache…twelve screaming girls…just imagine…So here is the deal. I am going to post two chapters because ...I really like Fourteen...so everyone is on their honor to give a review for each chapter...please...don't disappoint...

Take care! Penny


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen:**

He slept in the guestroom and managed to get a couple of hours of sleep before he found himself awake again. He lay there now staring up at the ceiling. He jumped up when he heard the first scream. He bolted to her room and flung open the door. He recognized the dream. She was fighting for her life in that damn desert. She gasped for air and he began to shake her awake.

"Sara! Sara, breathe!" he yelled.

She gasped once more and then found herself staring into his face. She pulled herself up into the bed wrapping her arms around her legs.

"Old nightmare?" he asked.

She nodded.

"You used to have it a lot," he said. "It took weeks before you could sleep a single night without having it."

He watched as she struggled to breathe.

"When did it come back?" he finally asked.

"When I left."

"Are you okay now?" he asked.

She nodded.

"I could sit with you?" he offered.

She declined as she rolled over. She felt very tired as she closed her eyes and willed herself back to sleep. He left her returning to his own room. He was awakened again when he heard Matthew crying. He got up quickly and went to the nursery. He checked the clock and knew that he was probably hungry. He was surprised when she did not come. He tapped on the door and then entered the room.

"Sara?"

She slowly pulled herself up.

"Matthew wants to nurse," he said. "Are you okay?"

She nodded and reached for him. She placed him on her breasts and closed her eyes as he lay there with her. He started to walk away but stopped and felt her forehead. He sat back down immediately.

"You're not well, are you?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

"Chest hurts," she admitted.

He remained calm as he walked out but then found himself rushing down the stairs and grabbed the number for Mrs. Donner. He looked at his watch and knew that it was early but if she were a retired nurse, she would be accustomed to early morning calls.

He breathed easier the moment he answered the door and led her upstairs.

She sat on the edge of the bed. "You told me you were feeling better," she said.

"I was," she said between short breaths.

"Let me listen to your lungs," she said. She was quiet for a moment as she listened for several minutes. "You still have the pneumonia…sounds a little better. Sara, you're going to have to stay in bed…I know you don't want to do that…"

"But I have…most of the time."

"All of the time. I'm going to call Dr. Phillips and see if you could be given a regiment of injections…works faster in the system than the medication….he could allow me to give the injections or come by himself…he owes me a few favors."

"Shouldn't she be in the hospital?" he asked from the doorway.

Mrs. Donner glanced at Sara. "If she stays in bed, she could stay at home…someone just needs to care for Matthew."

"What about nursing him?" he asked.

"It would be good for him. Her system is building up antibodies to fight the pneumonia. It would be good for his system."

She left for a brief period of time and then returned.

"Dr Phillips is going to come by in an hour. Sara, I suggest you prepare to be chewed out…but don't worry his bark is worse than his bite…of course he has bitten a few…I'm joking," she said.

He arrived from the hospital and sat with her for some time as Grissom hovered at the doorway.

When he opened the door, he stepped out and practically ran into Grissom.

"How…"

"I've given her a shot. She's going to sleep a lot...but she actually sounds much better."

"But the fever…"

"Sara's pneumonia has been persistent but I think she's getting better. I don't think there is any reason we should make her return to the hospital. That woman has been in the hospital enough…first with herself and then with Matthew. I'll have Mrs. Donner check on her tomorrow and then I'll come back in another day. I think we can knock this out soon," he said.

Grissom escorted him to the door and then hurried back upstairs. He entered the room quietly and sat down on the edge of the bed. It had scared him. She was sleeping. He pulled up the covers and then kissed her gently on the forehead before starting to rise.

"Just home from a shift?" he heard her say.

"I didn't mean to wake you," he said softly.

"I've missed you," she whispered taking hold of his hand. "Come to bed."

_It's the fever…._

_She doesn't know what she's saying…_

He stared at her. His eyes shot to the door and then back at her.

He set the monitor down on the bedside table and then slipped into bed. It had been almost a year since he felt her body next to his. He pulled her tightly as he wiped at his eyes. He had missed her so much. From the first moment that he had let himself love her he told himself she would leave one day. He would wake up and she would be gone. With each shove and each hurtful action she remained constant. He thought for sure the sabbatical would send her running back to her apartment but when he returned, she was still at the townhouse.

He had his doubts when he found her in the locker room just before he left for the airport. He could tell she was hurting and yet all he could think to say was "I'll miss you" and he did. He slept little during those weeks tossing and turning. His arms were always in search of her body. He had even sat down and written a letter but then never mailed it telling himself it was pointless because he would return and she would be gone. It would be over.

He tucked the letter inside his book of poetry and told himself the sabbatical had prepared him for her departure. He found himself wrapping up the course much sooner than anticipated and he jumped on the first plane not even bothering to unpack but came straight to the lab. He said his hellos as he searched through the lab and felt his heart leap the moment he set eyes on her. She retreated as he advanced telling him she had been in the field but he didn't care. He would have gladly jumped into the garbage bend with her if it meant he could hold her.

He seemed excited when he saw her lips curve into a slight grin followed by a smile. He felt a bit self conscious when she commented about the beard immediately running to the restroom after he had chased her into the women's showers. He stared into the mirror and saw the grey.

_I look old…_

_Much too old…_

_Maybe she finally thinks I'm too old…_

He had let her shave the beard with the straight knife. He still remembered her words.

"_Trust me?" she asked._

"_Intimately."_

It had not been the use of the knife she was questioning but rather his trust in her regarding their relationship and he knew it. The sabbatical had been difficult for both. As she stood there and meticulously shaved him, he saw the dark circles, the sadness beneath her eyes and her clothes fell loosely about her body. And yet, she loved him. She had waited for him to return keeping the townhouse spotless and clean and their bed was as if he had never left and he wondered if she had slept in it at all.

He did what he always did when he knew he had hurt her. He made love to her. He filled himself in her as he felt her own release. He kissed her telling himself that he should trust her that she accepted him faults and all and she did. There were no harsh words nor any guilt but pure acceptance. It made him love her more. He followed her those first few weeks lavishing in the feel of her body as she gave herself to him over and over despite the fatigue from the double shifts and her inability to bounce back like she normally did.

He screwed up again when he did not bother to call her the night he stayed with Heather. He knew she had always felt insecure when it came to Lady Heather. She had intrigued him and once he had given himself to Heather when he was sure he would never have Sara. She ignored the rumors and the gossip mongers and clung to her hope that someday they would be together.

Even after they had become intimate, Grissom was reluctant to share himself with her completely and Sara chose to hide her wants or needs or fears as their relationship progressed. Those things she kept to herself not wanting to chase him away when her true nature was exposed. She was convinced he would run the first time things became difficult. She gave and gave while he continued to test and push and test and her worst fear taunted her when there was no phone call and she listened to the gossip mongers as they spoke of Heather's alibi, Grissom.

It had been innocent but he knew the way he chose to do it hurt. Brass had told him to expect the worse, warning him that Sara knew how to use a weapon and was a fairly good shot. From the moment he entered the exam room in the lab, he could feel her hurt and yet she did not yell or give him an ultimatum but had gone home after shift and waited for him. He stepped into the house to find it had been cleaned from top to bottom and Bruno sat there smelling clean and groomed. She had tried to make dinner but had let it burn. Its remnants were in the garbage can while the recently delivered Chinese sat on the counter waiting for him.

She sat outside on the deck and he watched as she swiped her arm across her face when she heard the door open. He had said nothing but came and sat down next to her. Neither looked at each another but his hand slipped into hers. He felt her tremble as she rose and offered dinner. The Chinese had remained on the counter and was reheated later after he had pulled her into the bedroom and made love to her.

He pretended not to see the puffy eyes telling himself it would hurt her more to point out she had been crying. He now saw the fallacy of his actions and he prayed for another chance to set things right. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the feel of her next to him because he knew that she would not allow him to do this once the fever broke. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he closed his eyes and slept.

She dreamed a marvelous dream. She felt his body close to hers and she lavished in the warm feel of skin to skin. She had longed to feel that again. She woke suddenly and heard his even breathing beside her. She tried to remember how they had managed to wind up in bed but at the moment she did not care. She lay there and let herself enjoy the feel of his body next to hers again.

He slipped out of bed right before Matthew began to stir. He took the baby downstairs with him and placed him in the highchair as he introduced the cereal again to the baby. He spit it out and then giggled sending bits of cereal into the air. It made Grissom chuckle. He played with him until he became fussy for a feeding. They entered quietly and stood to see if she was awake.

"Matthew?" she asked.

He placed him beside her as she took him to her breast and began to nurse him. She kept her eyes closed and nodded off. Once he released the nipple, Grissom started to pick him up but she stopped him.

"He needs to nurse on the other side," she said weakly.

He sat there and watched as she stroked his cheek and found herself drifting off again.

"I'm sorry…so tired," she said. She did not feel him take Matthew from her once he was done. He whimpered when he picked him up.

"Ssssh, mommy needs to sleep," he whispered. He closed the door slightly and then carried the baby downstairs. Once burped, he sat and played with him. He heard the knock at the door and was surprised to find Brass standing there.

"How are things? We've haven't heard from you in awhile?" he asked.

"Sara still has the pneumonia. They're trying a different approach…she receiving injections. She's just so tired," he said glancing up stairs.

"How is this tyke?" asked Brass looking down at Matthew.

"He's learning I'm his father," said Grissom proudly.

"Has she thought about coming home?' asked Brass.

"I'm working on it," he said.

"Have you told her about Sofia?" asked Brass.

He was quiet.

"Tell her. Don't let her find out through someone else. It would hurt her."

He nodded.

"Got it yet?" asked Brass.

Grissom stared at him.

"Boys tend to …"

"First diaper…it was also our first shower together," announced Grissom.

Brass chuckled. "What are kids for?"

He fixed a light meal and took it upstairs once he put Matthew down for his nap. He nudged her awake.

She pulled herself up and sat there forcing herself to eat.

"I don't think I've ever seen you eat so much…motherhood is good for you."

"I have to in order to breastfeed…it wouldn't be good for Matthew," she said as she yawned.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"He's taking a nap."

"I've slept all morning?" she suddenly asked.

"You've needed the sleep. Dr. Phillips said you would feel drowsy."

She nodded. She slipped back down into the covers.

"Wake me when he gets up so I can nurse him again," she said. He sat there and watched her fall back to sleep. He kissed her on the forehead and then took the tray away.

She drifted in and out for the next few days. He waited until putting Matthew down each night before sliding into bed next to her. It had become a routine for him one he was sure she would stop as soon as she was better. He would no sooner position himself next to her than she would curl her body up next to his and kiss him tenderly. He would return the kiss before drifting off to sleep. Her actions did not give him any hope since he was sure she was dreaming of another time when she had loved him and he had not lost her.

She stayed awake more on the fourth day and even more so on the fifth day. He wondered how long he would be able to get away with sleeping in the same bed with her. He slid up next to her and was surprised when she asked, "Is he asleep already?"

He froze.

"Grissom?"

"He was very tired tonight. I think we played too much today," he finally managed to get out.

"He's not sick, is he?" she asked rising a bit out of the bed.

"He's fine Sara. How are you?" he asked as he kept his distance in the bed.

"Better," she said now wishing she had remained quiet so that now she would be feeling his body next to hers.

"Good," he said as he slowly inched closer. She did the same until finally she placed her body on his. He wrapped his arms around her kissing her gently on the lips when she tilted her head slightly to look at him. He deepened the kiss and then suddenly he was stripping her of the nightgown and then she felt his hands dip into her panties as she arched her body toward his giving him permission to enter her.

He took no time in ridding himself of his clothing and felt his senses go on overload as he slipped into her. It was quick and yet she had felt like it had taken so very long to have him inside her again as she had always wanted. Their lovemaking was slowed as he took the moment to reacquaint himself with her body. She was quick to climax and he joined her before pulling her up close to him.

"In case you didn't feel it just then," he whispered, "I love you."

She gulped down the lump in her throat as he kissed her on the forehead.

"Night," he whispered as he pulled her close.

"Night," she whispered back. "I love you too…in case you ever doubted that."

He swallowed his own lump as they slept.

Note from author:

Here comes some fluff…so enjoy it. Please be sure and leave a review for each chapter…I really do appreciate it. Take care! Penny


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen:**

She was better and found herself able to get up once more as Dr. Phillips announced the pneumonia was gone. They celebrated by going for a walk together with Matthew and then a quiet dinner at home as they laughed over Matthew's refusal to eat cereal.

"Stuff tastes awful," said Grissom.

"You tried his cereal?" she asked.

"I wouldn't give him anything I wasn't willing to eat myself," he announced.

She grinned.

He cleaned up the dishes and then sat back down.

"I have to go back to work," he finally said.

Her smile faded.

"Come with me," he said quickly.

She got up and proceeded to wipe the cereal off Matthew.

"He needs a bath," she said quietly before heading upstairs.

Once he was down for the night, Grissom stood there waiting for her. She turned and saw the determination in his face.

"A visit," she said. "We could come for a visit."

_It's a compromise…_

_She's going to stay…._

_As soon as she comes home…_

He didn't argue but then followed her to bed while they lay there and talked out the arrangements.

"I'll drive up tomorrow," she said. "I'll need to pack a few things."

"Like what?"

"He'll need his portable crib…never used it yet…guess it was good that I purchased it. He'll need some of his toys…his clothing…blankets…"

He pulled her closer and found himself making love to her again.

_She's going to stay as soon as she sees that we're a family…._

He held Matthew for a moment and then placed him in her arms. He waved at him as he hesitated at the door.

"Tomorrow?" he questioned for the hundredth time.

"Tomorrow."

"I packed the portable crib and some of his things in your trunk," he said.

She nodded.

He started to leave but then turned and kissed her fully on the lips followed by Matthew before leaving. She watched him drive away.

She felt the same old feelings the moment she arrived in Vegas. She glanced in the rearview mirror and told herself this time it was different. This time she was returning with their son, a life they had created. She arrived at the townhouse and dropped off the portable crib and other items. She heard Bruno whining on the back deck and opened the door to let him. She nursed him while Bruno sat there staring at her and the baby.

_Probably wonders where I've been…._

_Probably hates me for leaving…_

_If Grissom were honest…._

She glanced at the clock and knew that he had been stuck at the office.

_A double on the first night…_

She buckled him back into the car seat and drove to the lab. She was surprised to see his car parked in its spot. She breathed in deeply and then carried Matthew inside. Greg was the first to notice them and he immediately ran to her side and began chatting.

"Tell me you're back," he said. "Ronnie is driving me insane."

"It's a visit," said Sara. She saw the disappointment in his eyes.

"It's because of Grissom, isn't it?" he blurted out.

She stared at him.

"Should have waited. I knew you would be back," he said.

She stopped to ask him the meaning behind his words when she was hugged from behind and she watched as Greg hurried down the hall while Nick reached for the baby. He clung to her and shied away.

"Momma's boy, huh?" asked Nick. "That's okay. I am too."

She smiled at him.

"Glad you're back," he said now heading down the hall.

"I'm not…." But he was already down the hall.

She made her way like she had done for so many years toward his office. It was empty. She went inside and sat down on the couch with Matthew as she decided to wait for him. She looked up and saw Sofia standing there in front of his desk. Sara startled her when she spoke.

"Have you seen Grissom?" asked Sara.

Sofia turned and stared at mother and child.

"So you took no time in coming back," she said.

Her tone immediately put Sara on the defensive.

"You know what I don't understand is why you decided to leave…after he risks his career by admitting his relationship with you and you repay him by up and running. He was left facing the disciplinary board alone."

She felt the color drain from her face. She had forgotten about the board. She glanced around quickly.

"Oh it's still his office. He wasn't demoted or anything…no thanks to you."

Matthew sensed her uneasiness and he began to whimper.

"Can't believe he would take your child at face value….but then again he did include his own DNA sample with yours when they were determining if the dead child was actually Matthew. What's your plan now? Going to use the baby as a pawn?"

She stood now.

"Excuse me," she said as she started for the door.

"We were happy until you showed back up," she said as she came closer.

Sara stopped.

Sofia turned to face her.

"It took you what seven years to get him into bed with you? Wonder why Sara? It never took him that long with Heather Kessler or…myself. So why did he wait until finally giving in to you?"

It felt like a slap. She flinched through the words. Mathew began to cry. She pulled him closer as she headed out the door. She told herself not to cry. She told herself to let him explain. She placed the baby back into the car seat and sat there wiping the tears with her sleeve.

_I'll wait for him at the house…._

_We can talk it through…_

_He never came for me…_

_Never tried to find me…_

_Slept with Sofia…_

_Never told me…_

She was startled by the phone. She reached for it without looking at the caller ID. She spoke softly letting the tears run down her face now as she drove. She was leaving Vegas again.

He was disappointed when she had left the lab by the time he had finished in the interrogation room. He tried the house and there was no answer. He clocked out and headed home only to find the things sitting in the guest room. He dialed her cell and waited. He cursed when it rolled over to voicemail.

_She doesn't have it turned off…_

_She wouldn't do that…_

_Not this time…_

_She's on the phone…_

_Wait…_

_Like last time…._

_I didn't wait last time…_

_I should have…_

He grabbed his phone the moment it rang and he felt his stomach churn when he heard her voice.

"Gil?"

"I'm in the middle of…"

"Sara came to me today…asking questions about us…she knows."

_How could she know?_

_Sure we were seen together…._

_Unless you…_

_You didn't tell us about Natalie's escape…_

"I can't talk now," he said closing the phone.

He waited.

Hours passed and he tried once more. He was surprised when she answered.

"You left. Why did you leave?" he said feeling the same sense of abandonment as he did before.

"I couldn't stay. Not after…"

He heard Matthew whimpering.

"Sara, I can explain…"

"I can't talk right now," she said between gulps of tears.

"Let me come up there…"

"No."

"You said you would try a visit."

"I can't…"

"I'm coming…"

"No!"

"You're not going to keep him from me."

"I…"

_I wasn't trying…_

"I have the right…"

He could hear scuffling and then Matthew whimpers increasing.

"You're not on the birth certificate…you're not his legal father…of course the DNA sample proved he was yours…you never trusted me…I did nothing to make you distrust me…if anything happened, you would have no legal right..."

He heard something drop and crash to the floor. Matthew began to cry.

"Sara…"

"Get an order," she yelled as she threw the phone on the counter and rocked Matthew back and forth hushing his cries.

Note from author:

I know…the angst follows the fluff but you knew we would have to resolve the issue about Sofia…thanks so much for the reviews…take care! Penny


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen:**

The hours were a blur as people floated in and out of the house. She sat with Mary as they talked quietly. They each shared their tears as the last few friends from town made their way out of the house. She asked for Mary to stay but she was still ill and she left with the last of the town's folk. Sara headed up stairs and thanked Mrs. Donner for sitting with Matthew.

"He's a very happy baby although I think he senses something is wrong," she said sadly.

Sara nodded. She picked up around the house while Matthew slept. She cleaned up the kitchen and stood looking out the kitchen window at the field near the lake. She could still see the fresh mound of dirt. She shivered. She retreated upstairs grabbing her phone and the monitor. She had made it the stairs when she received a knock on the door. She glanced at the clock and sighed. She opened the door and found a uniformed officer.

"Sorry Sara, but this was rushed to our office," he said, "You've been served."

She took the papers and closed the door. She felt her heart pounding as she opened the papers and found herself sitting on the stairs. She read them. She read them again. She let them fall to the floor before making her way upstairs. She checked on Matthew kissing him feverishly on the forehead and he stirred a bit. She then covered her mouth as she ran to her room. She pulled the covers up about her shaking body as the sobs tore from her body.

He had acted in haste. He told himself that the hundredth time as he remembered her ultimatum.

_Get an order._

He had done that. He had called an attorney between cases and requested a change of birth certificate through legitimation and offered to supply the written proof of paternity. He then sought joint custody. His attorney explained the process of custody battles and he felt a migraine coming on. He didn't wish to battle. He wanted to see his son. He wanted to see her. He wanted his family. He mumbled being exhausted from the double shift and his attorney assured him he would file the appropriate papers getting him what he needed. He found himself on the couch asleep within minutes.

He stretched a few hours later and headed toward the showers in the lab. He was stopped by the front desk staff and handed the papers from his attorney. He tucked them under his arm and continued on his way. He showered and changed going to the break room and making coffee. It was strong and pungent. He would need it today.

He breathed in deeply and opened the papers.

_I didn't want full custody…_

_She'll think I'm trying to take him away from her…_

_She's going to be hurt…_

_Again…_

He cursed inwardly as he hurried out the door trying to reach her by phone. He continued until he made his way to the front porch swing. He listened for any sign of someone up but there was silence.

_Matthew will be up soon…_

He sat down in the swing and waited.

He wasn't aware he had nodded off until his phone rang. It was her. He could tell she was still upset as she tried to talk without letting her emotions show.

"We need to talk," she said quietly.

"Yes, we do. Can I come in?" he asked.

"You're here?"

"I've been waiting for you to wake up," he said.

He heard the click of the lock and the door opened slightly. He pretended not to notice she had been crying. He followed her to the kitchen. He saw the custody papers lying on the floor in front of the stairs. She made coffee saying nothing and handed him a cup while she poured herself a glass of juice.

"Gave up coffee also?" he asked trying to make small talk.

"Matthew."

There was no other explanation needed. Everything she did evolved around Matthew. He envied his son.

They squared off across the counter. He braced himself for her fury. There was none.

"I had no intention of keeping you from Matthew," she said sadly.

"You left without giving me a reason…you pointed out I had no rights…you told me to get an order."

Her head ached.

"I had my reasons for leaving. You have no rights. You would need an order to change his birth certificate….if anything happened to me…I don't want Matthew to end up in state custody…you need to have the birth certificate amended…for his protection."

He felt the color leave his face.

_She was thinking of Matthew…_

"Sara, I need to tell you…"

"I know about Sofia."

Their eyes met. He watched as a tear slid down her face. He reached to wipe it away and she stepped back.

"I was hurt," he said suddenly.

"You waited seven years before letting me into your life but I'm gone less than a year and you're with Sofia?"

Her words were like shards of glass. He felt them both bleeding.

"I missed you."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better to know that I can be so easily replaced? Want to know how many men I've slept with since I came to Vegas?"

He flinched.

"One."

He was silent for a moment.

"I never asked you…"

"Not to sleep around? No you didn't but then you knew I wouldn't…doing the DNA...that hurt."

"I did it to have the birth certificate amended. I wasn't sure you would agree to it."

He watched another tear slip down her cheek.

"I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you at home…Sara…"

She turned away from him and he watched as her shoulders shook. Her phone rang and she stood there letting it ring.

"Do you want me to get that?" he asked quietly.

She answered it.

"Arrangements? Mary was waiting…she's not sure when his body will be returned to the U.S. It could be several days…Mrs. Donner was going to help with those arrangements."

He stood there watching her wipe her eyes as she spoke in a soft tone to the person before hanging up.

"Sara?"

"Brad's hummer ran over a land mine…he was killed. He spends over ten years as a police officer without a scratch and then he goes over there and…" Her voice trailed off.

"I'm sorry. I never thanked him for helping you and Matthew."

"No, you didn't. You just assumed we were sleeping together."

He watched as she headed upstairs. As she reached the top of the stairs, they could hear Matthew waking. He followed her upstairs standing there and watched as she changed him and then took him into her room closing the door this time. He was not welcomed inside. He returned to the nursery and waited. Once he had been breastfed, he heard the soft burp from him as she carried him back to the nursery and handed him to Grissom.

He smiled at Grissom.

"He has a new cry," she said sadly.

Grissom turned to look at her.

"He cries when he misses you," she said as she cried herself. "I'll share him…but I won't give you full custody. It will be over my dead body."

She turned and started for the door.

"Sara, I only wanted joint custody…nothing more. I would never take him from you. I…"

He watched helplessly as she left the room. He heard the bedroom door shut and then click.

He tried to catch his breath as he felt the finality of their relationship unfold.

He spent the day with him. He caught only glimpses of her as she nursed him and then disappeared downstairs a few times to meet with a few persons who came to the door. She looked exhausted and worn out by the end of the day and he worried about leaving her alone with Matthew.

"I could…"

"No."

He nodded.

"Sara…"

"I'll bring him tomorrow. I'll drop him off at the house," she said looking down at the floor.

"You could stay…so you wouldn't…"

She was already shaking her head.

He didn't push. He could see her resolve slowly diminishing.

"If you need anything…"

She opened the door and stood there.

He glanced once more at her before leaving. He stood there as he heard the click of the door behind him. He turned suddenly when he heard her sobs on the other side of the door. He didn't want to leave. He positioned his hand to knock on the door but then stopped himself. He chose to let her grieve in silence.

He was back at work with very little sleep. He began assessing the crime scene when he heard her voice behind him.

"How are you?" she asked.

He glanced at her and continued to work.

She was silent for a moment and then came closer.

"Gil, she knew about us. I didn't have to tell her anything. She knew."

"But you probably took great pleasure in telling her so you could see her reaction."

She stood there for a moment before responding. "She left you. I didn't."

"I never should have spent time with you…that's all it was…no relationship…no feelings…just time."

"You didn't seem to mind…"

"It will never happen again…even if I never get her to trust me again. It will never happen again."

He walked away as she stood there.

Note from author:

Some have asked how long this is and I have to laugh since I have noticed I didn't even number the chapters correctly! LOL I will say I think it will be around 45 or so…I will let you know when we get down to the last ten….yes, I am still working on the epilogue. I have not started another story….can't seem to get motivated however maybe this week's episode might motivate me or swear me off CSI…I miss Jorja….Grissom without Sara is sad…very sad…sigh! Leave a review…If you have an idea for a story, send me a private email…go to my bio and my email is located there. I have an idea….would need some time to do it justice…anyway, Take care! Penny


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen:**

She arrived on time. She carried him inside and waited as he put the portable crib up. She placed him inside covering him up.

She went to the kitchen and placed the expressed bottles in the fridge and then turned to find him standing there watching her.

"There are plenty of bottles," she said. "Freeze the others."

He nodded.

She hurried to the door and placed her hand on the knob but he stopped her.

"You look tired. You could stay…."

"He's teething. There's some ointment in the bag…just rub it on his gums…there's also a teether in the fridge…he likes to chew on it."

She left.

She was back right before shift to pick him up. She said very little as she gathered his things. He noticed the dark circles under her eyes and the puffiness was still visible.

_She's still mourning…_

_Brad…_

_Or us…_

They alternated traveling. He drove the next day staying at her house while she made herself scarce. He had waited to see her reaction when he brought Bruno but she did not seem to mind. She patted his head and then found herself hugging the dog as he whined about her feet as if scolding her for leaving him. It continued in this routine for several days.

He arrived one day and he found her in a black dress and he knew that Brad's body had finally been returned. He had no sooner arrived than she was leaving. He stood at the window and watched her drive away. She was a little late getting back but he didn't mind since he had the night off anyway. She walked in shutting the door softly and hurried upstairs. She found them playing in the floor.

"There's mommy," he said smiling at her.

She did not return the smile.

"You okay?" he asked.

"I'm sorry, the funeral ran over," she said.

"It's no problem. I have the night off," he said. "Do you mind if I stay awhile longer with him?"

"It's fine," she whispered.

He glanced down at Matthew and then back to the doorway but she was gone.

He did not hear from her for several hours. He carried Matthew downstairs and found her cleaning. The laundry was done and the kitchen was spotless. She looked at the clock and set Matthew in the high chair. She prepared some cereal and he ate.

"When did he…"

"I guess he decided it tasted good today," she said pushing her hair back with her hand. She was tired.

"Could I do that?" he asked.

She let him as he watched her disappear once more.

He put Matthew down and then went in search of her. He found her asleep in the study. She had been sitting at the desk with papers scattered on top when she must have fallen asleep. He sat there in the chair across from the desk and watched her. It reminded him of the time she had fallen asleep in the lab. He was often finding her there late at night. He glanced at the papers and saw that she was paying bills. He gently slipped the notebook from the desk and glanced at it.

_Two months of leave remaining…_

He ran through her budget and saw that she had been very frugal with her money but the column listing medical expenses astounded him. He glanced through the documented bill amounts and then back at her. He slipped the book back onto the desk and went into the kitchen to fix dinner. She woke to the smell of food. She jerked her head up and cringed at the stiffness in her neck. She walked into the kitchen and found him tossing a salad. She knew he had made lasagna by the aroma.

"Hungry?" he asked.

She did not respond but left to check on Matthew. She was disappointed when he was still sleeping. She sat down in the rocker and closed her eyes.

"Sara?"

"I'll eat later," she said.

"We need to talk…lasagna is always better when it's hot." He stood there and insisted. She found herself seated at the other end of the table. He filled her plate and waited until she took the first bite. She was never disappointed with his cooking. He was always so much better than her.

"Sara, this is hard on Matthew…making him travel back and forth every other day. I have a proposal," he said.

She looked at him.

"I would come and stay here during the week so I could visit with Matthew but then on the weekends, you would come to Vegas and stay at the townhouse….strictly for Matthew."

It was fair. It meant she would only see Vegas in her mirror a few times each week rather than several and the visits had been hard on Matthew not to mention herself. Each time she drove away from the townhouse without Matthew she found herself reminded of that night when she packed her things hurriedly and walked out of their life together. She felt the familiar pang and she glanced down quickly to hide the tear that threatened.

_Maybe if I had stayed…_

_Maybe if I had tried a little harder…._

_Maybe I would have self destructed…._

He was surprised she agreed so quickly.

"Bruno…" he began.

"Bruno can come."

He smiled, "he's missed you."

She said nothing but finished the meal and then began to clean up the kitchen. He assisted despite her protests.

"I have the night off. Do you mind if I stay over…so I could spend more time with him tomorrow?"

He held his breath.

She agreed.

He wasn't prepared when he heard her leave. He spent the evening with Matthew. He noticed Bruno had disappeared as well. It was a few minutes before his bedtime when she returned. He had already been given a bath and was now in his pajamas. She took him to her room closing the door. When they did not reappear within an hour, he tapped at the door. When there was no reply, he opened it and found them fast asleep. He picked up Matthew and returned him to his crib.

He sat on the guest bed reading a book when he heard her stir. She rushed out of the room and pulled Matthew out of his bed causing him to whimper. She held him tight as she plopped down in the rocker with him.

"Is he okay?" he asked suddenly.

She nodded.

She was breathing heavily.

"Sara?"

"Just a dream," she whispered. She held him closer kissing him on the cheek.

"Natalie?" he asked.

She nodded.

"Could I get you anything?"

She shook her head.

He stood there a moment before returning to the guest room. She rocked him for several hours before putting him back in the crib. He watched as she headed toward her room. He waited for the sound of the door closing but this time it didn't. He strained his ears and then quietly got up to stand by her door. He glanced inside and found she was not there.

Grissom walked down the stairs and found her sitting in the study wrapped in a blanket. Bruno sat by her side. He came and knelt down beside her.

"Sara?"

"I feel like I'm drowning," she whispered. "In my dream…I'm struggling for air and I keep telling myself to just hold on…I don't know why…if I knew then what I know now…I would have let the water fill my lungs and then you could have found my body there…there are worst things than dying in the desert."

"If you had given up…if you had died…there would be no Matthew. Isn't he worth it?" he managed to get out from the guilt he felt.

"He's the only thing I've done right," she said swiping at her eyes.

"You and Matthew are the only thing I've ever done right," he said.

She closed her eyes and felt the tears come again. He was pulling her into his arms despite her protests. He felt her fists beat his chest and still he held her tight. He let her scream and yell at him until she was spent. She grew limp in his arms as he continued to hold her, rubbing her back gently as he had done so many times with Matthew.

"Sara…"

"I'm through with us. No more. No more waiting for you…no more forgiving you for hurting me…no more…" she sobbed.

"I'm sorry, Sara. Please forgive me. I never meant to hurt you. If I have to spend the rest of my life trying to make this right, then I'll do it," he said between his own sobs.

"It won't matter. I waited seven years and….less than a year….I'm through…I'm through with us…" she said pulling away. He watched as she hurried upstairs.

He felt as though he was drowning himself as he stood and told himself to breathe in and out. He sat down in the chair and felt his own tears. He had finally pushed her too far. This time there would not be another chance.

The next day, they took turns spending time with Matthew. When it was time for him to leave, he went in search of her and found her in the kitchen.

"Our agreement…"

"You can bring your things and put them in the guest room," she said. "I'll have a key made for you."

He told himself not read anything into it. Her face told him the same.

He fired the attorney and hired another to handle the legitimation process. She kept her distance each day, only appearing to play with Matthew or nurse him before heading off downstairs. She cooked each night and he was surprised at how well she had gotten. They ate together only when Matthew was present. Other times, she would slip outside and stay gone until after dark. He sat on the porch one night and watched as she came walking up from the lake.

"Is that where you've been spending your time?" he asked.

She came and sat down on the porch step. "Is Matthew…"

"Our conversations could consist of more than just Matthew," he said irritably.

She stood and started to go inside.

"This weekend…"

"I'll drive down," she said.

"Sara, I hired another attorney to handle the legitimation process."

She nodded.

"When were you going to tell me about the medical bills?" he asked.

She stared at him and then at the house. "Our agreement consisted of you staying here solely for the purpose of spending time with Matthew. It did not include you going through my things…"

"I didn't! I saw the bill ledger that day you fell asleep at your desk…You should have told me," he said.

"It's been taken care of," she said with arms folded.

"It's wiped out most of your savings," he said. "I'll reimburse you."

"No!"

"He's my responsibility too. It's only fair."

"I don't want your money! I never asked…"

"No, you wouldn't but I insist."

"I don't want it…I don't want anything from you."

"Really?" he stood blocking her from the front door. "Not even love?"

"No!"

He stepped back and let her enter. She shut the door and he found himself leaning against the door frame reminding himself that he could still live with knowing he could never have her again. He just needed to remind himself to breathe.

Note from author:

Don't worry…you know the more time they spend together the more likely they are going to resolve this mess. I read ahead and yep fluff is on the way…try not to choke on it. Thanks to those who have sent ideas. I started a story last night but I got another idea that I am going to try to sit down and write in the next couple of days…more fluff, humor, romance and angst of course. Thanks to Peggy for the idea! If you have an idea, send it my way. Take care! Penny


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen:**

She came downstairs later to find a check sitting on the study desk. She glared at it. He watched from the top of the stairs as she grabbed it and ripped it up into pieces. He fumed.

_She's being stubborn…._

_She needs the money and yet she won't take it from me…_

The weekend arrived and he waited for her. She arrived just as he was pulling in. He helped her unload the things from the car. He held Matthew while she unpacked the baby's things. She seemed upset although he pretended not to notice. She walked about the house while he played with Matthew. He suddenly heard the door open and then shut and he went to find her sitting on the deck.

"Is there something wrong?" he asked.

She shook her head.

He knew different.

"Sara?" he asked.

"I can't stay here," she said finally struggling with each word as if her surroundings were devoid of air. "You still have the extra frozen bottles…call me if he needs me" she said quickly getting up. She felt her heart racing as she understood what she was preparing to do.

"You said you didn't want to be away from him…"

"I can't do this," she said breathing in deeply.

"Sara? Are you okay?" he said getting up with Matthew. She reached for Matthew's hand and kissed the palm. He had often done that to her.

"Call me if he…" she was hurrying now out the door.

He stood there and stared as the door closed. He hugged Matthew as he began to whimper.

"I'm worried too," he whispered. "I'm worried too."

He got him to sleep after several tries. He seemed to sense something was wrong and he whimpered a few times for her. He was about to call her when he fell asleep.

He stretched out on the guest bed and stared at Matthew.

_I thought if she stayed here…._

_Got used to being here again…_

_She would forget…_

_She's never going to forget…_

_I hurt her…_

_I really hurt her this time…_

_To know that I had spent time with someone…_

_Rather than her…_

He was up now rushing outside the room and picked up the phone. He was relieved when she answered the phone.

"Is he okay?" she asked quickly.

"He's…having a hard time going to sleep. He's looking for you," he lied.

"Have you rocked him?" she asked quietly.

"I've done everything," he said. "Sara, he needs you."

"I don't hear him," she said suddenly.

_Shit…_

"I'm standing outside. I had to put Bruno out. He was beginning to howl from the crying," he lied again.

"I'm coming," she said quickly. "I'll be there soon."

She returned, rushing inside to find him fast asleep in Grissom's arms.

"He finally passed out. I don't think you should leave him again. Please."

She felt her heart begin to race once more. He saw the panic look.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"Sara, she's never stayed in this house. She came over once and cooked dinner," he said.

His suspicions were correct as he saw a glimpse of her pain.

"I never brought anyone here…"

She turned and walked out.

He laid Matthew back down and gently closed the door until there was only a crack visible.

He came to sit down across from her in the living room.

"If this is going to work then we need to talk," he said. He walked over and handed her some papers.

She sighed when she saw they were custody papers.

"Joint custody…each sharing in the care and decision making…equal responsibilities…His name will be changed to mine. I've listed him as my beneficiary."

She glanced at him.

"Just sign it," he pleaded.

It made her read each paragraph and she threw it back at him.

"I won't sign it."

"Why?"

"I don't want anything from you."

"Sara, you've supported him throughout the pregnancy and the last seven months. You've incurred all of the medical expenses…It's my turn."

"No!"

"I make more money than you. It only stands to reason that I should pay you monthly support for Matthew."

"No!"

"What are you going to do when the sick and annual leave expires soon? You'll have to return to work. You've exhausted all of your savings in buying the house and paying his medical expenses."

"I'll go back to work…I'll locate a daycare…"

"There are no daycares on grave shift…"

"I've requested days."

He nodded.

_She's coming back…_

"Do you think it's wise for him to go to a daycare…with his health?"

"I've asked Mrs. Donner…I'm hoping I can get her to stay at the house."

"It would be better if you stayed with him until he was one."

"That's not possible," she said.

"It is if you would let me help," he said.

"No."

"So your pride is more important than his health?" He regretted the jab the moment he saw the hurt on her face.

"If I don't return to work the medical insurance will be terminated. He can't go without medical insurance."

He felt like a jerk.

"I could put him on mine," he said quickly.

_If you married me, I could put both of you on mine…_

"You would need full custody…that will never happen."

They stared at one another.

"I don't want full custody," he said softly. "I just want to help you."

"This is my problem," she said getting up.

"Why is it just your problem? He's ours," letting his frustration slip into his voice.

"Yes he is but the moment I decided to have him…to risk…to fight to keep us alive…it's been my problem."

"Sara, sign the order."

"No."

"Do you hate me so much that you won't even consider letting me help…"

"Remove the support section," she said throwing it back at him. He sighed as he watched her return to the bedroom. She slept very little, tossing and turning. She found herself being shaken awake by someone and she jumped back.

"Sara," he said. "You were dreaming."

She quickly jumped up and checked on Matthew and then glanced at the clock.

"I came home early," he said.

She willed herself to calm down as she glanced around the room. It had felt strange waking up in the guest room. It was not their room. She missed their room. She missed them.

He hesitated a moment before leaving the room. She slipped out of the room and came to the kitchen.

He started to offer her coffee but stopped himself. "Juice?"

She nodded.

"Bad night?" he asked.

"He was a little restless. I think he knows he's not at home," she said.

"He is home," he said without thinking.

"He's not used to this…it will be hard for awhile but he'll be fine," she said as she opened the door and let Bruno back in.

"Is Bruno sleeping with you?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Like I said, he missed you."

_So did I…._

_So do I…._

The weekend ended and she returned home taking Matthew. He was back at her house and the routine began again. It continued. He was surprised when he ran into her at the lab one evening. He looked around and started to ask when she spoke up, "He's with Nick."

He said nothing more but watched as she headed to personnel.

The next day he stood in the kitchen and watched as she prepared dinner.

"When do you start back?" he asked.

"I start in two weeks."

"What about Matthew?"

"Mrs. Donner and her niece are going to come here each day and watch him."

"Good."

They sat with Matthew and ate dinner that evening.

"I want to talk with you after he goes to sleep," he said helping with the dishes.

Once he closed his eyes, he placed him in the crib and then crossed the hall to his room. He returned with the order. She sighed.

He handed her the papers and then left for work.

She sat down in the study and opened the papers. A check fell out into her lap. She scoffed.

He thought to avoid her call but thought better of it when it rang for the third time.

"Is there a reason why you're not answering your phone?" asked Brass.

"Grissom."

"Sara…no I'm serious…Yes I can follow instructions…just not yours."

Brass chuckled when he saw Grissom's expression.

"Why did you do that?" he asked agitated.

"Fine. We'll talk when I get home…Sara…Sara!"

He placed the phone back into his pocket. Brass watched as his jaw twitched.

"Problem?"

"We're trying to work out an order."

"Ouch. I remember the countless trips to the lawyers….and I was married."

He glared at Brass.

"What's the problem?" he asked. "Maybe I can help."

"She refuses to sign the order."

"Are you being unreasonable?"

"She is!" he yelled.

The others looked up.

"What are the conditions?"

"Joint custody…equal share in care and responsibility."

"And she won't sign? Why?"

"She doesn't like the financial part of it," he said.

He nodded. "Child support can be painful," he said as he took a sip of coffee.

"She won't accept any."

Brass spewed his coffee out. "You should have married her."

He shot another glare at him.

"She's exhausted her savings on purchasing a home for him and covering the medical expenses but she refuses to accept a dime from me. I've written two checks and she's ripped both of them up."

Brass grinned. "Did you offer to pay half?"

"Yes."

"And she refused?"

"Ripped it up along with the order."

"What was the other offer?"

"child and spousal support until he's eighteen."

"Gil, you were not married."

"It doesn't matter. I make more than she does."

"Did you offer just child support?"

He nodded. "She refused."

"What was this latest offer?"

"I wrote her a check for twenty thousand."

He spewed his coffee again.

"What does she want?"

"Joint custody…equal share in care and decision making…she refuses to accept any money…ever."

"Lucky you. You have no idea how lucky you are…"

"Lucky? I want her back. She won't forgive me. I've begged…pleaded…used Matthew…she says we're through."

"Fix the order the way she wants it."

"It's not fair."

"Remember that and then do something about it."

"How?"

"If Matthew needs something, buy it without discussing it. Cover the medical expenses through the hospital and not Sara. If her car needs repair, take it and have it done without discussing it. Get the idea?"

He nodded.

"Gil?"

"Yeah?"

"You're a fool if you accept the fact that it's final."

Note from author:

I am going to be buried for the next several hours so I am going to post again. Please be sure to give a review for eeach chapter. Thanks !

Take care!

Penny


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter Nineteen:**

He had the order amended and set it on her desk. He found it sitting on the bedside table in his room with her signature. It hurt him that she would not accept any money. He took the order and had it filed with the court.

She seemed a bit apprehensive when she returned to work. They passed each other coming and going in the foyer. He stood and watched her drive away before heading upstairs. He was gone before she came home. Mrs. Donner had since left but the niece had arrived to cover until Sara arrived.

"How did it go?" she asked.

"He's was just fine," said Emily. "Mr. Grissom is very good with him."

She smiled slightly.

She survived the first week seeing very little of him except to pass at the door. He watched for any sign of her previous struggle with the job but she said nothing and he felt the familiar pang of worry each time she stepped out the door. He was relieved when he finally had a day off and took advantage of his time by coming home early. She stepped into the door and rushed upstairs to find the house empty. She came back down and stepped back outside. She sat down on the step and breathed in deeply.

_Nothing is wrong…_

_Nothing is wrong..._

He pulled into the drive and saw the worried expression on her face.

"You didn't check the fridge," he said stepping out of the vehicle.

"No."

"We went into to town for some things," he said. She took Matthew out of the car seat. She hugged him and he squealed with delight.

"I think he misses you."

"Don't," she said angrily.

He looked at her confused.

"I don't need the guilt trip," she said as she turned and headed inside.

He waited until she had spent some time with Matthew before confronting her.

"I didn't mean anything…"

"I'm sorry," she said before he could finish.

"Sara?"

She handed Matthew to him and stepped out of the nursery. He heard her go downstairs and he followed.

He entered the kitchen and watched her stare out the window.

"I was going to cook…it was the reason for our trip to town," he said.

She stood there staring out the window.

"Sara?"

"Hhhm?" she finally replied.

"Take Matthew," he said softly.

She turned and he placed him in her arms.

"Go play with him," he said.

She stood there and stared at Matthew for a moment before taking him to the study.

He started dinner and found himself stepping inside the study every now and then to check on them. She seemed different and he felt the familiar pang of fear. She said little during dinner and then sat in the nursery nursing him, not bothering to take him to her room. He stood and watched like he had done so many times before. When he finished, he whimpered a bit and she placed him up close to her as she hummed. He was asleep in minutes and yet she continued to sit there with him. An hour passed and he finally came to stand beside her.

"Sara...is something wrong?"

She shook her head as she stood and put him in the crib. She ignored the attempt at conversation as she retired to her room, shutting the door but then opening it slightly. He crept downstairs and called Brass.

He knocked lightly on the door before entering. She was awake as she lay on her side.

"Could we talk?" he asked.

"I'm tired," she whispered.

"I heard about today."

She remained quiet.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "I'm worried about you."

"I'm…" she said nothing more.

"It must have been hard working the case. I'm sure you thought about Matthew."

She said nothing.

He ignored the silence and sat down on the edge of the bed and waited.

"The husband was sure we would find her. His wife blamed him while he blamed her. She knew the baby was dead. He wouldn't believe it until they saw the body. I watched them looking at the baby and I saw myself. I saw myself back up there in the field as Warrick held the baby covered with Matthew's blanket and all I wanted to do was rush home and hold him."

He found himself caressing her back. He wasn't aware that he was doing it until she spoke.

"Please don't."

He stopped suddenly and started to get up when she spoke suddenly.

"When I left you were facing disciplinary action…you never told me what happened?"

"Does it matter?"

"It matters to me," she said.

"There's a copy of the investigation along with the board's disapproval of my action in my file."

"What does that mean?"

"It means if I ever decide to apply for another job, it will be available for prospective employers to see."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not."

"Why?"

"I've never regretted the choice I made."

He started to close the door when she whispered back, "Me too."

He reviewed the baby book every week checking Matthew's progress. In just weeks he was crawling and now he was trying to pull himself up contemplating the first step. He heard the door open and waited for her voice but she did not come up as usual. He left the baby with Emily as he headed downstairs. She stood there and stared at the document on the table.

"His birth certificate came today," he said.

She stared at it.

"Sara…"

"Thank you," she said.

"How was work?" he asked.

"No rapes, domestic violence, abductions or kidnappings," she said.

He stared at her. "I wasn't…"

"Yes you were….I'm fine really," she said as she headed for the fridge.

He turned to leave but then stopped. "I worry about you."

"Me too."

Her reply frightened them both.

"You can talk with me," he offered.

"No, I can't," she said.

"Why not?"

"Because you're the problem," she said as she walked away.

"Sara?"

She stopped but did not turn around.

"I love you," he said.

She felt the lump in her throat as she hurried upstairs. She did not stop until she was safely in her room with the door behind her back.

"I love you too," she choked out. "I love you too."

Matthew stood and smiled at them as they watched. Bruno wagged his tail in celebration. He looked at them both and then let go. He grinned when he did not fall but quickly grabbed for the table once more. She stood and he smiled at her. She smiled back and then headed toward the kitchen with Bruno following.

"Sara!"

She whirled around and he stood there without holding the table. He started to take a step but then stopped.

She grinned.

"Momma can wait. I'm not ready for you to grow up just yet," she said as she turned once more.

She stopped suddenly when Matthew called for her.

"Momma"

She turned and sunk to the floor facing him.

"Matthew?"

"Momma," he said with a big smile.

She felt her smile broaden across her face as she held out her hands.

"Matthew?"

He plopped down on his bottom and crawled to her. She held him as he burst into giggles. Grissom chuckled.

"Something new for the baby book," he said.

She smiled.

They both smiled.

Note from author:

okay see some fluff...it's going to get fluffy...don't suffocate. Leave the reviews. Take care! Penny


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty:**

She fumed as she worked over calling Emily to make sure she could stay with Matthew. She was surprised it had not happened sooner but it did not help knowing that she would not be with him. She kept her head down as she processed the scene. She felt someone beside her and she looked up to find him standing there.

"I heard about the case," said Grissom. "I just wanted to make sure Emily would be able to stay with him."

"Yes. She didn't mention you weren't there."

"I had trial earlier," he said. "It ran over."

"Then he hasn't seen you either?" she asked.

"No. Sara, he'll be fine."

"I wasn't worried about Matthew. I was worried about Emily. He's not going to like it."

He grinned.

"Want to flip to see who goes home first and faces his wrath?"

"I'm still working," she said with a grin.

"I guess I'm the lucky one," he said.

"The grocery list…"

He patted his pocket. "It will give me some time to come up with a plan."

She grinned.

Brass watched the exchange and waited until Grissom left.

"Hey kiddo," he said.

"Hey."

"Everything seems to be going well," he said.

She nodded.

"So when are the two of you going to make it official?" he asked.

She looked at him confused.

"Sara, you're living together…"

"No, we're not."

"Looks and sounds like it to me."

"We're not…we share houses for Matthew's sake."

"Is that what you call it?" he asked.

She didn't like the remark.

"Sara, forgive him. He's been punished enough."

"I'm not punishing him."

"Yes, you are."

"I didn't sleep with someone else."

"He didn't either."

"Sofia told me…he admitted they were together," she said.

Brass cursed, "Is this what's this has been about? Remember you're talking about Grissom here. The same man who told Ecklie the two of you had been together for nine years when it was two."

She sighed.

He took a step closer.

"He hit a low point a couple of months ago…a case reminded him of you. He wouldn't let anyone help."

"The guys told me about it," she said softly.

"Did they tell you Catherine and I had to drag him off the site? We took him home and stayed with him that night. We started taking turns checking on him. One night, Catherine and I got caught up in a really bad case and I asked Sofia to check in on him."

They stared at one another.

"Yes…I was the one who sent Sofia to him. He wasn't there. He went out to a bar for a drink and had one too many and called me. I called Sofia. I regret making that call now. Sofia picked him up and took him to her place. He passed out there and spent the night in her bed. He did not have sex with her but you know Grissom. Just the act of him being in someone else's bed constituted a sin. He became more depressed. We made him take some time off and see a psychologist because he had difficulty sleeping."

He sighed as he sat down.

"He went back to work and began pulling doubles again. Sofia started coming by with dinner in a bag. At first, I thought she only wanted friendship…Grissom thought the same...you know how blind he can be to those things… but then I could tell she wanted more. She began showing up at every site with coffee or if he missed dinner, she was there once again with dinner in hand. She asked him to go to dinner one night and he accepted….that was the night Matthew disappeared. Sofia made dinner for him at the townhouse."

She sniffled and turned away.

"Look, Grissom did not sleep with her. He could never do that. He was lonely and Sofia made herself available. Believe me. He's punished himself more than you ever could over that."

She went back to work and ignored his presence for the remainder of the case.

She finished and then returned to the lab to drop off the evidence before heading home. She cursed the moment she saw the traffic jam. With each mile, she glanced at her watch. She flipped on the radio and thumbed through the channels before switching it back off. She could see the wreck ahead and she knew that it had been a serious one. She grabbed her phone. Her stomach lurched when Emily answered the phone.

"Emily, I need to speak with Grissom."

"He's not here yet."

She told herself to breathe in and out as she neared the wreck.

_Don't let it be him…_

_Don't let it be him…_

_Don't let it…_

She pulled over and felt her legs running toward the crash site. She stared at the vehicle.

"Miss…"

"Where is the man that was driving this vehicle?" she asked quickly.

"He was taken by ambulance an hour ago," said the officer.

"I need to get there," she said. "I need to get there now!"

"Do you know the person?"

"See that car seat in the back seat? That's our son's…he was supposed to have already been home…he's a supervisor for the Las Vegas Crime lab."

She followed the police escort not bothering to correct the man when he referred to her as Mrs. Grissom. She ran inside asking for directions and did not stop until she found herself sitting in the waiting room. She flipped open her phone and called Brass.

"Jim, it's Sara."

She did not recognize her own voice.

"What's wrong?" he asked quickly.

"Grissom. There was a wreck. I'm here in the emergency room. I don't know anything yet."

"I'm on my way."

"Jim? I'm scared."

"Remember that the next time you see him."

She paced back and forth and was relieved when she recognized a nurse coming toward her.

"Sara? Are you here for Gil Grissom?"

"Yes."

"He's being put in a room as we speak."

"How is he?"

"The doctor will be out in a minute. Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"He's going to be okay."

She felt herself drop into the seat behind her.

She sat there and listened to his injuries.

_Slight concussion…_

_Few head lacerations…_

_Broken ribs…_

_Bruising from airbag impact…_

_Dislocated shoulder…._

"He's going to be alright?" she heard herself ask once more.

"Mr. Grissom is going to be okay. We'll keep him a couple of days and then he'll be able to come home. You can see him in a minute."

She nodded.

She felt a tap on her shoulder and saw Brass standing there. She recounted the doctor diagnosis and prognosis word for word. He could tell she was upset. A nurse came and took them to the room. She sat there beside him and looked at the nurse.

"He's pretty sedated," said the nurse. "He'll probably be out for most of the night."

"Are you sure?" asked Sara.

"It might be best if you went home and got some rest…tomorrow…"

"No, I'm staying," she said.

Brass looked at her. "Matthew?"

"Mrs. Donner is coming to spend the night with him."

She stared at him.

"Sara, maybe it would be better if you went home…be with Matthew. He would want you to be with Matthew."

She shook her head.

"I'm going to call the lab," said Brass as he stepped out into the hall. He looked in and watched as she pulled the chair up close to his bed and wrapped her arms around him. Her shoulders shook as she held him tightly.

"Don't you ever do that again," she cried. "Don't you ever…I love you Grissom. I've loved you forever."

He felt his hand being lifted and then warmth. He wanted to wake but was unable as he lay there between unconsciousness and knowing that she held his hand to her cheek as she kissed it over and over. She laid her head down gently beside him ever mindful of the broken ribs. She touched the cut on his forehead and traced its path.

He came in quietly and stood beside the bed.

"How is he?" he asked.

"He's still unconscious…they've given him quite a bit for pain."

"Sara?"

She turned to look at him.

"You should tell him."

"Tell him?"

"Tell him you still love him. He needs to hear that."

She said nothing but kept a firm grip on his hand.

"Need anything before I go?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"He's going to be off work for awhile."

"I told them. I also reported you would not be coming in tomorrow so don't do it. Your family needs you. He's your family just like Matthew."

She nodded feeling the lump in her throat grow bigger.

"You okay?" he asked.

"I…uhm…I've never been more scared than when I saw his vehicle," she whispered as she let the tears drop. He hugged her as he smiled.

Note from author:

Everyone has been asking if Grissom slept with Sofia…you know how Grissom defines things when it relates to relationship. Remember the nine years versus two fiasco? Sleeping with Sofia is much like that. I am glad we finally got to this chapter so you could hear it from Brass but then Grissom will admit it later as well. Take care! Penny


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter Twenty One:**

She slept little that night watching the monitors as he stirred from time to time. She finally felt herself dozing as she laid her head down and slept. She felt his hand pull away causing her to sit up.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you," he said.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

"Like I totaled the car," he said.

She said nothing.

"Accurate assessment?" he asked.

She nodded.

"Who has Matthew?"

"Mrs. Donner."

"Have you been home since…"

"No."

"You need to go. He's going to be…"

"I wanted to wait until you woke."

"I'd much rather be here than to face Matthew."

She grinned.

"I called Jim. He was here last night. He notified the lab."

He nodded and then winced when he tried to sit up.

"Are you…"

"I now know what a test dummy feels like in a test crash."

"Do you remember what happened?"

"State police chased a vehicle into mine. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Ouch."

"Good news is I'll get to spend some time with Matthew."

"He'll like that."

She stood to leave but turned suddenly.

"Griss…."

The door opened and they stared as Sofia stepped inside.

Sara glanced at Grissom and then Sofia before walking out the door. She hurried passed the others as they were coming in not stopping for their calls. She did not stop until she was pulling into the driveway and then she felt her resolve give way as she sat there trembling.

_I could have lost him…._

_He could have died…_

_I have to let this go…_

_I have to or…_

She sat there in the car and sighed as the front of her blouse dripped with breast milk. She slipped upstairs and changed. Mrs. Donner was asleep in the guestroom and she tiptoed into Matthew's room. She gently picked him up and he stirred opening his blue eyes to stare at her.

She smiled at him.

He wailed at her.

She quickly placed him on her breasts and he whimpered as he nursed furrowing his little eye brows at her much like his father often did when she had been caught doing something. She swiped at her eyes and kissed him on the forehead. Once he was finished, she took him into her room and laid down with him. Blue eyes stared at brown.

"Momma."

"Momma sorry Matthew. Daddy needed me."

He stared at her. She opened the dresser and pulled out a photo that was stuck in her poetry book.

"Dada," she said pointing at Grissom. "Dada needed momma."

He stared at her.

"dada."

She sucked in air as she listened.

"dada."

"Yes, dada needed momma."

"dada"

"Yes."

"dada"

"yes."

"dada"

"Me too," she got out between quiet sobs. "Me too."

She sat down stairs and watched him play with his toys when there was a knock on the door. She opened the door to find Brass and the others.

"Thought we would come by since we were in the neighborhood," said Brass.

She smiled as they came in. Greg went to sit in the floor with Matthew.

"He's getting so big," said Catherine.

"He said momma," said Nick. "He's a momma's boy."

"Coffee?" she offered.

They nodded as they focused their attention on the baby as Brass followed her into the kitchen.

"Heard you ran into Sofia this morning," said Brass.

"Is this the reason for the social call?" asked Sara.

"He was worried about you."

"I'm fine."

"You don't look fine. How much sleep have you gotten lately?"

"Enough."

"Did you tell him?"

She stared out the window.

"Sara?"

"Every time I think I can do it…maybe we shouldn't be doing this…living here…"

"That's bullshit. Tell me, which of you wants to be away from Matthew. If you were both honest, which of you would want to be away from one another?"

"You make it sound so easy."

"It's not. Being committed is not easy. It means putting your pride aside and thinking about someone else…"

"I have! He's the one that…"

"Remember the wreck? Remember the feeling you got in your gut when you saw his vehicle? Want to wait until the next time to tell him?"

It made her flinch. She had been deathly afraid the moment she saw his mangled vehicle.

"How was he this morning?"

"He's in pain….wouldn't admit it too much but he's going to be in some pain for several days. He was pretty upset when he was told he would not be able to hold Matthew."

"He said dada this morning."

Brass grinned. "Tell him. He's not sure about himself with Matthew."

Sara looked surprised. "He's good with Matthew."

"Have you told him?"

She said nothing.

"Stop punishing him," said Brass as he picked up a cup of coffee and headed back into the study before stopping.

"As for Sofia…she won't be coming back to visit him…the nurses ordered her out when he became agitated that she was there. He kept asking if you were okay…that's why the others were calling for you…you should have stopped. He could have hurt himself."

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to hurt him."

"Go see him. Let him know you're okay."

She came for a visit that afternoon leaving Matthew with one of the nurses while she sat with him. He was anxious to leave but was disappointed that he would not be released until the next day.

"Was he really upset?" Grissom asked.

"He got his point across," she said with a grin.

He returned the grin.

"He said dada," she blurted out.

His grin turned to a smile.

"I was trying to explain to him where I had been. He said dada. He kept saying it over and over. I think he misses you."

"I miss him too."

They were quiet for a moment.

"Sara…"

She got up suddenly, "I think they will let me bring him in here for just a minute…would you like to see him?"

"Yes…yes I would."

She disappeared for a few minutes but then returned holding Matthew. He squealed when he saw Grissom and held his hands out. He took him despite Sara's objections. She noticed the pain behind his eyes but he smiled at Matthew as he grasped his hands about Grissom's face and then said very loudly, "dada". Blue eyes watered as blue eyes twinkled.

"I love you Matthew."

"Dada!"

"Yes, I'm dada."

"Dada"

He chuckled.

Matthew turned and smiled at Sara. "Momma."

She grinned. "I think we can work on some more words now."

She took him despite his refusal to leave Grissom. He cried holding out his arms. She could tell it bothered him that Matthew could not stay.

"Tomorrow," she said to them. They looked at one another. Matthew began to cry. Grissom struggled with his emotions.

"Tomorrow," she said again as she walked toward the door but stopped. "Grissom? He cries for you because you're a good father," she said as she walked out.

She laid him down for his nap and headed downstairs for a glass of milk when she heard the click of the door. She stood at the bottom of the stairs and glared at him.

"What are you doing here?' she demanded.

"They let me go early," he said.

"Bullshit!"

"If Matthew blurts out that word, we'll know where he got it," he said as he stared at the steps.

"Where are your discharge papers?" she asked with arms folded.

"You did the same thing for the same reason," he shot back.

"No, I didn't. I was worried about Matthew. I wasn't sure you could take care of him. What's your excuse?"

"I missed him."

_I missed you…._

She sighed. She took the papers from him and then looked at the prescriptions.

"I got them filled," he said as a peace token.

She sighed. She headed to the kitchen and grabbed a glass pouring some juice and then another glass with milk.

"Pick your choice," she said.

He reached for the juice while she opened the prescription bottle and handed him one as he took it. She watched him as he pretended to feel fine as he slowly headed toward the stairs. She drank the milk and then followed. He made it half way when he felt her slide under his arm and helped support his weight. She forced him to go to his room, pulling back the bed covers. He sat down and watched as she knelt down and began removing his shoes.

"Sara, I can do that," he said.

"So can I," she said.

She went to the dresser and pulled out his pajamas. She came and stood in front of him. He stared at her.

"I removed these for two years…I think I can help you put them on," she said matter of fact.

He stood and she unbuttoned his shirt. He tried not to breathe in too deeply as she stood so close. The smell of her hair was intoxicating and he suddenly found himself aroused. She eased his shirt off mindful of the shoulder and the ribs and replaced it with the one. She reached for his pants and he stopped her.

"I can do this," he managed to get out.

She stepped back and he was disappointed when she left the room. He exhaled and removed his pants, dressing into the pajama bottoms. He started to sit back down on the bed when he tiptoed into Matthew's room to check on him. She lay there on her bed and listened through the monitor as she heard him in there. He returned to his room and lay down gently wincing at the pain from his shoulder and ribs. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep. She waited an hour before making her rounds to check on Matthew and then walked into his room. He appeared to be asleep as she pulled the covers up. She started to leave when she stopped to stare at him.

_I could have lost you…_

_You could have died…_

_Need to forgive…._

She walked to the other side of the bed and slipped beneath the covers. She eased over until she was up next to him. She laid her head down on his chest and kissed it gently. She missed this. She had always loved sleeping with him. She wiped her eyes quickly before any drops could dampen his shirt. She hugged herself closer to him as she felt his arm wrap around her. She stiffened but then relaxed when she realized he was still asleep. She closed her eyes and joined him.

Note from author:

You see…I told you fluff and more fluff. We'll be pulling fluff out of everything. Keep the reviews coming. I love the comments. Take care! Penny


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter Twenty Two:**

She slipped out of bed before he woke and closed his door. She then made her rounds checking on Matthew and grinned when she found Bruno stretched out in her bed. Mrs. Donner arrived and she quickly dressed for work.

"He's home," she said.

"But I thought…"

"He's stubborn," she said.

Mrs. Donner grinned, "Much like you I supposed."

"He's going to want to hold Matthew but he can't. Be a nurse today…if he gives you any…"

"Sara, don't worry. I'll make sure he rest and doesn't over do it."

She nursed Matthew and then left.

She spent the day watching the clock as she hurried through her cases. She refused to allow herself to call home, telling herself to focus on the job. She was the first to clock out as she hurried out the door. She rushed into the house to silence. She found Mrs. Donner in the study.

"Matthew took a late nap after dinner. Mr. Grissom has been in bed most of the day," she said.

"He has?"

She nodded.

"Is he okay?"

"Persons injured in car wrecks always feel worse the second or third day. Their bodies become bruised and sore. I don't think you're going to have to worry about him overdoing it."

"Has he eaten?" she asked.

"Not much. Perhaps he'll have a better appetite this evening," she said as she reached for her coat.

She fixed dinner and then set the items on a tray and carried them upstairs. She tapped on the door and noticed he was asleep. She set the tray down on the dresser and sat down on the edge of the bed. She nudged him gently.

"Hey,"

"Hey. I fixed dinner…seeing how I cook so little I thought you might want to take advantage of the hot meal," she said.

He grinned.

She waited until he sat up before placing the tray on his lap. They sat and ate together while she told him about her cases. He chuckled when she told him about David being sent to pronounce the time of death for a dummy. It made him laugh causing him to wince from the pain.

"Should have sent Doc. He hasn't been sent out on anything strange in awhile."

"I saw Warrick today," she said between bites.

"Do you miss them?"

"Sometimes. I don't really know the first shift workers…it's not the same. I do my job and leave. Grave shift…we were different. We did things together. We knew about each other's lives…all I can think about during the day is coming home. Before all I could think about is the lab."

"Home is better than the lab."

She smiled.

He finished and she picked up the tray returning it to the kitchen. She returned upstairs and found he had fallen back asleep. She pulled the covers up and then clicked off the lamp taking the book from his lap and placing it on the table. She gently removed his glasses and put them on the table as well. She stared at Bruno who lay on the other side of the bed. He got up and followed her as she went into Matthew's room and found him awake.

She carried him to her room stripping herself of her clothes as well as him and then played in the bathtub as Bruno sat and watched. Once the bath was over, they went downstairs for a few hours to play until she saw him rubbing his eyes. She sat in the nursery and nursed him. Once he was asleep, she put him to bed.

She walked into her room and smiled when she saw that Bruno was already in bed. She pulled back the covers and lay there for a moment before getting up. She opened his door slightly and checked on him. He was still asleep. She found herself curling up next to him again as she felt his arm move across her body. She kissed him lightly on the lips before slipping back down under the covers to sleep. Grissom lay there and felt her drift off to sleep. He wrapped his arm protectively around her.

_It wasn't a dream…_

_She slept with me…_

_I felt her next to me…_

She was gone when he woke. He felt the other side of the bed and it was cold. He glanced at the clock and noticed he had just missed her. He sighed. He seemed more energetic today as he showered and then dressed. He checked the nursery and found Matthew gone. He found them downstairs.

"How do you feel today?" asked Mrs. Donner.

"Better," he said as he sat down and smiled when Matthew came to him.

"dada"

He grinned.

"Good morning Matthew."

"Has he had breakfast?" he asked.

"Not yet."

"Good. It's my favorite time of the morning," he said. He started to reach for Matthew when Mrs. Donner stopped him.

"You can't lift him," she warned.

He sulked as she picked up Matthew and carried him to the kitchen.

Breakfast was finished and then Grissom spent the next couple of hours playing with him. He wiped his brow and sat down on the couch.

"I think you've overdone it," said Mrs. Donner.

"Don't tell her. Her wrath is worse than Matthew's."

It made Mrs. Donner laugh.

She found him asleep on the couch when she came home from work. She glanced at Mrs. Donner and then at Matthew.

"He overdid it didn't he?" she asked.

"He asked me not to tell," said Peggy.

"You didn't have to," she said.

By the time he woke, Matthew was in bed asleep and dinner was cold. She sat there in the chair with a book in hand.

"Matthew?"

"Asleep."

He frowned.

"I think you've played enough with him," she said.

He sat up ignoring his screaming muscles.

"Hungry?" she asked.

He nodded.

She heated up a plate and sat with him at the table while he ate.

"You look tired," he said.

"Long day," she said as she began to pick up.

"Dinner was good. You've gotten better," he said.

"I'll take that as a compliment…I think," she said as she headed up the stairs. She turned to look at him but then proceeded upstairs. She stripped of her clothes and soaked in the tub while Bruno sat there and watched. He walked past the bathroom and heard the familiar tune she used to hum while soaking. He remembered the countless times he sat sit in their bathroom with her, reading a book while she soaked.

_She would let me do her back…_

_I used to wash her hair…_

_I used to…_

He sighed.

"Grissom?"

He froze.

"Yes?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm…fine," he said.

"I think Bruno needs to go out," she said.

"Where is he?"

"In here with me."

He opened the door slightly and waited.

"He doesn't seem to want to leave….I don't blame him."

She grinned.

"Bruno, go with Grissom," she commanded.

He groaned.

Grissom chuckled.

"Fine. Don't expect me to take you out in the middle of the night," she warned.

He went to his room and turned in. He switched on the lamp and opened his book, placing his glasses on while he listened as she padded past his door and then into her room. He sighed once more when he heard her door shut. An hour passed and yet he still sat there reading. She had made several trips down the hall checking on Matthew.

"Sara?"

"Yes?"

"Is he okay?" he asked.

"He's fine."

"You've checked on him several times. Go to bed. I'll listen for him."

She nodded and then headed back to her room.

He sat there and returned to his book. He heard the click of her door as she opened it and then he was surprised when she came into his, walked to the other side of the bed and then got in. She rolled over and faced the wall. He ignored her as he continued to read. She lay there for a moment before sliding over to lay her head down on his chest. He wrapped his arm around her and kissed her lightly on the head.

"Would you like for me to read to you?" he asked.

She gulped. When her nightmares after the abduction kept her up, he would often read to her wrapping his arms protectively around her as he did now.

She nodded.

"Doubt thou the stars are fire;

Doubt that the sun doth move;

Doubt truth to be a liar'

But never doubt I love."

(Hamlet 2.2 123-6)

"I don't remember that passage in this book," she said.

"It's not. I just thought it fit the moment."

He set the book down and laid his glasses on top of it. He switched off the lamp and pulled her close.

"Night, Sara."

"Night, Grissom."

Note from author:

I'm all mushy…one of you said you needed mush….that's mush! Please continue with the reviews. Take care! Penny


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter Twenty Three:**

She was exhausted when she arrived home. She noticed that Mrs. Donner was no longer there. Grissom and Matthew sat in the porch swing and waved.

"Long day?" he asked.

She leaned against the railing.

"Several bodies were dumped in the desert and set on fire along with two cars…worked on the case all day."

"You've been in the desert all day?" he asked.

She nodded.

They sat down to dinner and he watched as she coughed from time to time. She caught him staring at her.

"Matthew and I went into town today….Mrs. Donner took us so we could run an errand."

"An errand?" she asked.

"Need to replace my car soon," he said.

He watched as she picked up the dishes and then took them to the kitchen. He waited until she glanced out the window. He smiled when he saw her stare out into the field. She turned and smiled.

"I didn't like the view," he said. "We fixed it."

He watched as she picked up Matthew and then headed out the door shutting it behind her. He followed. She walked to the top of the hill and stared at the flowers that had been planted. She turned and looked at them.

"All day?" she asked.

"Pretty much except for a nap or two," he said.

"It's beautiful," she said.

"Mrs. Donner helped….so much better than seeing that mound of dirt that was a constant reminder of what we almost lost."

She hugged Matthew tight, nodding as she turned away to hide the tears.

She turned in early that night coughing from time to time. He rolled over and stared at her.

"Sara..."

"It's just the smoke…it was pretty thick…sand dust didn't help much. I think I swallowed a gallon when I was out there under that car."

"Used the inhaler?"

She shook her head.

He got up and returned with it. She breathed in deeply.

"Better?"

She nodded even though there was little help.

She snuggled up closer and was asleep in minutes. She woke the next morning and headed downstairs. She poured a glass of juice and then headed to the study. She pulled out the ledger and then glanced at the stack of bills no longer there. She went through the columns and then opened her checkbook. She fumed.

He stood there with coffee in hand when she came into the kitchen.

"You've been in my desk," she said.

"Yes, I have."

"Why?"

"I was bored. I would have done my own paperwork if I had it. I saw that the bills needed to be paid so I did it for you," he said as he sipped on the coffee.

"Yes but you didn't use my checkbook."

"No, I used mine. You don't expect me to just live here and not pay anything."

"You paid everything."

"I paid what was due."

"Just like last time…it was your house, your bills, your…" she stopped herself.

"The townhouse was ours. I never referred to it as mine."

"No, you didn't," she said biting her lower lip.

"Sara, we never discussed any of that before. I continued to pay the house bills since I had always done that. As I recall, you paid all the groceries or other expenses…it never mattered to me."

"That's because we never discussed it."

"Okay, would you like to discuss it now?"

"No."

"Sara, pride…"

"It's not pride."

"Then what is it?"

"I don't need anyone taking care of me."

"Guilty as charged. I'll always be guilty of that… You've been paying the bills by yourself long enough."

"They're my bills."

"What kind of arrangement do we have here?"

"Equal…" she stopped.

She wanted to swipe the grin off his face. Instead, she turned and poured herself a glass of milk.

"What else did you not like?" he asked staring at her over his cup as he drank.

"Waiting."

"Waiting?"

"I always waited for you. I waited in San Francisco for you to invite me to come to Las Vegas. I waited each day for

you to notice me… some days you did and didn't. I waited for you to see how much I loved you. I waited for you to let

me love you. I waited when you pushed me away…"

"I understand," he finally said. He hesitated for a moment for asking, "What else?"

"You take more than you give."

He didn't want her to elaborate but she did.

"The first time we began our relationship, you decided when and where…showing up at odd hours to my apartment

and then leaving. I let you know if I was going to be late or needed to change plans but you never did. I planned my

life around you and you planned your life around the lab. I did very little without checking with you…you planned a two

month sabbatical without consulting me. You spent the night with Heather and never bothered to call me…I think

we've already been over this part."

"Point taken," he said quietly.

He stared at the floor.

"I'm afraid to ask if there is anything more," he said.

"You waited seven years before having a relationship with me. I guess you could say that goes back to the waiting."

"I wanted you to be sure…I was always afraid you would realize I was too old for you."

She set the glass down firmly on the counter and it echoed.

"You wanted me to be sure? Hell, Grissom if someone is willing to put up with the crap you've done, I think I know what I'm getting myself into!"

"Ignorance can be bliss sometimes," he managed to get out.

Her anger grew.

He decided he was ready to end the conversation but she wasn't through.

"You cheated! My father cheated on my mother. My mother and father fought all the time."

It was his turn this time. He set the cup down forcibly.

"Yes, I cheated. I cheated after you let me believe that you loved me enough to accept my marriage proposal only to

leave. I cheated after you spent nine years pushing me into talking…sharing with the only person I've ever loved and

then not giving me the chance to help you. How the hell do you think that made me feel? How do you think I felt when

a day, a week, a month went by and you didn't come back without even a call? How the hell do you think I felt when I

was five years old and I begged my father not to leave and he promised he would come back for me and he didn't? I

waited and waited…I worshipped the man…he was the most intelligent man I've ever known and he leaves me…I

swore I would never let anyone get close to me again. I would never love anyone like that again but I did….you…I love

you that much and then you left and I hated…" he stopped and stepped back.

"You hated me for leaving you," she finished.

His hand shot up to cover his mouth.

They both knew now.

"I hated you Sara. No one besides my father has ever hurt me the way you did. I worshipped you both. Why did you

do that? Why couldn't you let me try to help you? I would have tried. I would have done anything for you. I didn't

understand…I don't understand now…how could you do that?" he sobbed as he braced himself against the counter.

She stood there across from him, feeling the need to brace herself.

"I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't pretend that you loved me. I loved you. I loved you the moment I walked into that

lecture hall and saw you. I wanted you to love me but I never felt you did. I've never felt loved. My parents never

uttered those words to me. Neither did you. I've spent my whole life wanting and needing to be loved. It's all I've ever

wanted. I pursued you until finally we were together and then you proposed and I said yes. The whole time I said to

myself, you were just settling for me. It took you all that time and yet you waste very little time with Sofia. When Sofia

told me you had sex with her, it just reaffirmed what I had been telling myself. You were just with me until something

better came along."

"I never had sex with her!" he yelled "Something better? You were the best…you were the only person I've ever

loved…I'm ever going to love….Something better? Sofia was not that! Sara…half a bottle of scotch and I had no idea…

no that's not true. I won't lie. It helped numb the pain of what I was doing. I passed out at her place and slept there…

nothing more. Yes, I kissed her and yes I held her but I never…I hurt and I did it telling myself you were going to be

just like my father and I would never see you again. That night I came here and I saw Brad holding your hand, I hated

you Sara."

"I know. I felt it," she said wiping her eyes.

They both welcomed the silence.

Note from author:

All I can say is….wow…when they finally go head to head it's…I was sad for them both but as you can see there is a light at the end of the tunnel (and no it's not a train as someone feared!) . Give me the reviews quickly. The next chapter is something good…take care! Penny


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter Twenty Four:**

"Gil?"

The use of his first name made him look at her.

"After everything that you did or didn't do, I didn't hate you. I've always thought of you as the most perfect man I've ever known…quirks and all…I loved all of you…I accepted your faults… I just hated myself for not being enough."

"You've always been enough. You're all I've ever wanted. Just you. Always you."

They looked outside when Mrs. Donner drove up. Sara wiped at her face.

"I guess it's time for work," she said.

"Sara, don't go. Not like this. Please," he begged.

She left him standing there. He turned away and stared up at the field. The flowers spread across the top of the hill in various shapes and colors. It was beautiful. He shook his head as he tried to imagine his life without Sara and Matthew. They were everything he ever wanted or ever dreamed. He was surprised when he felt her arms wrap around him. She placed her cheek against his back.

"Go for a drive with me," she said.

"Drive?"

"I told Mrs. Donner we'd return this evening," she said. "Please."

She drove as he looked at her from time to time. Little was said between them as she approached Las Vegas. He wasn't sure why she wanted him to go to the lab with her but he sat there and did not object. She turned off the familiar route and then he realized she was headed to the townhouse. She pulled out her key and stared at it.

"Most women admire jewelry they receive. I admired this key. Whenever I had a shitty day at work, I would reach into my pocket and caress this key. It let me know that I had more than just my job here. I had you."

She stepped out of the vehicle before he could say anything and unlocked the door. He shut it behind her as she headed to their bedroom. She stood there and stared at the bed.

"Sara?"

"Matthew was conceived here. I didn't know it or I never would have left. I never would have…Gil, I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry…so sorry," she sobbed.

He grabbed her pulling her tight against his chest. "It's not your fault," he choked. "It's not your fault."

"Grissom?"

"Yes," he whispered.

"I …love you…always have…always will…even when I found out about Sofia…I never stopped loving you. That's why it hurts so much…knowing that you have so much control over me," she choked out.

"I'm so sorry Sara. If I could do it over…"

"Stop," she whispered.

He wiped at her tears as she wiped at his. "Let me love you Sara. Let me show you how much I love you."

He kissed the wetness from her cheeks until his lips found hers. She felt her lips parting as she let him deepen the kiss. She closed her eyes letting her body feel what it had been longing to feel for weeks. She helped him undress, unbuttoning the shirt and then removing his pants as he struggled with removing hers. Her fingers traced the bruises on his chest and she kissed them one by one. Her hand slipped down past his midsection and his eyes grew deep with desire as he moved her back toward the bed. He ignored the pain as he entered her, setting up a rhythm she soon followed. He felt her muscles tighten as she climaxed and he let himself follow.

He pulled her close not wanting to break the contact. "Sara, I've always loved you…even when I didn't say it."

"I just wanted you to tell me."

He sighed. "I'm sorry. I will."

She began to cry suddenly and it frightened him. "Sara?"

"I'm scared Grissom."

"Why?"

"Because you can hurt me but I can't stop loving you. Sometimes I feel like I'm being consumed by you."

"Listen to me. I feel the same way but I know now that you're not going to hurt me. Are you?"

"No."

"Sara, I'm not going to hurt you again. I promise. Do you believe me?"

She was quiet.

"Sara?"

Her hurt was much deeper. He watched as she struggled to trust him once again causing the tears to flow freely.

"It will come in time. We have time."

They spent the evening in bed curled up next to one another. She dozed a few times while he kept watch over her. It had been an exhausting morning but so much had been gained and yet he worried about them. He remembered her desperation those last few days before she left. He had not understood but he did now.

_She was right….._

_I wouldn't listen…_

_I saw that she was struggling with the job…._

_With us…_

_And yet I didn't help her…_

_I just expected she would pull herself up…_

_Like she always did…._

_I didn't even begin to worry until it was too late…_

The week flew by and he found himself back at work. They had spent one morning car shopping and chosen a safe model based on child safety features. They began to spend more time outdoors as the weather was better. She sat there on the blanket in the study and watched as Matthew fell asleep. She did not have the heart to move him so she left him lying there while she cleaned around the house.

She picked up the basket of clothing and headed up the stairs, putting the clothes away. She heard the front door open and then he called for her. She came to stand at the top of the stairs and she covered her mouth as they both saw Matthew standing midway on the stairs. He read the fear in her eyes as he slowly walked toward Matthew. She did the same. He smiled and waved at them letting go of the wall and he teetered on the edge of a step.

"Grissom!" she yelled as she ran down the steps. He rushed up to grab Matthew just as he fell catching him in midair as he squealed with delight. She sat down on the step and willed herself to breathe.

"He's fine, Sara" he said holding the baby.

She sat there with white knuckles as she fathomed what had just been avoided.

"Sara?"

"He was asleep on the blanket…I left him…I thought it was okay. I never thought he would…"

"Sara, he's fine. He's going to get bumps or scrapes or injuries. He's a boy."

She continued to sit there.

He placed Matthew in her arms and sat there beside her.

"Did you see what he did? He made it up these steps without crawling…he walked Sara….not crawled…he walked."

He grinned at her. They carried him downstairs and placed him on the floor. Matthew stood and smiled at them before stepping forward. He grinned and then took another step. Grissom counted each one as Sara watched. He clapped and hugged Matthew with his accomplishment. Sara stared not saying a word.

"I never walked at nine months," said Grissom "Did you?"

She shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know much about my life as a baby. I guess it wasn't important enough to record."

He watched as she walked back up the stairs leaving them there. She was quiet during the rest of the evening. He stole glances when he was sure she was too busy with Matthew. He snuck upstairs and found she had already recorded the newest information into Matthew's book. He started to put the book back when he noticed the new birth certificate was at the front of the book. He flipped through the baby book and there was no mention of "Matthew Sidle." She had purchased a new baby book correcting the baby's name.

_He'll never know…_

_Unless we tell him…_

He lay there that night and watched as she pretended to sleep. He rolled over to spoon his body up next to hers. He slid his hand down her arm and she felt chilled.

"You're quiet. What's wrong?" he whispered.

"Nothing," she said as she placed her hand in his.

"Are you still upset about this evening? Sara, I'm surprised it hasn't happened with me. I've left him there before especially when he was teething. I just thought it was best to leave him where he passed out."

She said nothing.

"Are you upset that it happened to you?"

She said nothing.

"What if it had happened to me? What if he'd been hurt? Would you have been mad at me?"

"No."

"So, it's okay for him to get hurt on my watch but not yours?"

She said nothing.

"He's going to get hurt some day."

"I know," she sniffled.

He grinned kissing her temple.

"Do you remember when Greg was beaten?"

She nodded.

"He was afraid to call his parents and let them know he was in the hospital because he had never told his parents that he was now working in the field."

"Why not?"

"His mother wanted more than one child but she only had Greg so she refused to let him play sports or do anything dangerous. She wanted to keep him safe. He was still hurt…Sara, you can't protect him from the world."

"I know that…Natalie took him right out from under me…not once but twice…"

"Sara, bad things happen but you can't let it stop you from living your life. You can't put Matthew in a bubble for the rest of his life so he doesn't get hurt. He's going to…"

"You didn't see him in the incubator fighting for each breath. He was so tiny…the needles and the bandages were larger than his limbs…I didn't want to leave him because I was afraid he would die before I came back. All the other mothers got to hold theirs immediately but I didn't get to hold him until he was four weeks old," she said as he wiped each tear that dropped.

"I wish I had been there with you," he said.

"Me too," she whispered.

He hugged her tighter.

"I could be there with you the next time," he said.

"Next time?"

"If you wanted to have another…"

"No."

He froze.

"Why not?"

"I almost lost him. I wouldn't want to go through that again."

"The circumstances are different. You were not prepared for the first pregnancy. We could be this time. You wouldn't be alone."

"No."

"Sara…"

She rolled to face him now. "Aren't we enough?"

He smiled. "Yes, you are."

He pulled her up close and rubbed her back until he felt the tension leave.

"Sara?"

"hmm?"

"I love you."

She pulled him down and kissed him letting her fingers slide gently through his beard. He pulled himself on top of her and stared into her brown eyes. His mouth closed on hers and she felt him deepen the kiss. His tongue darted in and out and she found herself pleading for him to make love to her. He entered her slowly making use of the tension he had built to force her to initiate the contact. Once they were spent, she rolled over and curled up next to him. He chuckled when she was asleep within minutes.

He sent her flowers the next day at work. She had just returned from the field when Judy called out for her. She came and stood at the desk.

"They're yours," smiled Judy as she pointed at the flowers.

It surprised Sara.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Delivery guy said it was for you…I didn't bother to look at the card but if you…"

"No! That's okay," she said pulling out the card and then smiling.

She started to pick up the vase of flowers when Nick arrived.

"Someone got flowers," said Nick. "I'm telling Grissom."

She smiled, "He sent them."

"Our Grissom?" teased Nick.

"The one and the same," she said.

"You look good these days," he said.

"Thanks," she said. "What are you doing here so early?"

"I came to see you," he said. "I've missed you."

"Dinner?" she asked.

"Only if I can invite a few people," he said.

"Oh okay," she said. She grinned when she saw Warrick, Catherine and Greg standing there.

They sat at the diner and placed their orders.

"You know all we need is Brass and Grissom and we would have everyone from grave shift…."

"They're on their way…they got tied up in an interrogation," said Warrick.

"So how are things with you and…"

"Is someone about to say my name?" asked Grissom as he slid in beside her. Brass walked up and shoved Greg over.

"Thanks for keeping my spot warm for me Greg. That was so kind of you," said Brass.

"You know that could be construed as police brutality," he muttered.

"Is that a complaint?" asked Brass.

"Do you have your gun with you?" asked Greg.

Brass flashed his weapon.

"Of course not," said Greg.

The guys chuckled.

Sara frowned. "Jim, you shouldn't pick on him so much. He has to put up with Ronnie…"

"She quit," said Grissom.

"Ronnie quit?"

"She went to work in a smaller lab with a lower crime rate," said Grissom.

"Can't blame her," said Sara.

"She might be back," said Greg. "You came back."

Sara glanced at Grissom and took a bite of her sandwich.

_There's a pain in my sawdust…_

Sara coughed as she took a sip of water.

Note from author:

Well...here is where I tell you to pay attention to detail...there will be hints along the way. Keep the reviews coming! Take care!

Penny


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter Twenty Five:**

Heads went up when Sofia and another officer came into the diner. Sara pretended not to notice her entrance. She felt Grissom's arm slide about her shoulder. He had never done than that while they were with the others. Brass quickly began talking about Matthew and then the others joined in as Sara continued to eat her meal. She picked up her glass of water and her eyes met Sofia's. She sat in a booth not far away. Her laughter along with the subtle flirtatious movements toward the officer was set on display for them. Brass grinned.

"Someone should tell her he's married," said Nick.

"Relationships were never something she honored," said Brass.

Sara glanced at her watch. "I need to get back," she said.

Grissom stood and walked her out.

"Sara…"

"It's fine. We're going to come in contact with one another..."

He pulled her into an embrace not caring who was watching. "Did you get the flowers?"

She smiled. "Yes, I did."

"Good. Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

She grinned before kissing him softly on the lips. She started to pull away when he deepened the kiss. She let him knowing he had never initiated anything like this before. He slowly released her but stopped and leaned in. "They're watching aren't they?"

"Yep," she said grinning.

"Good," he said flashing his boyish grin as he turned and went back inside.

Sara sighed as she stretched. She had been working at the site for the last three hours and wondered if she would be faced with a double shift. She bent to pick up a bag of evidence she dropped and stood to come face to face with Sofia.

"How are you?" she asked.

"Good," she said as she stepped to the side and continued toward the Denali.

"Sara, you got a minute?" she asked.

She turned and looked at her.

"I wanted to apologize for the way I treated you in Gil's office that day. I just didn't want him to be hurt again."

She nodded.

"So…how's Matthew? I hear Grissom…"

"He's fine," said Sara.

"I know we're going to be running into one another from time to time…I'm just trying to smooth things over," she said.

"Don't. I like it the way it is. Let's get something straight. Grissom has been hurt enough. I know I hurt him when I left. I have to live with that for the rest of my life but you…you have so much more hanging over your head. You deliberately did not tell anyone about Natalie…yes, I heard. What were you hoping? That she would finish the job? She almost did when she took our son…our son! Mine and Grissom's. Don't you ever think that you can do anything to Grissom or my son and not expect to have to deal with me. You're nothing compared to Natalie!"

Sara took a step toward Sofia and she stepped back. It made Sara smile.

"You should be afraid of me. Oh, sleeping with Grissom and having sex with him are two different things. Grissom would never have sex with you…of course he's never had sex with me either…it's love…something you'll never have from Grissom."

Sofia's face turned red as if she had just received a slap. Sara walked over and returned to work not bothering to hide the grin that spread across her face into a smile.

Catherine came to stand near Sofia.

"Can you believe how quickly she has managed to fit herself back into his life?" asked Catherine.

Sofia stared at her.

"I thought you liked Sara."

"I do just not with Gil. She has too many issues. I had hoped we had seen the last of her when she left but then she shows back up and it starts back all over again."

"How is he?" she asked.

"Falling all over her again," said Catherine. "Between you and me, if it were not for Matthew, I don't think he would have gone back to her…I mean seven years she chased him. I think he just got tired."

"I agree."

"I just wished she had stayed away from him. You know when she left, I went through his mail and his phone trying to make sure she wasn't trying to contact him."

Sofia smiled. "Me too."

"At least Grissom had some time away from her. Good thing she never tried to call or send him anything…"

"She did but I intercepted them."

"You mean she sent Grissom letters?"

"Several but I took them. I intercepted the phone messages also. She was pretty persistent there for awhile. He didn't need the stress."

"How many letters?"

"I don't recall. I kept them and then sent the letters and the phone messages back to her with a note signed by Grissom."

"Signed by Grissom?"

"You know how he is during an experiment…shove anything in his direction and smile….he'll sign it."

"I see," said Catherine.

"I thought we had seen the last of Sara until the kidnapping. I mean why couldn't Natalie have taken Sara?"

Catherine stared at Sofia.

"She took Matthew instead."

"You know I don't think she's mentally stable…I mean she began humming that damn rhyme right after…"

"And you wouldn't be after you thought your child had been killed?"

Sofia suddenly glanced at Catherine.

"It's just that…"

"I suspected that you might have been involved but I never thought your hatred was this deep. What did Sara ever do to you?"

"Grissom. He deserves better."

"And you think you're better?"

"Yes. She's never been stable…just look at her past…you do know about her past?"

"Past?"

"Her mother killed her father in a domestic violence dispute…Sara is a product of the foster care system….no telling what she's capable of."

"Like you?"

Sofia became uncomfortable. "Look, I just mean…"

"You know Grissom had the letters analyzed for fingerprints…he wanted to know who would do such a thing. I know the answer to that question now."

"I was only trying to protect him."

"Stay away from them," glared Catherine. She turned to walk away but stopped. "I have every intention of telling Grissom. I also plan to file a complaint about what you did."

Sofia fumed. "Just wait. You'll see. She'll hurt him again."

"You were the only person who hurt him. If you hadn't intercepted those letters they would have been back together in just months. Grissom missed his child's first six months. Sara went through a hellish pregnancy by herself. You…you're worse than Natalie."

Sara stood and watched the exchange from a distance. She had not known Catherine and Sofia to have words. She went into a fit of coughing before grabbing some water and returning to work.

She was surprised when he arrived on the scene. He went straight to Catherine and they spoke in hushed tones as Catherine relayed some information. She turned away not wanting to be a part of the conversation. It was his raised voice that made her turn around. He was now confronting Sofia about something and suddenly she was retreating. She watched as Grissom ran his hands through his hair. He turned and their eyes met.

He was furious. His eyes softened when he saw her. She quietly mouthed "you okay?" and he nodded. She smiled slightly before returning to work.

He left as quickly as he arrived and she refused to listen to the sudden whispers around the crime scene as Sofia also left with Brass. Catherine came to stand next to her.

"Sara?"

"Hmmm?"

"Sofia intercepted the letters and the phone messages. She admitted it to me just a few minutes ago. I kind of tricked her into thinking I didn't like you and Grissom together."

"She took them?" she asked.

"Yes, she did. I'm going to file a complaint. Brass is already taking her downtown to discuss it with personnel. She'll be reprimanded…I'm sure they won't fire her for it but at least you both know the truth now."

"I blamed him," she said "But when he continued to deny it, I just let it go. I never should have questioned him. I know it hurt him just like my leaving."

"Sara, he loves you. He's always loved you."

"Is he okay?" she asked.

"He blames himself. He feels guilty for being duped."

"So was I," she said quickly.

"You going to be okay?" she asked.

"Yes. I'm fine…I'm pissed…but I'm fine."

"If you ever need to talk you know…"

"Yes, I do. Thanks, Catherine."

"Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"I've always thought you two belonged together."

She smiled.

She returned to a coughing fit once Catherine left. She felt her phone go off and she smiled when she noticed he had texted a message. She returned the text.

"Love you too," she said swiping at her eyes.

note from author:

Okay so now you know as most of you guessed who intercepted the phone messages and the letters. Poor Grissom..more guilt. Leave the review. It's going to get very mushy...fluff and mush warning...try not to smother... Take care! Penny


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter Twenty Six:**

She wasn't prepared for the phone call from Mrs. Donner.

"Sara?"

"What's wrong?"

"He's running a bit of a temperature."

She breathed in deeply.

"He was a little fussy last night but I thought it was because of his earache. His nose was a little runny this morning," said Sara.

"He's come down with a cough and there's a little wheezing…"

"I'm coming home," she said quickly.

"Sara…don't worry," she said.

"I can't help but worry," she said as she hung up the phone.

She grabbed her phone as she was leaving the site. She cursed when his phone rolled over to voicemail. She then called Brass.

"Jim?"

"Hey, what's up?"

"It's Matthew. He's sick. I'm leaving for home. I've tried to call Grissom but it's rolling over to voicemail."

"Sara, wait. He's on the line with someone else…I'll get him."

She was already in the vehicle when she reached him.

"What's wrong with Matthew?" he asked nervously.

"Mrs. Donner called and said he's running a temp."

"It could be just an ear infection…"

"It could be something worse," she said.

"What?"

"Another upper respiratory infection…I'm going to take him in as soon as I get home."

"I'm coming home too," he said.

"I won't know anything for hours…it may be nothing…"

"Sara, I'm coming home."

She let out a breath, "Good."

He grinned. "I'll be home soon, honey. Keep me posted."

They took turns holding him in the doctor's office as he slept. He had eaten very little in the last eight hours and had little or no energy. They were relieved when they were called back into a room. She held him as the pediatrician examined him.

"Sara, you did the right thing getting him in here so quickly."

"It's not just an ear infection is it?" she said quietly.

"We'll test a sample of the nasal mucous but it appears he has RSV respiratory syncytial virus."

She held him tighter.

"We've been fortunate in that he's gone quite a while without getting sick…we're going to admit him…"

"Admit him?" asked Grissom suddenly.

"We'll need to monitor him…he's having a little trouble breathing…if it worsens we'll help him by putting him on a respirator…."

"Respirator?" said Grissom loudly.

Sara held Grissom's hand.

"Let's get him admitted first," she said.

He walked through the motions with her as they went through the endless faces until he was lying in a bed and a paper name tag recorded his name. Grissom stared at it then at the bed with Matthew in it. He watched as she filled out paperwork and then talked with nurses and then another physician and then sat down by Matthew's side when he began to stir. He took in a deep breath telling himself he was prepared for this part of fatherhood. He glanced back at Matthew and felt the panic begin to rise.

She lifted him, speaking softly to him as she brought him to the rocker and then sat down with him. She hummed softly to him while trying to get him to nurse. He refused. She was determined. She repositioned him and rocked him for a little while and then tried him on the other breast and he latched on. She was pleased when he nursed for a few minutes before letting go. He became fussy and she whispered softly to him.

"Momma, hurt."

"Momma knows."

"Momma hurt."

"Momma loves you Matthew."

"Dada?"

"Daddy is here Matthew," said Grissom as he held his small hand.

"Dada hurt."

"Daddy knows."

He wheezed and closed his eyes.

Sara patted his back and rocked him.

Grissom stepped outside the room and gulped in air. He looked over and Brass was standing there.

"You okay?"

"I don't know how she did it all those months…I don't know…" He closed his eyes and sighed.

"How is he?" he asked handing him a cup of coffee.

"He's having trouble breathing…you know we couldn't wait until he could say something other than momma or dada…he's picked up quite a few words since then." He smiled but it soon faded, "He tells us he hurts. He looks at us and tells us he hurts and we can't do anything about it."

"How's Sara?"

"Sara…Sara's incredible…she hasn't stopped since the moment we came home. She knows exactly what to do…how to comfort him…how to get him to take his medicine…how to make him smile or grin or giggle…she gets him to eat…to nurse…she's rocking him right now and explaining everything to him…I'm not sure he understands but I do…she was born to be a mother…I never knew that about her until now…she doesn't shy away from any of it…me…I'm not sure I could have stood here months ago and watched him with a respirator…I'm not.."

"The hell you wouldn't…he's your son….you would have been there right along with Sara. Don't sell yourself short," said Brass.

He nodded.

He stepped back in and saw that he had fallen asleep and was back in his bed.

"You okay?" she asked.

"Brass was here," he said softly.

She nodded.

"How is he?" he asked.

"He seems to be sleeping better," she said. She stretched.

"Why don't you try to get some sleep? I'll wake you if anything happens." She nodded and slipped down in a chair near the bed. She reclined it and closed her eyes. He reached over and found a blanket in one of the chairs and placed it over her. He knew that she was not asleep as she lay there. An hour later she was jumping up as she heard his labored breathing.

"It's getting worse. Isn't it?" he asked.

"He's having trouble breathing," she said letting the fear slip into her voice now.

She buzzed the nurse and she came in quickly.

"You need to call the doctor…he's having trouble breathing," she said as she held him.

She disappeared immediately.

Sara stood and rocked him in her arms.

Minutes passed as nurses began to file in along with a physician. He took the baby from Sara and placed him in the bed while he listened to his lungs. He glanced at Sara and then Grissom.

"Sara, the virus has led to pneumonia. We're going to put him on a respirator to help him breathe…you've been through this before…do you have any questions?"

She shook her head slowly. Thousands of questions flooded Grissom's brain but he remained silent as he followed Sara's cue. The room was changed to intensive care unit and he stood there and read the restrictions.

"They're not going to let us stay with him," he complained.

She slipped her hand into his.

"What happens when he wakes up and sees that we're not there?" he asked raking his hand through his hair.

"He'll cry," she said.

"They can't let him cry…he's sick!" he said.

"They won't let him cry…Gil, they'll come and get us. We'll take turns sitting with him," she said.

He nodded still staring at the locked entrance.

He glanced at her. "I don't like this."

"Neither did I…just take a deep breath…tell yourself to breathe," she whispered as she folded herself into his arms.

"Just breathe," he whispered. "Sara…"

"When you go in there, you play with him just as you would when we're at home…keep the routine…don't let him sense you're upset or worried…"

"I'm worried," he said.

"Me too," she said.

She watched him pace until she grew tired pulling him down beside her. He kept his eyes fixed on the entrance as they sat there hand in hand.

"Gil?"

He turned to look at her.

"I'm sorry, I didn't believe you…about the letters," she said.

"It was my fault. I should have been more careful. She placed that letter right in front of my eyes and I signed it. I signed away all those months…all the moments with you and Matthew. I never should have done that."

"You trusted her. Gil, it wasn't your fault."

He said nothing but leaned back and closed his eyes.

"Tired?" she asked.

"Scared. Sara, I'm so scared." He gripped her hand tighter.

"He's strong," she whispered.

"Like you."

"I'm not as strong as you think," she admitted.

"You're the strongest person I know."

"I don't feel strong right now," she said sniffling.

He wrapped his arms tightly around her. "I'm here this time," he said softly. "I'm here Sara."

She let herself lean on him as he kissed her tenderly on the forehead.


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter Twenty Seven:**

He stood back and stared at Matthew. He felt the lump in his throat the moment he saw him but he took his hand into his and began to talk with him. He rubbed the bottom of his foot and he half smiled. Grissom leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. His skin was not as hot as before and he prayed that it meant he was getting better. They let her come in with him and she stood there watching him interact with Matthew.

He stepped back and she then came to stand next to the bed and she whispered softly to him as she began to hum. Her hands caressed his chest and she kissed him gently on each hand and foot. When they saw that he was sleeping peacefully, they stepped back into the waiting area. He slumped down into the seat not breaking contact with her hand. She sat down beside him and he pulled her into an embrace.

He swiped at his eyes and she kissed the palm of his hand.

"Still breathing?" she asked.

He nodded.

The hours stretched into days and the respirator disappeared. He was returned to a private room followed by his own nursery. She sat there with him in the rocker and just as he drifted off to sleep she kissed him gently on the cheek before placing him in his crib. She tiptoed out of the room and went downstairs to find him at the desk paying bills.

She stopped and looked at him.

"You were busy," he said.

She came and sat down in the chair across from him.

"Used both check books?" she asked.

"Sara, I can't forge your name…."

"No but…"

"It would be easier if we had a joint account," he said peering over his glasses.

She looked at him.

"You know most couples have those…along with the dog, the child, the house…wedding rings," he glanced at her.

She kept her eyes on him as he removed his glasses.

"You know, one time I asked you and you said yes. You didn't a few months ago…what if I asked again?"

She stood and she saw the disappointment in his eyes.

"You haven't asked me…have you?" she said with a grin.

He stared as she sauntered out of the room and he told himself to breathe as he ran after her. She stood in the kitchen with a glass in her hand. She smiled when she felt his arms enclose around her.

"So when I ask again, I'm to understand there will be a yes this time?" he asked. He held his breath as she replied.

"That's a fair assumption," she said.

He turned her around and she laughed at his boyish grin.

"I've got to come up with a better way this time," he said.

"Preferably one that does not require bee suits," she said.

He grinned again as he kissed her fully on the lips.

The birthday notices were dropped into the appropriate mail slots. She sat there in his office and reviewed the latest pictures she had gotten developed. He came and sat down beside her.

"Are you keeping track of who's coming?" he asked.

"Not really…you and Brass are going to grill…I imagine the entire fire department will make an appearance," she said with a grin.

The birthday came and went and more information was added to the baby book. The party had consisted of everyone from grave yard and the fire department did not have to make an appearance although an apron was scorched and he still nursed a burned thumb.

"Sara, don't forget Mrs. Donner is going to stay over this evening so we can go to dinner," he said.

"Oh yes…I almost forgot…we're going to that hamburger joint near the house…right?" she teased.

He frowned. "You don't think I have it in me do you?" he asked.

"What?"

"Being romantic…just wait," he said.

She leaned over and kissed him before heading out the door.

He pulled out the engagement ring and smiled.

_She never wore this last time…_

_I got ahead of myself and asked before getting the ring…_

_This time I'll get it right…_

_This time she'll marry me…_

_This time…_

He put the ring back into the box and placed it in his pocket. He hurried out the door intending to make it home before she did. He had purposely taken the night off but came in to finish a few things. He checked his watch and knew his plan was already in motion. When he arrived Mrs. Donner's car was not in sight. He knew that she was now at her home. He opened the door and smiled.

She thought it was strange when she drove up and saw that Mrs. Donner was not there. She opened the front door and stopped suddenly when she noticed the bouquet of flowers positioned around the house. She went to the first vase and looked at the card.

_Sara,_

_A bouquet of flowers for every year I've known you_

_Love,_

_Gil_

She walked around and counted nine. She smiled.

_Should be ten…_

She then noticed the candles positioned on every step leading to their bedroom.

She followed them and found the tenth vase sitting in their room. She pulled the card and smiled.

_Sara,_

_Thank you for teaching me to breathe again,_

_Love Gil_

She smiled at the rose petals that lay on the bed. A beautiful silk gown lay there as well. The candles led to the bathroom and she grinned when she saw a note sitting on the bath towel.

_Sara,_

_A nice bath to soak in while you wait for dinner. You'll look lovely in the gown._

_Love, Gil._

She stripped off her clothing and stepped into the bath. She leaned back and the aroma of lavender floated in the air. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the soak. A soft tap at the door made her open her eyes and she grinned to find him standing there in a black tux.

Her grin spread across her face as it matched his.

"I think I'm a little underdressed at the moment," she said.

"Less to take off," he teased as he leaned down and kissed her.

"Where's our son?" she asked.

"He's fine…he'll be home soon," he said.

He turned to leave but stopped. "Don't forget to wear the gown."

She stared at him as he left.

She quickly got out and dressed, taking the time to do her makeup but letting her hair remain wavy.

As she made her way downstairs, she saw that the dining room had now been set for two and he stood there pouring two glasses of wine.

She grinned at him. "You cooked?"

"I had it catered…I hope you don't mind if we stay here…just the two of us?" he asked.

Her grin spread across her face and he returned the smile.

It was delicious. She wondered how he had managed to have it delivered so secretively and without a sound while she soaked in the tub. He was proving to be quite the romantic as well as the magician.

Once dinner was done, as if on cue, soft music began to play and he extended his hand to her.

"You've never danced with me before. In fact, I've never seen you dance," she said.

"You've been smart to avoid the policemen's ball…I've learned a few steps over the years," he said.

He whirled her around as they danced from the dining room to the study. She whirled around once more and happened to see a pallet made in front of the fireplace. She smiled when she noticed the same rose petals that lay there. She glanced at him and he grinned.

"Always be prepared," he said softly in her ear.

When the music stopped, they were standing near the stairs.

She glanced upstairs and then at the study.

"I had planned upstairs first," he said.

"First?"

He kissed the palm of her hand and led her upstairs. She glanced down at the candles that burned.

"Gil, the candles…"

"We have fire insurance," he said with a smile.

She frowned and he chuckled.

He took his time removing the gown followed by the matching panties and bra. He let her stretch out across the bed as he undressed. He joined her in the bed and she gasped when he began his assault. Within minutes she was writhing with desire and she begged him to enter her but he grinned and whispered that the night was young. She refused to take no and found her body bucking toward his until he plunged deeply sending her into an early climax. She felt him build up the momentum and she found herself climaxing again with him.

She smiled.

"Hhmm…what else do you have in store…"

He glanced at his watch and then he was pulling her up out of the bed.

"Get dressed," he said.

She reached for the gown but he stopped her.

"Dress casual…you'll be more comfortable," he said.

She threw on some jeans along with a light blouse and had just slipped on her shoes when he was pulling her down the steps.

"Where are we going?" she asked as they headed out the door.

"You'll see," he said as they began walking through the field. She smiled when she noticed yet another pallet made near the flowers he had planted. He stood for a moment and stared down at the house and then pulled her down on the pallet.

"What were you doing?" she asked.

"Making sure the pallet was positioned in just the right position of the house," he said.

He lay down beside her and kissed her fully on the lips.

She grinned.

"Are we getting near the end of the evening?" she asked.

"Not quite," he said.

He pulled her down so they were staring up at the stars.

"This is nice," she said.

"You know the first time I saw you…I could swear I heard fireworks exploding. I know it sounds corny but I knew that you were the one…I just had to get up the nerve to do something about it," he said rolling over to look into her eyes.

She sighed. "Fireworks, huh?"

"Yes, great big fireworks with lots of colors exploding into the night air…much like this one," he said.

She jumped at the explosion in the air as the fireworks lit up the sky sending spectacular sparks of color into the night. He watched as she looked up into the sky and watched as another firework lit up the sky followed by another one. She glanced at him.

"Aren't you going to watch?" she asked.

"I see fireworks every time I make love to you…this pales in comparison," he said.

It made her gasp.

Note from author:

Pure mush…are you surviving the fluff. I coughed a few times myself. Anyway, leave the reviews. Imagine, the night is not over yet so we'll have to move on to another chapter! Take care! Penny


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter Twenty Eight:**

They lay there entwined in each other's arms as they watched the display. Once it was over, he was pulling her back up. They walked hand in hand as they returned to the house. He opened the door and led her to the study where now there was a warm fire and a bottle of chilled champagne sitting there along with a plate of fresh strawberries and chocolate.

She shook her head.

"Catherine helped you plan this, right?" she asked.

He said nothing but kept his boyish grin displayed.

He poured the champagne and then they lay down on the pallet.

"Happy?" he asked.

"Very," she said.

"Sara?"

She had been waiting for this moment all evening and she was prepared to say yes when he asked, "Would you like a strawberry?"

He dipped one in chocolate and fed her the strawberry. He then took her lips into his and the moment was lost on the removing of clothing.

"Always wanted to make love to you right here," he whispered.

She felt him push her back onto the pallet and he began a trail of kisses down to her navel and she shivered when she felt his hand slide up to rest between her legs. She kept her eyes closed as she let herself feel the sensations. He dripped the warm chocolate on her navel and she felt her hands clutching the pallet as he began to slowly lick the chocolate. She shuddered.

Her eyes shot open and he grinned. She found herself on the offensive this time as she pushed him back and did the same watching him react when she lowered her head. His guttural groan made her chuckle. Their lovemaking was slow and sensual. They lay there afterwards and he rolled over and kissed her.

"So…am I romantic or not?" he asked.

She grinned. "You are but…"

He was pulling her up again, grabbing their clothes as he pulled her back upstairs. They showered together and then when they finished there was a knock on the door and Mrs. Donner arrived with Matthew.

She tried not to act confused but she had thought the evening would end with a proposal. She took Matthew and kissed him. She turned and carried him upstairs as Grissom winked at Mrs. Donner before showing her out. She dressed him in his pajamas and she sat there in the rocker and began to nurse him.

"Are you really going to stop nursing him?" he asked at the door.

"It's getting more and more difficult with work. He's one now and his pediatrician says it's fine. It's difficult not giving in sometimes…I miss coffee…an occasional beer…the wine and then the champagne tonight…"

"You drank very little…I made sure," he said.

He stood there a moment and watched. "I'm going to miss this. I think he will too."

"No guilt trips," she said.

"I'm not…it's just a special occasion…the end of something beautiful; you always seemed to take my breath away each time I saw you with him. She looked down at Matthew now sleeping in her arms and smiled.

"I'm going to miss this also. I never thought I would ever be doing this…I hadn't planned on it until the nurses told me after he was born that it would be best for him. I didn't mind it though. It's been our special time together," she said.

She turned and had not noticed that he now knelt beside her. He kissed Matthew's head and then brought her lips to his. She rose and saw the diamond ring he now held in his hand. She stared at him.

"A special moment to replace a special moment," he whispered.

She felt her eyes water as he kissed her gently on the lips.

"Sara, will you marry me?" he asked.

"Yes…yes I will," she said.

He slid the ring across her finger. It sparkled against the lighting in the room.

"It's beautiful," she whispered.

"You're beautiful," he whispered.

"I thought you weren't going to ask," she said later in bed.

"I wanted it to be special," he said.

"Gil, this entire evening has been special. How did you do it?" she asked.

He turned over and grinned. "I had a little help from everyone," he said.

"Catherine planned it. Right?"

"No. I did…I just needed help pulling it off," he said.

"So…who helped?"

"Mrs. Donner took care of Matthew of course. Her cousin did the catering…we're going to eat at his new restaurant when it opens next week. The local fire department put on the firework display…Nick did mention the part about strawberries and champagne….Greg added the chocolate."

She grinned.

"I did the rest…Emily helped set up the candles and the rose petals."

She smiled.

"You're a romantic," she said.

"So when can we get married?" he asked. "We have the house, the dog, the child …"

She was kissing him now and he tried to speak each time her lips released his.

"Really…when?"

"Nothing big," she said.

"I could live with that…a quick drive thru wedding like Warrick…"

"Not in Vegas!"

He grinned. "How about here?"

She smiled.

"Here."

The invitations went out before she expected. He beamed when he posted one on the fridge.

"I didn't think those would go out for a couple of weeks," she said.

"Sara, the wedding is in two weeks," he said.

She spewed the coffee she had been drinking. "Two weeks?" she repeated.

"Yes," he said with a grin as he finished his breakfast and glanced at Matthew.

"Done?" he asked.

"Dada, let's play," he said.

He took him out of the high chair and then watched as he ran out the door.

"He's going back to that tree," she said.

"Coming?" he asked.

"I've got some things to do," she said.

He glanced at her. "You okay? You've been sleeping?" he asked.

"He's climbing, Gilbert," she said pointing outside. He hesitated for a moment and then hurried outside.

She cleared the breakfast table and then looked out the back door. Grissom had let him climb up three rungs on the tree.

"Gil, you shouldn't let him do that," she called.

He waved.

She watched until she was sure she would run out there and grab him back inside. She turned and headed upstairs to shower. As she dried the steam from the mirror she stared at her reflection. He came to stand behind her and she turned quickly.

"Where's Matthew?" she said suddenly

"He's with Mrs. Donner," he said.

She let out a long sigh.

"Sara?"

"I'm sorry…I've just been….too many cases of late involving kids…first it was the kids found murdered with the parents to the drive by shooting which killed two kids playing in their backyard…they were eight. Nick worked with me on that one," she said.

"I know it's been rough on everyone," he said.

He stared at her.

"Why don't you take some time off…"

"I'm taking a week off when we get married," she said.

"I'm worried about you," he said. "You would tell me if anything was wrong…I know you were burned out last time…"

"Don't…questioning every day doesn't help," she said.

"I'm just trying…"

"Making sure I don't run this time.."

"No! Making sure I see what I didn't see last time."

"And what was that?"

"You."

She pulled him close and he felt her tremble. He pulled her closer telling himself everything was okay but he had that feeling once more.

"Listen, we need to talk about some things…we need to put the townhouse on the market…merge houses…you know these opposite shifts are too hard…I could switch to another shift…I've even thought about a teaching position…letting Vegas stay in my rear view mirror…you could do the same…anything is possible…staying here with Matthew and Bruno…"

She stared at him, "You couldn't give up the lab."

"Yes, I can."

She stared at him disbelief, "You don't have to do this…I know what you're trying to do….I'm not asking you to sacrifice…"

"I'm not. Sara you and Matthew are the most important thing in my life."

"Don't do this…"

"Sara, we'll talk…we'll sit down and decide what we want to do…we have lots of options but what we don't have to do is stay at the lab. Just say the word and we can leave. Leave it behind us."

"You don't have to leave."

"No, I don't but I do know I want to spend as much time with you and Matthew as I can and I can't do that on graveyard."

She was shocked. She shook her head. "You've built the lab to its position now. You'd be willing to leave it behind…all those years…"

"Sara, it's just a job."

"It's your life."

"No, Sara. You're my life."

It took her breath away.

She gulped back the tears.

"Two weeks Mrs. Grissom….two weeks."

Note from author:

I have chuckled over th reviews. They are been so great. If you are new, welcome. All that I ask of the readers is a review for each chapter. A small price to pay for the amouont of hours I spend in fanfiction. LOL Yes...the angst is coming so we are going to stop for the night...until tomorrow. Take care! Penny


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter Twenty Nine:**

She worked a double finding herself spiraling into the week with one homicide after another. She rolled with each one photographing the tragic ending of each life and collecting the last remnants of their lives in evidence bags. She did each one until they became a blur and she found herself fumbling through the reports trying to keep the details separate.

"They're all the same…. Senseless death after death…. Some innocent some not…but the same. Dead…. Meaningless deaths," she whispered.

"When was death ever meaningful?" Brass asked as he stood there watching her.

"People used to die for a purpose…fighting in a war…dying in order to save another…there are none anymore," she said.

"Been pulling a lot of overtime these days," he said. "Guess you'll be glad when the wedding is here and then you'll have a week off."

She said nothing.

He studied her.

She pulled herself up and grabbed her kit.

"Sara, what's wrong?"

"You too?" she asked.

"He's worried….sick. He blamed himself for not helping you when you…"

"You know he keeps looking for something…expecting me to fall apart any minute…watching over me…this is driving me…" she stopped.

_There's a pain in my sawdust…._

"What do you expect him to do?"

"I expect him to let me work through this…he's talking about leaving the lab."

"So."

"So? He put his life into the lab…he can't just walk away from his dream."

"Who said it was his dream? Did he tell you that? Besides, dreams change. By the way, who is more upset about him leaving the lab…you or him? I think it's you."

She bristled and then squared her shoulders, "I don't want him to give up something he'll regret."

"He's already done that Sara. He gave you up when he didn't go after you and it almost destroyed him. Let him choose and be happy for him."

"He shouldn't have to choose…he's going to pay for my weaknesses and he's going to hate me for it….maybe not now but years later."

"You really are afraid to take the plunge aren't you?"

"No I'm not!"

_He doesn't really know me…_

_He thinks he does…._

"Yes, you are."

"You're just trying to twist this around."

"You're trying to avoid the real problem here."

"No! I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No! I'm not!" She sat back feeling her lungs reject the gulp of air. She tried again and again. He was there now beside her as the fear flooded her face.

"Sara?"

She grabbed his wrist still trying to force the air into her lungs with little success.

"Inhaler?" he asked quickly.

She nodded, pointing to the Denali. He was rushing to the door while he called for the other CSI. He fumbled inside the glove compartment and found it. He rushed back handing it to her as she closed her eyes and forced herself to relax. She tried the inhaler and found a little release but then she found herself now on the ground as she felt the inhaler being inserted once more and then several puffs given.

The stark white walls came into view as she lay there in the examining room. She tried to rise but then felt arms holding her down. She let them as she felt her lungs tighten once more with the effort. She felt herself floating now as she was given an injection as she turned her head to see him standing there outside the door. One blink and he was now gone as well as the examining room and now she found herself in a private room.

She looked about and found him sitting beside the bed. She tried to pull the mask from her face but he clasped her hand into his.

"You gave Brass quite a scare," he said.

She looked about the room.

"I had them bring you here…closer to home…after you were breathing better. Sara, they've been running some tests…your lungs…" he stopped when she started to speak.

"Matthew is fine. Mrs. Donner is with him," he said.

She nodded slightly and relaxed.

Dr. Phillips came and reviewed her chart before sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"How long have you been having trouble breathing?" asked Dr. Phillips.

"A few weeks," she said.

Grissom jaw twitched but she ignored his anger.

"The inhaler isn't working, is it?" asked Dr. Phillips.

She shook her head.

He looked at her. "Sara, we did some x rays. The infection is back in your lungs…it shouldn't. There's a spot on your lower right lung….we want to do a biopsy," he said glancing at both of them.

She felt his hand tighten around hers.

"You think it's cancer," she said.

"We won't know until we can do the biopsy and send it off to the lab. Sara, you're unique. Your case has been unique since the beginning. You've had two near death drownings…There are not too many cases in which patients have survived…"

"Ingestion of sand…the sand that scarred my lungs…now it might…"she stopped.

"Wait…two?" asked Grissom.

Dr. Phillips looked at Grissom and then Sara.

"When I was a child," said Sara.

Grissom nodded. He had not been aware of the childhood incident.

"We want to do this immediately," he said.

She glanced at Grissom and then nodded.

"Good," he said. "I'll schedule it for in the morning."

He waited until Dr. Phillips left before pulling her hand up to his lips.

"It's going to be fine," she said.

He nodded but then he was pulling her tightly to him until he heard her gasping for air.

"Sorry," he said quietly.

"Gil, you need to go home. Be with Matthew," she said.

"No."

"You need to explain to him. You need to let him know it's going to be okay so he isn't frightened."

"He's my son. He's going to be scared. I'm scared, Sara."

His admission made her pull him close to her.

"It's just that damn desert sand. I'll be fine. Another flush of the lungs and another round of…"

She breathed in deeply forcing back the fear that engulfed her.

"I want you to promise me something," she said.

"Anything."

"I need to give you power of attorney…to act on my behalf in all matters, medical, legal, financial and...Matthew."

He began to panic now. "Sara, you said yourself…it's just sand…it's the long term effects of the sand..the scar tissue…"

"You did it for Brass…will you do it for me?" she asked. "Gil, I need you to do this for me…so I don't have to worry…"

He nodded.

"My attorney is in town…call him."

He started to pull out his phone but then stopped. "Shouldn't we wait…"

"No! Call him."

He came and he sat there talking with Sara as Grissom stepped outside the room trying to force air into his own lungs as he thought of what they might find in the next couple of hours or days or weeks and he slumped down in a chair in the hall.

He was deep in thought when he heard the attorney call his name.

"Mr. Grissom?"

"Yes."

"I can have the order ready in an hour…you'll be here?"

"Yes…I'm not leaving."

"Good. You'll both need to sign," he said as he left.

He breathed in deeply before returning to sit with her.

"Go home," she pleaded.

"I'm not leaving," he said.

"Promise me you'll leave right after we sign the order…Matthew needs you," she said now coughing.

"You need me more," he said.

"Gil, I'm in a hospital. I'll be fine," she said now trying to stifle the cough.

"You've had that cough ever since you worked that case in the desert," he said.

She nodded.

"You should have told me," he said quietly.

"You would have just worried," she said.

"I have a right to know," he said letting his hurt show.

"I'm sorry…I was just trying to wait it out…hoping it would get better…Gil…I'm having trouble…" she was gasping again.

He pushed the mask over her and she nodded when she began to feel better.

"No talking," he said now trying to hide his fear of losing her.

She nodded.

They watched as a nurse came with an injection. She pulled her arm away and refused to accept the shot.

"Sara, it's your medication. You need…"

"No! Not until the order is ready," she said. She persisted until he made the nurse leave.

"As soon as we sign it…"

She nodded immediately.

He returned within the hour with the order in hand and she signed it quickly. She then handed him the pen and he started to sign but stopped. He reached for his glasses intending to read it when she placed her hand on his arm.

"Trust me?" she asked.

He nodded and signed. He was handed a copy of it while the attorney handed another to the nurse retaining a copy for the court.

She stared at him as she felt the needle slip beneath her skin and then she slept. He quickly pulled open the papers and began to read. He was thankful for the seat that held his weight as he reeled from the order.

"I didn't want this," he said swiping at his eyes. "I didn't want this."

She was in and out of consciousness as he kept her vigil at her bedside. Brass and Nick arrived but he remained there refusing to give up his place.

"How is she?" they asked.

"They're going to do a biopsy in the morning. They're pumping her body with antibiotics trying to fight off the infection. She…." He stopped.

"She what?" asked Brass.

"She gave me power of attorney…to make decisions…in case it's…she gave me full custody of Matthew," he said.

Brass and Nick looked at one another.

"You know Sara. She's just trying to think about Matthew…making sure he's taken care of," said Brass.

"She once told me she would allow joint custody of Matthew but never full custody…she said it would be over her dead body," he said quietly.

Note from author:

The angst has returned but you have to admit, you did have a lot to hold you over in order to get you through the next couple of chapters and then some. Please continue to leave the reviews….remember it is a small thing that I ask of the readers. I am currently working on two stories…I usually don't do two at a time…not sure when they will be done…remember I don't post until the story is finished or close to being finished so I can post daily. I can say that I will be leaving next Friday and going to Boston for a week. My husband has a seminar there and the family is going with him. I've never seen Boston and am looking forward to the distraction for awhile. I hope tonight's episode is not disappointing…I have been dreading it but so far my inside sources have been correct. (Billy agreeing to do a partial contract for next year…now to bring Jorja back…perhaps on the very last episode of the season they will at least mention Grissom going to visit her…although she was supposed to be in the delivery room with Grissom by her side and then later they are supposed to let them exit together…I would hate to have to go out there and hurt a couple of writers! LOL Anyway, take care! Penny


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter Thirty:**

He sat there holding her hand as the last ten years flashed before him. He closed his eyes as he lay his head down near hers.

"_I don't even have to turn around. Sara Sidle…"_

"_That's me." _

His hand caressed hers. "I didn't think you would stay. You gave up your life in San Francisco to relocate here in Vegas…just because I asked."

"_Since when did you become interested in beauty?"_

"_Since I met you."_

"I've always thought you were beautiful…even when you wore your hair up in a pony tail and I told myself I was too old for you."

"_Sara, I don't know what to do about this."_

"_I do. You know, by the time you figure it out, you really could be too late." _

"I never should have turned you down. I should have explained."

"_Somebody young and beautiful shows up. Somebody we could care about. She offers us a new life with her but we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it." _

"You didn't give up. You made me see what we could have together. You waited…despite the hell I put you through time and time again."

"_Tell me why you're so angry"_

"It was the first time I saw how vulnerable you were. It was the first time I held you."

"_I'm not ready to say goodbye"_

"You were so supportive of me…knowing how hard it was for me to make those decisions about Jim. I can't make those decisions for you…please don't make me…"

"_Trust me?"_

"_Intimately."_

I should have trusted you in the beginning. You never hurt me Sara. I hurt you…God, how I hurt you," he wept.

"_Sex without love is sad."_

"_Well, I'm pretty sure I don't make you sad."_

"_No, you make me very happy."_

"It was the closest I ever came to telling you that I loved you. I should have just told you."

"_the only person I've ever loved."_

"You are…you always will be…I can't lose you now, Sara. We need you."

He felt her hand caress his cheek as he opened his eyes.

"It's going to be okay," she whispered.

"I never wanted full custody," he choked.

"I know. I just want to know Matthew is safe…he is…with you," she said.

"The order…"

"I'm sorry. I knew you wouldn't sign it if you read it. I'm sorry…" she said as she felt herself slipping into unconsciousness.

"Sara…about the medical power of attorney…"

"You'll do the right thing," she said. "You'll follow my instructions."

"We didn't talk about this…"

"No, we didn't. Gil, no life support…no artificial…same with Jim….look, I'm going to be home in a day or so…just a precaution," she said.

"Sara…"

She was asleep again.

She slipped in and out of consciousness as the physician came and talked with Grissom. He stood there and listened to the procedure as Brass stood nearby.

"Open lung biopsy will give us the ability to scrape the lung and to determine what kind of infection we're dealing with. It's been resistant to antibiotics…Mr. Grissom, we'll need to talk about Sara's options if it's cancer…"

"You don't know that yet," he said.

"No, we don't but with all indications…Mr. Grissom, it appears to be…"

"We'll discuss the options once the results are back. You said it before. Sara's case is unique…the near drowning and the sand aspiration may be the problem…there are few test subjects…"

"You're right. It could be just an ongoing problem with the ingestion of the sand…if she had been found sooner…and her lungs checked then…I understand it wasn't until a day or two after she was admitted that they began treating her lungs…"

"Yes. She began having problems breathing."

"You've been told about the procedure this morning?"

"Yes."

"You know we will be monitoring her condition afterwards especially since she already has pneumonia."

"Her son, Matthew…could she see him…once she's resting comfortably again after the procedure?" asked Grissom.

"I'll make sure the nurses know to let him slip in for a little while," he said.

"Thank you," said Grissom as he watched the physician leave.

Brass came to stand beside him. "How are you holding up?"

"She tricked me into signing that order," he said.

"She was doing what was best for Matthew. Don't disappoint her," he said.

Brass looked at him. "I want you to leave. Go home. Shower. Change clothes and see your son and then get your ass back here. She's going to be asleep for awhile. You'll then be ready for the procedure."

He started to object but then stopped himself. "You'll stay with her?" he asked.

"I won't leave," said Brass.

He hesitated a moment and then leaned over to kiss her.

The house was quiet when he arrived home. Matthew was taking a nap. Mrs. Donner was sitting in the rocking chair.

"How is she?" she asked.

"The open lung biopsy is scheduled in three hours," he said.

"She's in good hands," she said.

He nodded before disappearing.

He showered and changed clothes and then came to stand beside Matthew's bed. He smiled when the little boy opened his eyes and smiled back at him.

"Dada home," he said.

"Dada home but dada has to leave to visit momma. Momma sick."

"Momma sick?" he asked.

"Yes."

"I kiss boo boo. Momma be better," he said.

Grissom held him.

"He's a smart little boy to only be sixteen months old."

"He takes after his mother," he said.

"She says the same thing about you," said Mrs. Donner. "Don't worry about Matthew. I'll take good care of him while you're gone."

"Dr. Phillips said he could visit…they would sneak him in," he said.

"Just call me," she said, "I'll bring him. Gil, you'll let me know…as soon as you know something?"

"Yes, I will."

"Gil?"

"Hmmm?"

"Have either of you thought about the wedding?"

He stared at her.

"The wedding is next weekend."

He had forgotten. He wasn't sure if she had.

"I'm not sure we're….she may not be up to…"

"Talk with her," she said.

He nodded.

He played with Matthew for awhile before heading back to the hospital. He arrived just as she began to stir. She smiled at him when he slipped his hand into hers.

"How's Matthew?" she asked.

"He's fine," he said. "He sends his love. The doctor said he could visit after the procedure when you're feeling up to it."

She smiled.

"I love you, Sara." He whispered as he leaned down and kissed her once more.

He was reluctant to release her hand when they came for her. She pulled his hand up to her lips and kissed the palm before releasing it. He did the same.

He stared at it as he watched them take her.

"You okay?" asked Brass.

"I used to hold her hand…the first couple of years…to let her know I cared…I should have done more," he said quietly.

They waited with the others in the waiting room. It was not a long procedure taking less than an hour but he paced the halls as he told himself to breathe in and breathe out. He prayed she did the same.

Note from author:

Breathe in…breathe out….

Leave the review….

Take care,

Penny

ps. I leave next Friday...the story will be completed by then...besides I take my laptop everywhere I go and I insist on internet connection.


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter Thirty One:**

They watched him pace as he had done for the past thirty minutes refusing to sit while they took turns talking with him in hushed tones. He smiled when he saw Mrs. Donner arrive with Matthew.

"I know he can't see her but he's been asking for you," she said. "I hope that's alright?"

"Yes…of course. I think I needed to see him also," he said talking him into his arms.

"dada sad?"

"Dada…happy to see you," he said.

"Momma?" he asked.

"Momma is still sick," he said.

"See momma?" he asked.

"Soon," he managed to get out.

Greg and Nick came to his rescue offering to take Matthew down to get a treat. He glanced at Mrs. Donner and she said with a smile," One treat won't spoil his dinner."

He watched as the little boy went with the others, waving to him as they got on the elevator.

Catherine came and stood next to him. "You okay?"

"What do I do if…"

"One step at a time, Gil. You've got to be strong for Matthew. Don't let him…"

"See me upset? I'm trying," he said as he felt himself being pulled down in a chair.

He felt her hand tighten around his as Dr. Phillips came towards them.

"Mr. Grissom, Sara is in recovery…we're going to watch her…her right lung collapsed during the procedure…we've inserted a tube in her chest to relieve the pressure. We flushed her lungs…we'll know in a couple of days about the biopsy…there's quite extensive scar tissue on her right lung caused by the ingestion of sand that remained in her lungs…"

"Can I see her?" he asked without letting him finish.

He smiled. "Yes. I have to warn you, she's not going to be able to talk. We're going to keep her heavily sedated for the next twenty four hours while we continue to treat the pneumonia."

"Does it seem to be working?" he asked.

"Yes. The left lung is much better…our concern is with the right lung. Gil, I don't think it's cancer…but be prepared."

He nodded as he felt himself slumping back into the chair.

"Get some rest. We'll try to sneak Matthew in when she's a little better," said Dr. Phillips.

Grissom smiled.

She floated in and out and with each time the hand was different. She missed his. She missed Matthew. He held Matthew as he fell asleep. Mrs. Donner had tried to remove him from Grissom's arms a few hours ago but he refused hanging onto his shirt collar with a vengeance.

"Let him stay…just a little while longer," he said.

"Momma now," he protested.

"Momma still getting rest," he said quietly.

"Please dada," he had cried.

Grissom held him tight.

"Dada miss momma too," whispered Grissom.

"Need momma…please dada," he asked once more.

Grissom looked around the hall and the nurse motioned for them to enter. He was quiet as Grissom carried him inside the room.

They stared at her small form in the bed. He glanced at Sara and then at Grissom.

"Momma sick like me?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Momma hurt?" he asked.

Grissom did not want to answer.

"Momma hurt, yes?" he asked.

Grissom nodded.

"Me sad too dada," said Matthew.

_He's only sixteen months and understands more than I ever did at forty…_

"Momma is going to get better," he said.

"Like me?" asked Matthew.

"Yes."

"Love you dada," said Matthew.

"I love you too," said Grissom.

_Knows so much more than me…_

_So much more…_

"Matthew, you have to go home now," he said softly.

"Night Momma," he waved.

"I'll tell her when she wakes," he said. He placed his small hands about Grissom's face as he kissed him. It made his eyes water and he pulled him close.

He quickly stepped back into the hallway and handed him to Mrs. Donner.

"Night dada," he said as he waved.

"Night Matthew," he said softly.

He stood there and watched them leave. Even as the elevator door closed, he still looked in that direction.

"Gil?" Catherine asked.

"Hmmm?"

"You should eat something," she said.

"I'm fine. I think I'll just sit with her and try to sleep myself," he said as he returned inside the room.

The hours turned into a day and yet she slept. He had wanted to tell her about Matthew but when she did not wake, he told himself it was for the best. She needed the rest. He stood and stretched as he walked about the room. Brass stuck his head into the room and he stepped outside.

"How is she?" he asked.

"She doesn't seem better," he said staring back at the door.

"Coffee…let's get some coffee," he said pulling him away from the door.

He felt his feet moving but he found himself making excuses to stay.

"Gil, you need a break," said Brass.

He finally nodded and followed.

He had finished part of it when Dr. Phillips arrived.

"Thought I might find you here," he said.

"You have the results?" he asked quickly.

"Benign," he replied.

He let the good news sink in before continuing.

"Gil, we have another problem."

"What?"

"The pneumonia isn't responding to the medication."

"What…"

"We can put her on a ventilator to help her breathe. Do you want us to do that?"

He glanced at Brass. "Yes."

"We're going to watch and see if her body can fight off the pneumonia…"

"She'll get weaker….what if her system can't fight…" he stopped.

He knew the answer.

"Gil, she's been worse. When she was first admitted with pneumonia, she managed to pull through…she was pregnant at the time. Frankly, I wasn't so sure that Matthew would make it…he did. They both did."

He stood and waited for Grissom to take in everything.

"Gil?"

"If her condition worsens, you'll need to make the decision about the ventilator. We are not at that stage…I don't think we're going to get to that…but I'll keep you posted."

He stared in disbelief.

_I won't do it…_

_I can't…._

_How would I ever explain that to Matthew?_

_How would I ever explain that to myself…._

"Gil, sit down," said Brass.

He sat there and stared at the cup in his hand.

"Sara is not going to die because of pneumonia. She didn't fight like hell out there in the desert with Natalie to be picked off by pneumonia."

"I should check on her," he said as he stood and headed back to the room. He stared at the ventilator that now was part of her body.

He glanced at Brass.

"You knew," he said accusingly.

"The nurse told me. She thought it would be best if you were away when they did it," he said.

He sat down in the chair and watched the machine force air into her lungs.

"Gil?"

"Yeah?"

"I was like that…look at me now," he said.

"I just want to talk with her again," he said. "I just want to tell her I love her…one more time."

"She knows that," said Brass.

"I need to make up for all the times I should have said it," he said. "There was something bothering her…"

"I think she knew she was sick. She didn't want you to know," he said.

"There's something else. Something that bothered her before she left," he said.

"There'll be time to talk with her about it," said Brass as he patted his friend on the shoulder.

"I just want more time," he said quietly. "I want her to have more time. Matthew needs her. I need her."

Brass looked away as Grissom wiped at his eyes.

"This isn't fair. If I had never become involved with Sofia…"

"Going through the what ifs isn't going to help. It never does."

"It's my fault that Natalie took her. I was careless. I let her see how important Sara was to me. I had to build that damn miniature hoping to connect with the killer. She saw it. She was right there in our lab and saw it."

"Gil. Let it go."

He was quiet. He sat there in the chair and listened to the machines. He watched as she clung to life and prayed he would not be faced with the decision to turn off the machines.

Note from author:

I know the angst…

Leave the review.

Take care,

Penny


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter Thirty Two:**

Days passed as he drifted between the house and the hospital only leaving when Brass insisted that he go home for a few hours to be with Matthew. Matthew had begun to cry at all hours begging for his mother as Grissom tried to comfort him while he mourned her absence as well.

He threw tantrums now demanding to see her but when his request was denied, he cried pushing the others away.

He stood there now watching him as Matthew played in the floor. Mrs. Donner came to stand in the doorway.

"He needs his mother," she said.

"I don't know what to do," he said. "I'm not sure it would be good for him to see her on the ventilator."

"Matthew wants her. He doesn't care how he gets her. He just wants her," she said softly.

Grissom stared at her.

She was right.

He lifted the small boy and carried him downstairs. He fastened him into the carseat as he drove them to the hospital.

"Matthew?"

He stared at Grissom.

"Would you like to see momma?" he asked.

He smiled.

"Momma is still very sick. She has things that help her breathe. She's asleep but you can see her."

"See momma now?" he asked.

"Yes."

Grissom carried him and refused to take no for an answer as they ignored the nurse and stepped into the room. Nick and Greg sat outside the door and watched the commotion.

"Mr. Grissom, we don't think it would be good for Matthew to see his mother on a ventilator…"

"He's my son and I decide what's best. He needs to see his mother."

He took Matthew to the side of the bed and let him hold her hand.

He looked at Sara and then at Grissom.

"Momma sleeping?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Momma sick bad?' he asked.

"Yes."

"Momma come home," he pouted.

"When she's better," he said.

"Miss momma," he said as he rubbed his eyes.

"Me too," said Grissom.

"Me tired," he said as he rubbed his eyes again.

"Me too," said Grissom.

"Sleep with momma?" he asked.

Grissom stared at the little boy and then at Sara. He glanced over at the nurse and the others.

"Yes. Must be still. Okay?" he asked.

He placed Matthew beside her and he snuggled up close to her placing his small arm about her waist. He was asleep within minutes.

Grissom sighed as he sat down.

"You okay?" asked Nick.

"He refused to sleep. He's been crying for Sara. No one could console him. He just wanted to see her."

"He'll be fine now," said Nick. "He just needed this."

Grissom nodded.

The nurse slipped out of the room leaving the little boy where he lay.

He slept for hours beside her. Grissom nodded off once or twice while Nick and Greg stayed in the room as well.

She felt his warm body next to hers as she drifted in and out of consciousness. She moved her hand slightly so that she could touch him. Nick jumped up from his spot and nudged Grissom while Greg went outside for a nurse.

Her eyes fluttered open as she tried to speak but knew she would not be able to with the tube. Matthew stirred.

Grissom lifted the little boy and held him as they smiled at her.

"Hi momma," he beamed.

He started to cry when she closed her eyes again.

"No momma no sleeping," he cried.

She opened them again.

"Good momma," he said.

"The doctor needs to see momma for a minute. We'll have to step outside the room," said Grissom as he started for the door.

He waved at her as the doctors and nurses began to enter the room. Grissom felt Matthew being taken from his arms.

"Matthew, how about something to eat?" asked Greg.

He reached his arms out for Greg and Grissom watched as they headed down the hall.

"She's going to be okay," said Nick.

Grissom nodded.

"Griss?"

He looked at him.

"You're a good father," said Nick.

"Thanks Nick."

The ventilator was removed. He stood anxiously outside the room waiting to speak with her as the nurses bustled about the room removing equipment. Once she was settled, he was permitted back into the room. The others remained outside.

He came and sat beside her taking her hand into his.

"I've missed you," he said kissing the palm of her hand.

"Mat…"

He stopped her seeing the pain cross her face.

"The nurse said you would have some discomfort from the tube. Matthew is with Greg getting who knows what out of the cafeteria. He's missed you. He'll be back up in a minute."

She nodded.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

She started to answer but he stopped her.

"One finger for good, two for lousy, three for pretty lousy, four for….Sara, I've missed you…I've missed you so much," he choked out.

She squeezed his hand.

Greg reappeared in the doorway with Matthew who squealed once he saw Sara awake.

"Momma better?" he asked.

She held out her arms but Grissom shook his head.

"Momma can't hold you but you can sit beside her," he said.

He sat there and stared at her. She rubbed his back.

He sniffled and then began to wail.

She frantically looked at Grissom and then at Matthew.

"Miss you momma…so much," he cried.

She swiped at her eyes as she pulled him close.

"Missed you," she whispered.

"Momma come home?" he asked.

"Soon," said Grissom.

He pouted.

Sara rubbed his back. He could see she was tiring and so he picked up the small boy despite his objections. He began to cry holding out his hands for her.

Sara tried to reach for him but Greg was already taking him.

"Matthew," said Grissom. "Momma has to rest so she can come home soon. Say goodnight to momma."

He pouted still but he said it softly waving at her as he left with Greg.

"Sara? He cries for you because you're a good mother," said Grissom.

She smiled as she ignored the tears that fell remembering a familiar ring to his words.

It was slow progress as she was permitted to sit up followed by standing and then small walks. She was weak and was cautioned about overdoing it but she wanted to go home. She persisted on getting up more frequently and he found himself following her around despite her insistence to do things on her own.

She sat there that morning on the edge of the bed waiting for him to come. She had packed the night before and had begged to go home but was told she would have to wait one more day. She had crossed her arms and pouted. He stood there and grinned at her.

"You look like Matthew," he had said.

"I've been here long enough," she said.

"Tomorrow Sara."

He opened the door and smiled when she stood suddenly and grabbed her bag. She plopped down in the wheelchair saying very little except that if he did not hurry she would surely run.

He stopped midway and asked if she was feeling okay.

"Gilbert, get me out of here. Now!"

He chuckled as he placed her in the car and then they were home soon. She hurried up the stairs and Matthew giggled when he saw her.

They spent the evening playing together. Grissom sat and let them play not wanting to interfere until he saw the pain flash across her face and knew she had already overdone it.

"Time for bed," he announced.

She seemed a bit relieved when Matthew went to sleep. He helped her pull herself up from the floor. She went to their bedroom and stretched out onto the bed.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Just tired," she admitted.

"Sara, we never talked about the wedding."

"I'm sorry. I ruined our plans."

"We can set another date."

She nodded.

He hesitated for a moment before coming to sit down on the bed.

"You feel like talking?" he asked.

She nodded.

He pulled out the worn letter and handed it to her. She took it and opened it.

"It's the letter I left for you with Judy," she said.

"I've kept it in my desk drawer all this time," he said.

She started to fold it up but he stopped her.

"I need you to explain it to me," he said.

Note from author:

Okay, here is where I want you to go back and reread the letter she had left that day with Judy for Grissom. The rest of the story is about the letter. Leave a review. This is also the reader's warning that there are only ten chapters remaining.

Take care! Penny


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter Thirty Three:**

She looked confused.

"I need to understand what you meant…what you were feeling…what made you leave."

She leaned back in the bed.

"It was a long time ago," she said quietly.

"Not for me," he said.

He sighed.

"You said you hadn't been feeling well…you were tired."

"I couldn't sleep…the nightmares. I couldn't make them go away so I began taking sleeping pills."

"But they didn't help did they?"

"No."

"Counseling…you attended counseling," he said.

"The counseling didn't help. It made things worse."

"The nightmares…were they about Natalie?"

"No."

He looked surprised.

"Then what?"

"Nothing."

"Sara…"

"Not now. I'm not ready for this," she said.

She looked tired and vulnerable at that moment.

"Soon," he said.

She nodded slightly.

He prepared a warm bath for her and watched as she soaked. She seemed a bit quiet as she lay there later in bed. He pulled her close and kissed her.

"You know there's nothing that you can't tell me. Right?" he asked.

She nodded closing her eyes. She was asleep within minutes. He lay there and took the letter apart word for word in his mind.

Weeks passed and there was little or no mention of rescheduling the wedding. She returned to work and he found himself worrying more and more as he watched for the subtle changes. She pulled a double the following week and it was then he saw the fatigue begin again.

"You're pushing yourself," he said that night.

"I'm fine," she said as she picked up the toys out of the floor.

"You have tomorrow off," he said. "I'll take off also."

"Good," she said with a smile.

"We can talk," he said.

She bristled. "About what?"

"What you're trying to avoid."

"I'm not avoiding anything," she said.

"Good," he said.

He followed her into the bedroom and waited until she was seated on the bed before continuing.

"The letter…"

"Rip it up and throw it away."

"No. The letter…you said you had not been feeling well…you were tired…because of the nightmares…not because of Natalie…but what?"

"Just dreams."

"Tell me about them."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to."

"Okay, you have dreams that keep you from sleeping that even sleeping pills and counseling can't fix but you won't tell me their content. We'll move on for a moment. You mentioned that when you were out in the desert under the car you realized something and you were not able to shake it….what was that?"

"Nothing. Griss, please…"

"You were trapped. Your arm was pinned…you couldn't defend yourself…"

"Stop!" she yelled. "Stop it now!"

He continued.

"You said since your father died, you spent almost your entire life with ghosts…close friends…you needed to bury…"

She started to get up now but he grabbed her wrist. She glared at him.

"Sara, please. I'm trying to help."

"Want to help? Stop this."

"What did you mean? Something happened the day your father died…something you lived with all these years…something that's remained personal…painful…that you want to be rid of…but you can't because it keeps being shoved into your face….death?...maybe…domestic violence…maybe…"

She was up now. She rustled through the closet and grabbed her running shoes. She headed downstairs with him in pursuit.

"Don't run," he said.

"I'm not!" she called back.

"You have the running shoes in your hand," he said softly.

She closed her eyes and willed herself to calm down.

"Sara, take a walk…don't run."

He watched as she slipped on the shoes and then called Bruno but he was already by her side and eager to go out. She opened the door and took off not bothering with his request to walk rather than run. He sat there in the swing glancing at his watch as the minutes passed and she did not return. He knew she would not go far since she was still recovering from the lung infection and would not be so stupid as to push herself. As the minutes passed, he was not so sure. He stood and looked down the driveway and then turned around. He made out a small image at the lake and he glanced at the house. He knew he could not leave Matthew alone in the house. He cursed inwardly.

He waited. When she did not return, he went inside and called Mrs. Donner. As soon as she arrived, he was off to the lake. He came to stand next to her as she sat there with her head buried in her legs.

"Sara?"

Her head shot up immediately.

"Matthew…"

"I called Mrs. Donner. She's with him."

She nodded as she buried her head again.

"I was worried when you didn't come back," he said.

She said nothing.

"Are you okay?" as he listened for any signs of labored breathing.

She shook her head.

He glanced at Bruno who sat there.

_Bruno isn't breathing hard…_

_They've just been sitting up here…_

_She's not been pushing herself…_

He felt some of the tension leave his body.

"You shouldn't be pushing yourself. It's too soon. You're not even supposed to be out jogging. Hell you shouldn't be at work."

"I can work. My physician said I could work."

"Only because you harassed him into saying yes."

"I had to go back. I'm almost out of leave."

"What does it matter?"

"The medical insurance would be in jeopardy," she said.

He had not thought about it.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think about that."

He was quiet for a moment.

"Sara…"

He came and knelt down beside her. "Talk with me honey," he said.

She pulled herself into his arms and he felt her body tremble.

"You're cold. Let's go back," he said.

"Grissom… let's get married. Let's take off work and just get married. I don't care where," she said almost pleading.

He kissed her tenderly on the lips.

"Let's get through this….then we can marry," he offered.

"No!" she said pushing him away.

"Sara…this was here between us the last time. It forced you away. We need to get through this. We need to put this behind us once and for all," he said.

"I thought you wanted to marry me," she said.

"I do! Sara, please…"

She struggled to get up and he grasped her hand.

"Then let's go…let's do it now," she said.

He refused to move.

She stared at him.

"No."

"No?"

She watched as he shook his head.

"I can't marry you…not now," he said sadly.

She stared at him. She pulled the ring off of her finger even though he protested and handed it to him. When he refused to take it, she let it drop to the ground.

It broke her heart.

It broke his.

Note from author:

No hate mail. I promise this all gets worked out just hang in there. Please leave a review!

Take care!

Penny


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter Thirty Four:**

_We all begin with good intent  
Love was raw and young  
We believed that we could change ourselves  
The past could be undone  
But we carry on our backs the burden  
Time always reveals  
In the lonely light of morning  
In the wound that would not heal  
It's the bitter taste of losing everything  
That I've held so dear._

"_Fallen" by Sarah Mclachlan_

She bolted.

He watched as she ran from him.

He called after her but she refused to stop. Bruno took off as he ran after both of them. He watched as she stopped suddenly and dropped to her knees. He heard her gasping for air as she went into a spasm of coughing.

"Sara!"

She brushed him away as she struggled to breathe.

Her breaths slowly came and she sat down on the ground letting herself calm down.

He stood there and waited until she tried to get up.

"Let me help," he said quietly.

"I can get up on my own," she said as she shrugged off his hands and stood. She refused to admit her lungs burned and she felt the sudden urge to vomit. She waited a moment until she was steady on her feet before proceeding.

He followed slowly behind not wanting to rush her. By the time they had reached the front steps, her knees were shaking as she sat down on the steps.

"Sara?"

She gulped in air and Bruno whined by her side. She remained there until she felt her strength return. She petted his head before pulling herself up. She went inside and stared at the stairs. She opted for the study plopping down in the chair. He left her alone knowing that if he pushed she would attempt the stairs.

Grissom checked on Matthew and found him still asleep.

"Is she okay?" Mrs. Donner asked quickly.

"A bit worn out," he said.

Mrs. Donner slipped out as he returned down stairs and began dinner. He checked in on her and she had curled up on the couch.

He knew she wasn't sleeping as she lay there. He left her alone sensing she did not want company. Once dinner was fixed he returned hoping she would eat but she refused. He watched as she climbed the stairs instead. As she struggled with each step, he found himself wanting to go after her but knowing she would refuse his help. He had learned in the past it was best to give her space when she was angry with him. He left her to her silence until he could stand it no more. He stepped into the bedroom and found her curled up on the bed. He placed his hand on her forehead and sighed.

_No fever…._

_Just exhausted…._

_Just over did it…_

"I'm not sick," she whispered. "Just tired." She lay there while he read aloud hoping she would drift off to sleep but she soon pulled herself up from the bed.

"Sara?"

"I'm fine," she said as she tried to control the trembling.

"Can't sleep?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"Sara, when was the last time you slept?" he asked.

She did not want to answer. She had forgotten herself, the days and nights now seemed to blend together. She had thought about sleeping pills again but the thought of taking something while she was alone with Matthew frightened her. He needed her. It was a simple statement that had defined her life since she left Vegas. No one had ever really depended upon her until the moment she became pregnant. She took that responsibility more serious than anything she had ever done in her life. She had saved him when her own body threatened to rid itself of the burden. In saving Matthew, she had saved herself.

At a time when she was not sure she would be able to maintain her balance between the present and the past, he had been her foundation keeping her mindful of what was most important. She sat there now trying to figure out why she was now slipping back into the old behaviors despite the fact that her son lay in the next room and his need for his mother had not changed.

_He should be enough…._

_He should be the reason…_

_I pull myself up and force myself to sleep and eat and…._

_It isn't enough…_

It made her sad.

She remembered the many counseling sessions as she avoided speaking about the past. She had become a master of avoidance placing other obstacles in her path so that the distraction would hide the real problem but now she faced a more formidable opponent, Grissom. He had broken down the barriers once before as she sat there and cried in her apartment telling him about her childhood. It was the first time she had let him see a glimpse of her vulnerability and he had slipped his hand into hers sitting with her until she could no longer cry another tear. He had been quiet yet she could sense he had questions. He did not push then. He was different now. She had made him different.

He had become adept at reading her emotions and soon he would push until she would have no choice but to divulge her darkest horrors or self destruct. She had kept the secrets for so long she did not think she would ever tell another living soul.

_I told Natalie…_

_I told a murderer…._

_I told the person who wanted to kill me…._

She grabbed her housecoat and then headed downstairs drifting by the bed but avoiding the hand that reached out for her. He let her pass. He listened as she made her way downstairs and he closed his eyes sending up a simple prayer that he would be enough to get her through this. He sat there on the edge of the bed now and tried to formulate the right choice of words that would cause her to open up. His pleas had been thrown aside as well as his confession of his love for her. He feared for her. He feared for both of them. His biggest fear was for Matthew. Matthew needed her and yet she could not seem to force herself back from the hell that haunted her. He had watched in the past year how her every action evolved around Matthew but now that had changed. He saw and felt the sadness in her and he longed to see her smile again.

He struggled with asking her to return to counseling knowing it had not been effective in the past. He knew that he had been the only person who had managed to get her to talk about her past and it had been when she was at risk of losing her job that she finally opened up. Her job was no longer her priority now. It was Matthew and it scared him to think that he might have to hurt her in order to force her to help herself.

Grissom found her standing by the window as she often did. He slid his arms around her and pulled her body up close to his. She rested her head against his shoulder and he kissed her gently on the cheek. He could feel the tiredness in her body and he pulled her back causing her to place her weight against his. They stood lthere staring out into the field, each having so much to say and yet nothing needed to be said at that moment. They knew they loved one another. He closed his eyes and willed himself to say the right things, to do the right thing, but more importantly to have the courage to do what he knew needed to be done.

"I'll make us some tea," he offered.

She smiled slightly as she remained there quietly listening as he bustled around the kitchen that now belonged to both of them. A few minutes later, he placed the cup in her hand taking the opportunity to caress her cheek.

"Talk with me, Sara."

"The flowers are dying."

"They'll bloom again."

She drank the tea and then checked her watch.

"Shift will start soon," she said.

"It's your day off," he said quickly.

"I'm filling in for someone…what's his name is sick…funny how I can't remember most of their names on the first shift…they're just faces," she said as she turned and started to go back upstairs.

"Don't work. Stay home. Talk with me," he pleaded.

"There's nothing to talk about," she said.

"Fine! Good thing I didn't go after you when you left town. There was no reason. There was nothing bothering you. You just didn't love me enough to stay. You just woke up one day and decided it was time to leave or was it because you realized you were pregnant and didn't want to have a child with me…"

"Don't you say that! Don't you ever say that! I wanted Matthew! I wanted him the moment I found out I was pregnant! "

"Then why Sara?"

The gauntlet had been thrown down and he waited for her to take it.

"I'm going to be late for work," she said quietly.

He watched as she disappeared upstairs shaking his head as he told himself she was in trouble. His chest heaved at the thought of what he was preparing to do. He told himself to give her more time but he knew she did not have much time left. He counted back in his head trying to figure out how long she had gone without sleep and prayed that he would be there when she could no longer run from herself or the past.

She worked a double. She had intended to come home after the shift but then there had been a traffic fatality. She dragged herself home as he met her at the door. He said little as she came and sat down with Matthew.

"Momma bad," he pouted.

"Momma bad?" she asked.

"No come home," he said.

"Momma had to work," she said.

"Momma tired?" he asked.

"Yes. Momma tired," she said.

"Momma sick?' he asked.

He continued with the questions while Grissom stood there and watched with arms folded. "If you're going to work over, please call next time," he said.

He was right.

She had not bothered to call and now she felt the wrath of both of the men in her life. She cursed inwardly at her insensitive behavior as she stroked Matthew's back and kissed him tenderly.

"Sorry Matthew. Momma sorry. Momma will call next time," she said softly.

"Dada sad," said Matthew.

She swallowed hard knowing that her son was now capable of reading their emotions.

Brass stood and watched him.

"You look as bad as she did. What's wrong? Can't agree on another wedding date?" asked Brass.

"There isn't going to be a wedding," he said.

Heads shot up.

He had not intended to say it so loudly.

Brass pulled him to the Denali.

"What did you do?" he asked.

"Nothing."

"Then why is she refusing to marry you?"

"I told her I wouldn't marry her," he said in a low voice.

"Are you crazy?" yelled Brass.

"There's something bothering her…something she won't talk about…it's the reason she left last time. I was just trying to get her to talk. She refused."

"So how did you wind up not getting married?"

"She suddenly wanted to up and get married. I said after we had talked through the problem. She insisted. I did too. I finally said I couldn't marry her."

Brass cursed. "Why couldn't you marry her and then confront her later?"

"Because I'm worried. I'm worried that she's going to run herself into the ground trying to sort through this on her own. She's not as strong as she used to be." He said running his hands through his hair.

"Hell! She's going to run now that the wedding is off."

He appeared to be shaken.

"She wouldn't do that," he said softly.

"What makes you so sure?" asked Brass.

He was quiet for a moment.

"Because I have full custody of Matthew. She can't leave with him and she won't leave without him."

"You better fix this!" yelled Brass.

He took off work and waited for her. He sat there and played with Matthew as she walked into the door. The dark circles had returned under her eyes as well as his fear for her wellbeing. He had already searched the medicine cabinet but there were no sleeping pills.

"Momma home?" asked Matthew.

"Yes, momma home," she said.

"Momma play?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied as she came and sat down.

Matthew sat with her as they played pat a cake followed by itsy bitsy spider. Grissom could tell she was going through the motions trying to conserve her energy for several hours of play. Matthew suddenly stopped and grabbed her hand.

"Momma gone?" he asked.

"What gone?" she asked.

He pulled up her hand running his hand around her finger.

"Momma gone?' he asked.

She shook her head. She tried to distract him with a toy but he persisted.

"Momma ring…momma gone," he said.

She glared at him. "You put him up to this. Didn't you?"

"No. I didn't. He's a smart little boy…much smarter than you or I."

"Momma ring?" he asked.

"I gave it back to daddy," she said. "It's better without it."

Grissom flinched.

"Dada give back," he said.

Grissom stared at her.

She stared at Matthew.

"Momma ring dada," he pouted.

"Matthew momma doesn't want it. Let's play. Let's go outside," she offered trying to get up.

"No. Momma ring," he said again.

"No! I said no! Stop it! Stop it right now!" she yelled reaching toward him but Matthew suddenly ran to Grissom bursting into tears.

She covered her mouth in stark terror.

"I didn't mean to yell at him. I didn't mean to frighten him," she pleaded.

Matthew continued to wail as he held onto Grissom's neck.

"Momma so sorry Matthew," she said reaching for him.

He clung to Grissom even more.

"Gil…I would never…" she stood there helplessly as Matthew held firmly to Grissom's neck. He tried to comfort Matthew as he watched her slowly fall apart.

"Sara, he's fine…he's never heard you use that tone…he's going to be fine…Sara?"

He walked toward her but she turned away not wanting Matthew to see her so upset.

"I'll take him upstairs and lay him down. Stay here. I'll be right back," he said. He started to walk out when he saw her keys lying on the table.

He grabbed them before heading upstairs.

When he returned she was curled up on the couch. He came and sat down on the edge of it.

"Sara?"

She lay there with her eyes closed but he knew she was awake.

"Sara, talk with me."

"I scared him," she cried. "I scared him Gil."

"You didn't mean it."

It didn't make her feel better. She lay there swiping at her tears. She trembled when she heard the thunder. The lightning followed and then the heavy rain. She shut her eyes tight from the sound.

"Do storms still remind you of that night in the desert?" he asked.

She said nothing but shivered.

"I took the night off," he said. "Come to bed. I'll hold you."

The thunder rolled once more and she was up on her feet.

He stood and watched as she began to clean.

"Sara, you're tired. Come to bed…"

She shook her head as she continued to pick up.

"Stop. Stop it!" he yelled. "Tell me what's bothering you. You're not sleeping again…you barely eat…honey, you can't keep up this pace…you're going to…"

"I just need some time to myself…to sort through this."

"You've had over a year! It was there even when we were together…Sara, it's not going to go away by itself. Talk with me!"

They both jumped at the sound of the phone.

She grabbed her phone and turned away.

"Sidle." She stepped away from him. "I'll be there."

He stared at her.

"Swing is down because of a stomach virus…They're calling in most of day shift to work."

"I'll go in," he offered.

"No."

"Sara, the rain…"

She slipped on her jacket and began searching for her keys. He pulled them from his pocket.

She glared at him.

"I thought you…"

"You thought I would leave…not without Matthew!"

"I'm sorry. Old fears," he said.

She grabbed the keys and left.

_Ignore the rain Sara…._

_Ignore the rain…_

She tried to control the shaking in her hands as she drove. She kept her phone beside her as she watched for the street signs. It wasn't hard to miss as she made the next turn and saw the police cruiser sitting in front of the house along with Brass.

She stepped out onto the streets and watched as David arrived.

"Going to be a long night," he said trying to hurry through the rain. She stood there and stared up at the sky. The streets were already beginning to flood. Vegas was not equipped for long periods of rain. By the time she reached the front porch, she was already drenched.

"What do we have?" she asked.

"Man came home and found girlfriend dead. It appears she was raped…her body is in the bedroom." Sara nodded as she began processing the room.

_Blood on your hands, Sara…._

_You're already dead…_

_You're dead like me…_

She stared at the body that lay on the bed noticing the bruises around the wrists and the smell of copper in the air. It was pungent and she coughed. Brass stood and watched as she covered her mouth and then took in the entire sight of the room. With each turn and calculation, he watched as her face remained void of any expression. Normally it would have meant nothing to him but he caught the slight sound of humming coming from her lips. He recognized the damn tune and he gritted his teeth not wanting to hear the sick rhyme Natalie had forever placed inside their heads.

"Do you have to do that?" he asked.

"Hmmm?"

"Sara, you're humming…stop."

"Sorry…didn't know I was doing that," she said as she shook her shoulders as if trying to shake off something visible on her back.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Fine," she said as she continued to work.

Hours went by as she processed each room. The boyfriend left with another officer to go downtown to file a report. She meticulously went through the entire house documenting with photos and pieces of hair and fibers left behind. She did not stop until she returned to the victim's room. She stood there noticing each detail if trying to memorize it. She stood there staring as David watched.

"Did you find anything?" he asked.

"Dead always tell the truth. It's the living that lie," she said.

She labeled the evidence and drove to the lab. Once she had logged in the evidence, she went to stand outside the window and listened to the boyfriend. She shook her head as he answered the questions. Brass was surprised when she came into the room and sat down.

"Mr. King, I'm Sara Sidle. I've just spent the last five hours processing your home…it was your home, right?" she asked.

"We lived together," he said.

"How often did you two fight?" she asked.

"Fight? We never fought!" he said.

"Never? The neighbors tell a different story," she said.

"The neighbors turn their music up loud and don't know what's going on around them," he said.

"Explain the hole in the bedroom the size of your fist along with another matching hole in the bathroom."

"So I like to hit walls," he said.

"Did you like to hit her?" asked Sara.

"I never touched her," he said.

"Her nose has been broken more than once. I'm sure further examination will show other old domestic violence wounds…do you smoke?" she asked.

"A pack a day," he grunted.

"Like to use your girlfriend as an ash tray…she has several burn marks…on her thighs…good place to hide them so no one can see."

She stared at him.

"What I don't understand is why you decided to tie her to the bed…was this after you used the butcher knife to stab her or was it because you liked seeing her helpless?"

"I didn't kill her," he yelled.

She grabbed his hands and he tried to jerk them away but Brass stopped him.

Brass glared at Sara.

"I'll just check your hands for blood…you don't mind, do you?" she asked.

He managed to jerk away any way.

"You'll need a warrant for that," he sneered.

"I think I can arrange that," said Brass as he watched Sara start to leave.

She stopped and whirled around.

"What did she do to piss you off?" she asked.

"I said I didn't kill her," he said. "I'm not saying anything until I get a lawyer."

"You do that," said Brass.

"She was going to leave. You found out that she was leaving…the suitcase was still in the closet all packed…not just for a short trip but for a long term trip," said Sara.

"She said she wanted to go and visit her folks," he said.

"She wasn't afraid of you anymore was she? She stood up in your face and told you she was leaving and that you weren't going to hurt her anymore… didn't she?" yelled Sara.

He jumped up from his seat making the uniformed officer rush toward them.

"She was nothing! She was crazy if she thought she was going to leave me…one slap and she would be bawling…she gets herself knocked up and then thinks she's going to leave me…nobody leaves me…I'm not paying child support for some brat!"

Sara stared at him. "Tell me, did you feel big holding the butcher knife?"

"It felt great carving her up while she screamed…she was nobody!" he yelled.

"Just somebody who's going to put you behind bars for the rest of your life," said Sara.

He lurched at her and Brass grabbed him as Sara stood there inches from him.

"You don't scare me…I've faced worst…you're nothing," said Sara as she turned and walked out.

"_You're already dead…you died a long time ago…like me…we're both dead…"_

She felt him grab her arm as she headed down the hall.

"What the hell was that?" yelled Brass.

"Confession."

"Don't you ever do that again!" he said. "You don't put yourself in a position where a suspect can harm you. You know that! Sara, are you okay?"

"All in a day's work or is it still night? I'm not sure…does it really matter?"

He heard the officer scuffling with the man and reluctantly went back inside.

"We're going to talk later!" he called out as she turned and headed down the hall.

She slipped into the women's restroom and splashed water on her face as she stared at herself in the mirror.

_There's a pain in my sawdust…_

Note from author:

I have given you a very long chapter for the night. PLease be faithful and leave a review for each chapter. It makes me happy. I will post again tomorrow...maybe tonight...not sure... Take care! Penny


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter Thirty Five:**

_Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me  
There are times I can't decide when I can't tell up from down  
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown  
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK  
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day_

"_Push" by Sarah McLachlan_

She pulled a double as the night turned into day and she found herself at another crime scene. She shook her head as she stared at the overturned vehicle. She stood there as the paramedics pulled the body from the car and placed it on the gurney.

"She forgot to breathe," she heard herself say out loud.

"You okay?" asked Nick.

"Hmmm?"

"Sara?"

"We better get to work," she said as she stepped down into the water. She looked up at Nick. "It's okay…the water's fine…no sand…it's the desert water that can get you."

He pulled her back onto the side walk by her arm and led her to the Denali.

"Sara?"

She closed her eyes for a moment. "I'm fine..really Nicky."

"You're not acting fine."

He stared at her.

"When was the last time you've slept?" he asked.

She smiled. "I really don't remember…four or five days ago."

He cursed. "You're going home!"

"Right after I finish this. It won't take long. The water has washed almost everything away…isn't it just like water to wash away the sins of the…" she stopped.

They stared at one another.

"Have you taken anything?" he asked.

"No…I'm not drunk and I haven't even had an aspirin…Nick, I'm just tired. Let's get this done so we can go home."

He stood and watched as she returned to work. They were finishing up when the tow truck arrived to lift the vehicle. As the vehicle was lifted from the ditch, something caught her eye and she began yelling at them. Nick motioned for the driver to stop as Sara scrambled to get inside the car. She yanked and pulled and then felt the object being released. She felt Nick pulling her back out as she held on to the object. They stared at one another as she held the baby in her arms.

"She was in the carseat…blankets covered it from view…should have checked the backseat better."

She felt for a pulse and then began to rub its hands and feet blowing slow puffs into its mouth. She massaged its chest with each puff and yet it remained motionless as Nick yelled for an ambulance. She sat there and puffed and puffed until she felt her own lungs rejecting her attempts.

"Sara, it's too late…honey, she's dead."

She continued to try as the ambulance sirens grew louder. The medics ran taking the baby from her and she sat down trying to force more air into her own lungs. She watched as they continued with the baby and closed her eyes when she saw the medic shake his head. She could hear Nick yelling now for a medic as she found herself still struggling to breathe. A mask soon covered her face as she felt her legs give way and soon Nick was carrying her to the ambulance.

"Sara!"

"I'm fine," she coughed out. "Just got out of breath."

She sat there for the next thirty minutes breathing in the oxygen as she heard Nick finishing up on the case. She glared at Nick when Grissom appeared out of nowhere.

Grissom glanced at the medic. "You need to take her in. She has scar tissue on her right lung…"

She quickly removed the mask. "That's not necessary. I'm better."

"Brass called me right before I heard from Nick."

She felt trapped.

_There's a pain in my sawdust…._

She stared into his eyes not knowing when he stepped closer to her and was now holding her hand.

"Sara…no more. You've had enough. You need to rest."

She laughed. "I can't sleep. I haven't slept since…" She looked at Grissom and then down at her hands.

He rubbed the palm of her hand with his fingers.

"What is it?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I'm drowning….I can't stop it this time."

She saw the fear in his eyes but she smiled at him. "It's okay…I'm already dead…Natalie knew it. We're alike she and I….I think…Gil, you need to leave….I'm self destructing and you're going to see it happen."

He was pulling her into his arms now as he glanced at Nick.

"Come with me," he whispered.

She shook her head, "I don't want you to see this…"

"You're coming with me," he said. His voice was stern and he was not taking no for an answer.

"Gil?"

He looked at her.

"This isn't your fault…no matter what happens…"

"Sara..please don't do this to me….to Matthew."

He watched as a single tear slipped down her cheek.

"Come with me," he whispered.

She nodded as she stood not sure why she did not feel her feet as they moved across the pavement to his vehicle. She felt herself being placed in the front seat. She closed her eyes from the sound of the rain as it began again. He glanced at her from time to time as he drove to the townhouse. She felt the door open and then she was being lifted from the seat and she told him she could walk although she wasn't sure if she was even breathing at the moment. The moments now seemed to crawl through time and space.

She looked around and saw that she was now sitting on their old couch and she patted it.

_You've got blood on your hands Sara…_

_He won't love you with blood on your hands…_

He was rushing around now in the kitchen. She soon smelled coffee and she stood on wobbly knees.

She stepped out onto the deck despite the pouring rain and she held her hands up as if to wash them.

"Sara!" he yelled.

She was surprised that there was little or no air in her lungs as she gasped for breath. She felt her shoulders being shaken now and she looked at his hands as they firmly held her.

"No more running!" he yelled.

He grabbed her as she let herself fall to the ground. He held her as she sat there on bended knees and sobbed.

"Sssh Sara. It's okay," he said softly. "I'm here."

"I'm drowning, Grissom. I keep trying to stay afloat and I'm drowning," she sobbed. "I fight my way back up and then I'm pushed back down…I want it to stop. Please make it stop."

He carried her inside placing her on the couch as he grabbed the throw and wrapped it around her trembling body. He pulled her up close to him and held her tight as he waited until she calmed.

"I never meant to yell…I would never hurt him…God, Grissom. He was afraid of me…just like Natalie," she sobbed.

"He was surprised. He's not used to you raising your voice."

She seemed to calm down further.

"Sara, we need to talk about why you can't sleep."

"We should be home," she said as she started to get up.

"No," he said quietly.

"No? Is it time for your shift already?" she asked. "I'll go."

"No."

"I don't understand," she said.

"Sara, the letter…"

She shook her head.

She was trying to get up but he kept a firm grip on her hand.

"Sit."

She sat back down and shivered. He pulled the throw back around her shoulders.

"You're wet. You should change. Some of your things are still here," he said.

"I don't need to change," she said quietly.

"Sara! You're shaking. Change your clothes!" He immediately apologized for yelling.

She stood and slipped into the bedroom. She put on an old pair of sweats and then returned.

He was in the kitchen pouring coffee. He returned to the couch and handed her a cup. They sat down together.

"Sara, the letter…"

She closed her eyes.

"Look at me," he said.

She opened them and she saw the letter now sitting in her lap.

"Explain," he said softly. "You have dreams that keep you from sleeping that even sleeping pills and counseling can't fix."

He rubbed the palm of her hand.

"The dreams?" he asked again.

"The nightmares," she clarified.

"About what?"

She said nothing.

He breathed in deeply.

He pointed to the next section in the note.

She was up now and heading toward the door.

"Don't Sara," he warned.

She stopped.

"I'm … I'm going home. He needs me."

"We're staying until we get through this," he said.

She whirled around. "No! I'm not."

"Sara, this is affecting all of us. You, me and… Matthew."

"Grissom, please…"

"You scared him. Sara, you yelled at him. You…"

"Stop!" she pleaded as she began to cry. "I know what I did. I'm sorry…so sorry. I don't know what…I need to see him. I need to know he's okay," she said as she turned and headed toward the door again.

"No, you're not seeing him," he said.

She froze.

"You can't do that…you wouldn't do that," she said turning to face him.

"Sara…talk to me please," he pleaded.

She took another step toward the door.

"I have full custody," he said quickly.

She felt the air knocked out of her.

He waited for her to react.

He waited for her to yell.

He waited for her to plead with him.

He waited.

She did nothing.

"Sara?"

"You said you would never hurt me again."

She stood there as her shoulders began to shake. She folded her arms about herself.

He was there suddenly pulling her into his arms.

"I didn't mean it…I didn't mean it. I'm scared for you Sara…so scared," he choked out.

"Hold me Grissom," she whispered. "Don't let go."

"I won't."

He pulled her back to the couch not wanting to release his hold on her. He wrapped the throw around them as he kissed her gently. The letter lay on the floor. She stared at it and then began to read it out loud.

"Out in the desert under that car I realized something and I haven't been able to shake it."

"What?" he whispered.

"I was pinned underneath the car…much like …," she stopped.

"The rape," he whispered. She gulped back a sob and he knew he had guessed correctly.

"Since my father died I've spent almost my entire life with ghosts," she said.

"What ghosts?"

"My father's and mine…I'm dead Grissom…I died the day my father died…just like Natalie…She died the day her sister died."

He struggled with the meaning.

"We've been like close friends and out there in the desert it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them."

"The pain of your father's death and… the rape… you can't let it go?" he asked.

She nodded. "Every case…just another reminder..."

"I know honey," he whispered. "I've always worried about you."

He held her tighter.

"I can't bury it."

"Why?"

The silence was deafening.

"He was the only man I ever loved until you. One minute he's alive and the next his body is at my feet. I just stood there and watched. I watched as the life slowly drained from his body. I stared at my hands and there was blood."

She stared at her hands now as if the blood remained.

"Blood…where did the blood come from?" he asked softly.

"The knife," she said. "The knife in my hand."

Her hand covered her mouth to stifle the sobs. "I stabbed him. They were fighting and he hit her and I just wanted him to stop so I grabbed for the knife and ….I stabbed him. I killed him…not mom. She took the knife and wiped it off. There was banging on the front door and it was the police."

She coughed.

"She pulled me into the bathroom and I remember her filling the bathtub with water. She told me she would wash away the sin….she would wash away the blood…I remember gasping for air each time I fought to get my head up. I told myself she would stop but she kept pushing me down and I continued to struggle until I swallowed deeply begging for air and getting only water. I felt myself dying. I died."

She breathed in deeply and coughed. Grissom felt a chill run down his spine.

"You know it's funny. When I was under that Mustang and the water began to rise, I told myself God was punishing me for getting away with murder. This time there would be no one there to save me."

"Sara…"

"I remember feeling the pressure on my chest as I coughed up water. A police officer wrapped me in a blanket as he carried me out while mom sat in the bathroom floor rocking back and forth.

He held her as she rocked back and forth now.

"I became the girl whose mother killed her father rather than the girl who killed her father…the only man I had ever loved until you. Mom confessed to the stabbing telling the court they had argued and she had stabbed him in self defense…at least that's what she told them months later when the hospital ruled she could stand trial for my father's murder. The court ruled it was self defense but she still served jail time for endangerment of a child…she blamed my near drowning on my father. It's all been a lie. I've lived with his ghost…and mine."

He felt himself panicking when she struggled a moment to catch her breath.

"Natalie was right. I was already dead. My mother drowned me but the officer brought me back. Natalie tried but you saved me the next time."

"Me?"

"When I swallowed the desert water and I felt the sand burn my lungs, I was ready to let go. I told myself this was it. I would become another crime scene for the Las Vegas crime lab to process but then I thought about you and I didn't want to die. I wanted to live. I wanted another moment with you."

"Me too," he whispered. "Me too."

"I got away with killing my father and my mother got away with killing me," she cried.

"No, you didn't," he said. "Sara, you've lived with the guilt all these years. You didn't get away with anything."

"I went back to San Francisco to confront mom."

She shivered and he rubbed her arms.

"The whole time I was sitting there talking with her I could feel her hands on my shoulder pushing me down into the water."

"Did she admit that she tried to drown you?" he asked.

"No. She didn't know I was still alive. She thought I was dead…can you imagine not knowing or caring if your child was alive or dead."

She sniffled and he caressed her back.

"I yelled at him much like my parents yelled at me…I never want to do that again…to see his face…to know that I did that…God Grissom, that hurt so much," she sobbed.

"I remember how much it hurt us to think that Matthew might be dead…Sara, you are nothing like your mother. You are a wonderful mother."

He kissed her as he pulled her closer.

"It's over. Let it go, Sara. Your father's death is in the past," he said.

"I killed him Grissom. I can still see his face…I can still see the blood…"

"Sara! You were just a frightened child…"

"It didn't change the facts. I killed him. Mom didn't."

"No!"

She started to say something but stopped. He welcomed the silence as his brain went into overdrive trying to process the information she had given. He gently pushed her head down on his shoulder whispering for her to rest. She did giving into to the exhaustion.

"Griss?" she finally said.

"Hmmm?"

"That last day…I couldn't take it anymore. I went out on a case with Ronnie…the Jimenez case…domestic violence…she's standing there with a knife in her back and I'm thinking if we leave and come back tomorrow, she'll be dead and then we can finally process the scene. I felt nothing. I felt nothing for the victim. It scared me. Ronnie stood there trying to counsel her…she thought she could save her…like I used to think and the whole time I'm staring at the blade and thinking at age twelve I did a better job than her husband. I killed my father with one thrust."

He hushed her again but then she was talking again and he let her.

"Hannah West…I had wanted to help her…I saw myself in her but then she tricked me and I realized that she was doing the same thing that mom and I did…she covered for her brother and mom covered for me."

She choked back a sob. "I thought I would never see her again but then she shows back up and this time I knew she had killed that girl. She was going to get away with murder…just like me. There was no remorse in her either…I'm not sure I felt remorse either…I mean I don't remember…"

"Sara, you have remorse…you've suffered with your conscious all these years…you're not like Hannah."

"I was afraid that I had let my personal life cloud my judgment…she and her brother got away with murder and I felt partially to blame for the second murder."

"Sara, you're not to blame…"

"I referred to her as a child prodigy but Catherine referred to her as a pint size Machiavelli."

She shivered and he rubbed her arms once more.

"In the end Hannah caused the death of the only person she loved…Marlon West, her brother. I caused the death of my father, the only person I ever loved…until you…"

"Don't compare yourself to her."

She choked back a sob, "I did love him…he never told me."

"I'm sorry Sara. I'm sorry the two men you chose to love did not tell you…I should have. I should have a long time ago. I love you. I've always loved you."

"You shouldn't love me. I'm not who you think I am…"

"Stop! Sara, you're the same person I fell in love with. I've suspected so much but had little to go on…I've been waiting for the evidence to fall into place…it has now. I suspected ….the rape…we don't have to get into that…but I've always worried about you…watching how you would react at times but not knowing how to bring it up. I also knew there was more to your father's death. I just couldn't bring myself to force you to tell me…I hoped that you would let go of the past after our talk that day in your apartment. I'm sorry. I should have paid more attention."

"Natalie knew about what I had done. That night when she placed me under that car I thought I was going to die. I knew the rain was coming and soon I would drown. As the water began to seep underneath the car, I told her about killing my father and watching him die. I wanted to confess…I didn't want to die and not tell someone the truth…I told her," she said as she trembled from the sound of the thunder.

"I'm sorry Sara…I knew there were things you tried to tell me but I just thought you needed time to yourself to sort through it…you're so strong…I didn't want you to feel weak…you're not. You're the strongest person I've ever known."

"I'm tired, Gil…so very tired," she whispered.

"Sleep. I'll hold you," he said. "I'll be right here."

She slept.

It was done.

It was finished.

Her ghosts were now gone or at least exposed and he pulled her close as if trying to protect her from any lingering haunts. He stared down at the letter still lying on the floor.

"You are my one and only. My heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever had. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love you. I always will," he whispered to her. "My words too Sara…my words too."

Note from author:

Okay, now everyone can sleep well this weekend. Be kind and leave a review. Take care! Penny


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter Thirty Six:**

He glanced at his watch and hated to wake her but knew they would need to return home soon. He gently nudged her as she struggled to wake.

"I'm sorry but we need to get home," he said. "Ride home with me. We can pick up your car at the lab tomorrow."

She nodded as she slowly stood on wobbly knees.

"You okay?" he questioned quickly.

"Just tired," she said between yawns.

She slept on the drive home and once again he found himself waking her. She leaned on him for support as they ascended the stairs. She slipped into Matthew's room to check on him before crawling into bed.

By the time he returned from walking Mrs. Donner out, she was back asleep. He made his own rounds as he checked on Matthew and grinned when he found Bruno stretched out on the guest bed. He left him. He sat down on the edge of the bed and listened while she slept.

He sighed when he did not hear any congestion from her lungs and she was cool to the touch. He dipped down into his pocket and pulled out the engagement ring and gently placed it back on her finger. He then kissed her palm and he held it to his cheek.

_So much stronger than me…_

_So much stronger…_

He bent down and kissed her gently on the lips before joining her. He called in sick for them not wanting to leave her after such a break through. He rolled over and stared at the clock and was surprised she was still asleep but then neither of them had been sleeping well since she had returned the ring. He smiled when he saw it back on her finger. He slipped out of the room and called Mrs. Donner canceling her visit with Matthew.

_We just need a day as a family…_

_Just the three of us…_

_And Bruno…_

He took Matthew downstairs as soon as he woke trying to give her more time to sleep as they ate breakfast and then played outside. When they returned inside, they went upstairs and found her still asleep. He told himself not to worry as Matthew took it upon himself to crawl into bed with her. He sat there and stared at her.

"Momma sleeping?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Momma sick?"

"No." he prayed.

"Momma still mad?" he asked.

"No, momma not mad," she said as she rolled over to face him. She carefully reached out for him and he scooted over until he was lying beside her.

"Momma sorry for yelling," she said softly.

"Momma love me?" he asked.

It made her cry. She pulled him into her arms and held him tightly. "Always, little bug. Always," she whispered.

"Momma sad?" he asked.

"Momma sad because momma scared Matthew yesterday. Momma will never do that again," she said.

He smiled.

She smiled.

Grissom tried to speak with the lump in his throat.

"Momma hungry? The boys have eaten," said Grissom.

She looked at Grissom and then felt the ring on her finger. She quickly hid her hand from Matthew.

"Yes, breakfast would be good," she said.

He picked up Matthew and then headed toward the door. "Take a shower. We'll have breakfast ready when you get out."

She nodded as she watched them leave. Once they were gone. She pulled her hand out from under the covers and stared at the ring. She swiped at her eyes and pulled herself out of bed. She stood there and stared at herself in the mirror.

_He still wants to marry me after…._

_He knows everything…_

_And yet he still wants to…_

She sat down on the edge of the tub and gulped down the tears that threatened. She had been afraid for nothing. He still loved her despite her past and now there was nothing left to hide. She stood slowly and showered letting the last of her tears wash away. She smiled as she watched them make pancakes. The kitchen was a mess but they stood there proud of their accomplishment.

She sat down and the plate was placed in front of her. She ate while they sat and watched.

"Good?" asked Matthew.

"Very good," she said as she forced herself to eat every bite.

His grin matched his father's and she stared at them.

_So much alike…._

_Same dimple grin…_

_Same twinkling eyes…._

"Momma ring!" exclaimed Matthew.

Grissom glanced at Sara.

"Yes, momma has her ring again," she said.

"Sara…I was going to talk with you about that…I hope it's okay that I…"

"I'm glad," she whispered. "So very glad."

He smiled.

She smiled.

The day was spent together. He watched her trying not to hover but she remained tired. He took Matthew outside and played for a few hours telling her to rest. She opted to clean instead. He frowned when they returned inside a few hours later and found the house spotless and the laundry folded.

"You were supposed to rest," he said.

"Just a few things needed to be done," she said.

"You look tired," he said now letting the worry slip into his voice.

"I am tired," she admitted. "I think it's the lack of sleep these past few weeks."

"Go take a nap," he said.

She did.

Once he had Matthew down for a nap, he came to sit with her. He felt her forehead and then listened again and then told himself once again she was just tired.

She slept for the rest of the evening skipping lunch and now he sat there on the edge of the bed and wondered if he should wake her. She woke on her own as brown eyes met blue.

She smiled at him.

"How do you feel…really?" he asked.

"Gil, I'm fine. I feel good. I just need to catch up on some sleep," she said.

He sighed. He pushed his fear aside and pulled her into his arms.

"Had me worried," he mumbled.

"Matthew asleep?" she asked.

"Yes."

She pulled him down closer until they were inches apart.

"Do we have time?" she whispered.

He grinned.

Clothes were tossed aside as they hurried. It had been rushed but the end result was the same. He pulled her close as they each tried to slow their breathing.

"Fireworks?" she questioned.

"Fireworks," he said kissing her on top of her head. "What do you see?"

"Explosion of bright colors…the first time…the second time is more of a feeling of warmth…I feel like I'm part of you."

"Second time?" he asked.

She grinned. "I usually have more than one orgasm."

"How many?" he asked.

"That depends," she said getting up to dress.

"How so?" he asked now intrigued.

"It depends on what you do," she said.

"How…"

"Sometimes, it's three or four…"

He was grinning now.

She stared at him.

"You're proud of yourself, aren't you?" she said with a grin.

"I may be old but…"

"You're not old," she said.

"I may be old but there are benefits to being…"

"You're not old," she interrupted again.

He smiled. "I feel young with you."

Her smile spread across her face.

"It's good to see you smile again," he whispered.

"Shower?" she offered.

They made love in the shower. When they finished, he began to wash her hair. She stopped him when she heard a noise.

"Did you hear that?" she asked.

He strained to listen.

"I don't hear…" There was a tap on the shower door.

They glanced at one another before she opened the shower door slightly to find Matthew standing there.

"Hi momma!" he said.

"Matthew, how did you…"

She glared at Grissom.

"He climbed out of his crib…he's learned to climb from that tree out back…Gilbert!"

"He's a boy, Sara. We climb," said Grissom.

"Momma mad?" asked Matthew.

"No…no…momma not mad at Matthew," she said as she glared at Grissom.

"Me too?" he asked.

They looked at one another.

He was stripped of his clothes and they each took turns washing him. He giggled as he was passed between them. They heard a whine and Grissom chuckled. Sara stared at Grissom.

"Bruno cannot come in….there is no room…Gil…"

The door was opened and Bruno stepped in as the water splashed on his back getting him wet. He shook himself letting water fly everywhere throughout the bathroom as the door stood open.

Matthew and Grissom laughed as Sara frowned.

"You boys are going to clean up this mess," she said stepping out giving Bruno access to get completely submerged in the shower.

"Just think of it Sara. We've come up with a way to wash the dog and the kid at the same time!" chuckled Grissom.

It made her laugh as she left the boys to play with the dog in the shower.

Note from author:

Mostly fluff from here on out so be nice and give a review for each chapter I can manage to post today and tomorrow. Take care! Penny


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter Thirty Seven:**

They smiled when invitations appeared in their mail slots. There were flurries of conversations in the hallway but he ignored it as he made his rounds. He also ignored the stares and the sudden smiles and whispers as he headed into the conference room, opening up his notebook to give out the assignments.

"Nick, you and Greg have a 419 out on…"

"Got the ring back on her finger?' asked Nick.

"It would appear so," said Grissom as he continued.

"Warrick, I'll need you to…"

"Did you have to propose again?" asked Greg.

"No," said Grissom a bit annoyed by the interruptions.

"Warrick, as I was saying…"

"How did you get the ring back on her finger?" asked Nick.

Grissom sighed.

"Catherine…"

"I would like to hear the answer to that question also," said Catherine sliding into her chair. "Sorry but Lindsey has the stomach virus and I had to wait until mom could get there."

Grissom ignored the request and continued.

"Catherine you can assist Warrick at…"

"I can't believe you didn't propose again," said Warrick.

"Yeah, like if a girl gave my ring back I would consider the first proposal null and void. He should have asked again," said Nick.

"That's what I was thinking," said Greg.

"Wait, you mean he didn't?" asked Catherine.

Grissom started to speak but the others began the discussion of the non proposal despite the fact that Sara was sporting the engagement ring and invitations had been given out.

"That doesn't make sense," said Brass as he stood in the doorway.

"You see. Even Brass agrees with us," said Nick. "He should have…"

"Stop!" yelled Grissom.

They stared at him.

"Since there are no questions about assignments, you can get to work."

He strolled out as the others stared in disbelief.

"There's a story here," said Catherine. "Anybody know it?"

The guys shook their head.

Brass grinned. "He'll tell me."

"Well, that's not fair!" whined Greg.

"He likes me," said Brass.

"I'll ask Sara," said Greg.

They dispersed still mumbling over the lack of information.

"So…how did you do it?" he asked when they were out in the field.

Grissom sat down and wiped his brow. "She finally told me what's been bothering her."

Brass sat down beside him and waited for him to tell him.

Grissom said nothing.

"What was it?" he asked.

"I'm not sure she wants me to tell anyone."

"That's bullshit. We're family."

He still refused to budge.

It made Brass mad.

"She's okay?" he finally asked.

He nodded. "For the first time in over a year, I think she's going to be just fine."

"Good," said Brass as he slowly walked away. "She could trust me…she's confided in me before." He mumbled as he walked away.

"Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"She does think of us as family…she told me. I just don't want to blow it again," he said.

He nodded.

"Listen…can you keep an eye on her…she doesn't respond well to certain cases…" began Grissom.

"Like domestic violence, rape, abduction and kidnappings?" he asked.

"Yeah," he said.

"Been doing that….ever since she came back."

"Thanks."

He did just that when she worked a domestic violence case the next shift. He watched as she processed the scene. He glanced at the other CSI who grumbled when the caseworker said she would have to get some things for the children. Sara's head popped up.

"I can do that," offered Sara. "It would be better if one of us did so the scene is not contaminated."

The older social worker smiled. "Thanks. They need some clothing and one or two toys. They can't take much."

Sara nodded and headed to the children's room. It was a boy's room. She found a backpack along with a small suitcase and began filling it with clothes. She glanced down at the desk and noticed the book report sitting there. She picked it up along with some school books and placed it inside the backpack. She then picked up an airplane that was sitting on the bed. She bent over and found a small shoe box under the bed and pulled it out. It contained several odds and ends. She pushed it inside the backpack. When she finished with this room, she went to the next.

It also belonged to a boy. She did the same, packing some clothes and then picked out a toy or two. This room belonged to a much younger boy. She guessed aged three or four. When she was done, she started to take the things to the worker but then stopped in the hallway. There was a cabinet with photo albums. She quickly opened them and tried to find the most recent photos and grabbed a few placing them in the older boys backpack.

Brass watched as she did all of this. She walked outside and handed the worker the things. The two children sat side by side on the steps. She looked at the oldest and guessed he was ten. When he saw their things he quickly came and went through them.

"If you want to take something else…" said Sara.

"No…no. I just wanted my plane and this box…thanks," he said.

"I found your book report along with your book," said Sara.

"It's due tomorrow…I guess I won't get to turn it in," he said.

"It was good," she said.

He glanced over at his brother.

"What would he like to take?" asked Sara.

The boy looked through the things that had been packed. "He didn't have a favorite…these are fine."

"I packed some photos for you," said Sara. "They're in your backpack. Be sure to share with him, okay?"

He nodded.

He stepped closer to Sara, "What's it like?" he asked, the fear apparent on his face.

She glanced at the social worker and stepped over to her for a moment and spoke in a hushed tone before returning. She knelt down beside him. "You and Timmy are going to be placed in a foster home together. Their names are Sam and Ida Morgan. They are much older…sort of like your grandparents. They like boys…listen…it's going to be scary at first….going somewhere you've never been and staying with folks you've never met but it's going to be okay. You and Timmy will be safe…James, do you know why you have to go?"

"Yes. My father killed…my mother," he sniffled. "I tried to help…I hid Timmy behind the washer and dryer just like she showed me….I should have tried to help her…"

"James, you did the right thing. You kept Timmy safe. He still needs you. He won't understand what's happening. You need to talk with him. Let him know he's safe. Can you do that?"

He nodded. "You a worker too?" he asked.

"No, I was like you once," she said.

She found him hugging her and she returned the hug. She watched as the social worker placed them in the car and they drove away. She wiped her brow and stared at the ground taking in deep slow breaths.

"You okay?" he whispered.

"Never easy…seeing that," she said.

"You were good with them. It's good that you can share your experience with them," said Brass.

"Did..huh.. Gil tell you…"

"No, he wouldn't say anything. He was happy he has that ring on your finger again."

She looked at him. "I'm almost done here…got time for a cup of coffee and a chat?" she asked.

He smiled. "I'll buy."

They sat for the next two hours as she told him about the stabbing. He sat there sipping on the coffee and nodded from time to time. He noticed her lower lip quivered a few times but he also noticed she was much stronger than just a few weeks ago.

"You shouldn't blame yourself," he finally said.

"Jim, what would you have done if that ten year old had killed the father and the mother was trying to cover it up?"

He sipped on his coffee and then stared at her.

"The mother would have gone to jail for failure to protect her children in a domestic violence situation and the child would have been placed in child protective services for evaluation…the court would have to rule on whether the child acted in self defense or if it was…"

"Murder," she finished the sentence for him.

"Sara, you did not commit murder."

"I stabbed him and he died….that's murder."

"You were trying to get him to stop."

She was quiet.

"Look at me," he said.

She brought her eyes up to meet his.

"I still love you…this means nothing."

She gulped in air.

"Thanks, Jim."

"No problem kiddo….now when can we get to the more important issue," he said.

She stared at him.

"How come you haven't asked me to give you away?"

She smiled.

"Do I have to beg or something?" he asked.

She shook her head.

He smiled as he leaned over and held her.

"Remember, families stick together…you're stuck with us," he said gruffly.

"Jim, I'm sorry for shutting you out…leaving without…"

"Don't do it again."

She nodded.

Note from author:

Well, we're getting near the end. There are forty three chapters total. Please be kind and review each one! I will be finishing this up probably this weekend. Happy reading!

Take care,

Penny


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter Thirty Eight:**

She had dinner with them one evening telling them as a group. He sat beside her holding her hand as she told about the day her father died at her hands. They sat quietly and listened to each word. Once she was done, she sat there nibbling on the sandwich on her plate. Little was said at first as they each pretended to eat. It was Greg who spoke up.

"I accidently killed a cat with a dryer," he blurted out.

They all stared at him.

"Its name was fluffy," he said.

They gawked at him.

Sara chuckled and they stared at her.

"You have to admit that was a bit ironic…fluffy gets over fluffed in the dryer."

It eased the tension as the others slowly chuckled.

"Does this mean that from now on you're going to treat us like family and not keep crap from us?" asked Nick.

She gulped. "Yes."

She felt Grissom's hand tighten around hers.

"Good, cause we want to know how Grissom got that ring back on your finger without asking," said Greg.

He felt a kick under the table and yelled ouch.

She glanced down at the ring. "He slipped it on my finger while I was sleeping."

"Well, that wasn't very romantic," said Greg.

"It was to me…I woke with the two favorite men in my life beside me and then I found the ring on my finger…best feeling in the world," she whispered.

He leaned over and kissed her. He moved his plate over as she finished her sandwich and started nibbling on his.

The invitations were placed in the mail slots again as they went about their lives once more. There were flowers to order and food and cake but she seemed not to mind as Peggy Donner took over the planning of the wedding. The wedding was planned inside the house with only members from the lab and a few close friends from town. The reception was scheduled outside under a beautiful veranda Grissom had given as a wedding gift.

She arrived home one evening and found it suddenly in the back yard along with a huge ribbon wrapped around it. It was perfect. It was perfect even though she had sat there the other night and told him about the rape. He said little but let her talk until she could talk no more and then held her tight wiping the tears from her face. There were no questions posed although she paused from time to time waiting for them to come but they didn't. It was when they were in bed that he spoke. It was barely audible but she heard each word.

"You're so much stronger than me," he said.

It made her feel strong as she wiped his cheeks. It was the last secret, the last of her past that she had kept hidden and now there was nothing left. She felt cleansed.

"Nervous?" she later asked, "About the wedding."

"No," he said. "I put aside all of my fears the moment I saw you that night when I came here to investigate Matthew's kidnapping. I told myself that if I were given another chance I would never push you away again. I'm glad you gave me that chance…so very grateful Sara," he managed to whisper.

She smiled.

She stood there that day at the top of the stairs and smiled when she saw Brass waiting for her. She walked slowly past the nursery where their son was growing up, past the guest room where they had rekindled their love, past her room that she now shared with the man of her dreams and now she came to stand where Natalie had once stood holding Matthew.

She glanced below and saw Grissom there. His tux fit him perfectly and she knew he would no doubt relish the moment he could strip himself of it but then she wanted the pleasure of assisting him. As they descended the stairs she remembered that night when she had pushed Natalie in order to save her son. She stepped onto the very spot where Natalie's lifeless body lay. She glanced down once and saw no blood stains. There had never been any. Her death had been quick leaving no trace of foul play. She took a step toward him as she heard the familiar sing song voice inside her head.

_"Oh, sad was the day for the little bisque doll, _

_for they cut all her stitches away, _

She smiled slightly at him and then at Brass.

_Shut up Natalie…_

_You're dead…_

_I'm alive…_

_Very much alive…._

The last few remaining remnants of that final day slipped away and she smiled in relief.

_No more looking over my shoulder…._

_No fear of the past…._

_It's finally finished…._

She felt his arm entwine with hers and she took a deep breath. He hesitated for a moment but the brilliance of her smile made them both giddy and they proceeded toward Father Brannigan. She listened to each and every word as they faced one another. She felt his fingers caressing the palm of her hand and she smiled down at Matthew who stood there perfectly still trying to balance the pillow that held the rings. Greg stood close by for support. Nick and Warrick stood there beside Grissom as they smiled at her.

The kiss sealed their vows and then the reception began. She stood there on the veranda and danced with him as their son ran around chasing a butterfly with Greg in pursuit. As the evening came to a close, they were ushered away. Little had been said about the wedding night plans. She did not care.

She was married.

She was Sara Grissom.

She was beginning her new life.

It was perfect.

They spent the night in at a secluded house located by a lake. Grissom had managed to rent the house for the week although they knew they would be home within a few days to be with Matthew.

"Peggy said he would be fine with her," said Grissom.

"Yes, he will but I'm not used to being away from him," said Sara.

"Sara, we're twenty miles from home," he chided.

"You think he's asleep by now?" she asked. "Greg let him eat too much cake…he probably has a stomach ache…."

He kissed her silencing her as he made love to his wife. The thoughts of Matthew were put aside as she made love to her husband. She woke later to find him sitting up in bed.

"You okay?" she asked.

"Just thinking about what we should do," he said.

"Already?" she asked.

"It's think about our future or wake my wife up and make love to her again. I decided to let you sleep a few more hours," he said with a grin.

"Gil, about those plans…." She said.

"You don't want me to leave the lab. Do you?" he asked.

"Only if it's what you want. I'm better. I'm more than better. I feel balanced now. I haven't felt that way in a long time," she said.

"Good," he said leaning down to kiss her.

"Sara, the different shifts are hard. You don't seem happy on the first shift," he said.

"It's just a job. My life with you and Matthew are the most important thing," she said.

He grinned. "You're using my words against me."

"No, I'm putting things into perspective," she said as she ran her fingers down his chest.

"Go any lower and there won't be any plans made," he said.

She grinned as her hand descended leaving their plans to be worked out another day.

Mrs. Donner brought Matthew by the next day to spend a few hours but Grissom insisted they spend another night alone. The little boy did not seem to mind as he ran toward the car.

"Bye momma," he said as he waved to her.

"No bye to daddy?" asked Grissom.

"Bye dada….bring her home soon."

They stared at one another.

"His speech is getting much better," said Sara.

"I detected a hint of jealousy in his voice," said Grissom.

"Most little boys have crushes on their mothers at one time or another," said Sara.

Grissom smiled. "He has good taste."

They returned after three days. Mrs. Donner chuckled the moment they came in carrying the suitcase.

She leaned over and whispered to Grissom. "She stayed longer than I would ever guess."

He laughed.

They spent the remainder of their time with Matthew. They purchased a toddler bed and Grissom removed the baby bed. She sat there and watched as Grissom set up the new bed.

"Brad and I put the baby bed together. It took us two hours just to figure the nuts and bolts," she said with a yawn. "I can strip a car but a baby bed is much harder."

He smiled at himself when he was done and she put the new bedding on it while Matthew sat in the floor and watched.

"You like the new bed?" asked Grissom.

"I like that one," he pouted.

"You don't need it anymore," said Sara.

"Greg really liked this one. He had one when he was your age," said Grissom.

"Probably still does," muttered Sara making Grissom grin.

The small boy came and sat on the bed. He rolled over and smiled at Sara.

"That's my big boy," she said.

"Now for this one," said Grissom.

"It can wait to be dismantled," said Sara as she pulled him into his arms.

"I thought we could go into town and celebrate since this is our last night before we go back to work."

"You make it sound so dreadful," he said.

"I didn't mean to….I'm just going to miss this time together," she said.

He kissed her gently on the nose.

"We could change shifts," he offered.

"We can talk about that later," she said pulling them downstairs.

The return to work resulted in a double on the first night and they took it in stride although he worried about her return to work. She had taken several weeks off prior to the wedding and he wondered if the rest had helped. She had dinner ready for him when he trudged through the door and she smiled as he told her about the antics Greg was trying to pull with Hodges. She asked about the cases but he said little choosing to change the topic and discuss the meal or Bruno or Matthew or even the veranda. She sat there and let him knowing he was still trying to overcome his fears from her near break down but she felt stronger than she had ever felt in her life.

The weeks passed and yet he refused to talk about work. She said little but let him choose the topics for discussion.

"We got an offer on the townhouse," he said.

"Going to accept?" she asked.

"It would cover Matthew's college tuition," he said with a grin.

"That would be nice," she said.

"I'll let the realtor know tomorrow…Sara, have you given any thought about work….our shifts?" he asked.

"Yes, I have," she said.

He looked at her but said nothing.

"What do you want to do?" she asked.

"What are your ideas?" he asked.

"You first," she said with a smile.

He frowned.

"Sara…"

"Do you want to stay on graveyard?" she asked.

"Do you want to stay on first?" he asked.

"My plans have nothing to do with yours," she said.

"Yes, they do!"

"No, they don't."

"Gilbert, you've been a night person for as long as I've known you. You do your best work at night," she said with a grin.

He returned her grin with a smile. "Stop trying to flatter me and tell me what you want," he said as he lifted his coffee cup to his lips.

"Another baby."

He spewed his coffee.

Note from author:

Should always be prepared for those one liners at the end of a chapter. LOL

Take care!

Penny


	39. Chapter 39

**Chapter Thirty Nine:**

"But you said you didn't want another child," he said.

"So you've changed your mind," she said quietly.

"Only because I thought you didn't want to try again. Sara, we can try again," he said reaching for her hand across the table.

"I'm not getting any younger and if we're going to do this then we need to do it now," she said.

He nodded.

"I'm ready," he said suddenly standing and pulling her up.

"Griss, what are you doing?' she asked as he pulled her toward the stairs.

"Putting our plan into motion," he said.

She chuckled as he pulled her upstairs. They tiptoed as they glanced in Matthew's room to make sure he was still taking a nap. Once the door was shut, the clothes were thrown about the room as they fumbled to the bed. His lovemaking took on a different purpose as he whispered endearments in her ear as he entered her taking her lips into his and deepening the kiss. It had been quick but intense each now seeking to put their plan in motion. They dressed not sure if Matthew would wake soon as Grissom pulled her into the guest room.

"New nursery?" he asked.

She nodded.

"How do you think Matthew will accept a new baby?" he asked.

"There'll be jealousy but he'll be a good brother," she said.

"You'll need to schedule an appointment with your…"

"Done that…I've already started the prenatal vitamins ahead of time," she said.

He smiled.

"Sara, what about work?"

"I need work. It keeps my mind busy. I'm fine…really. No more keeping things from one another," she said.

He smiled. "You want a girl this time?" he asked.

"I want a healthy baby…no complications," she said suddenly seriously.

He pulled her close.

"You have me this time," he whispered.

"You'll see me pregnant…I got big. I didn't see my feet for months," she said.

He grinned.

"I'm going to like that."

"I didn't."

"What was it like?" he asked.

"I was sick for months…nausea never really went away."

"Morning sickness that bad?"

"Morning sickness went away but the prenatal vitamins and the medication for the anemia followed by the medication for the pneumonia…I was sick a lot."

He kissed her gently.

"I'm sorry…"

"Stop. Leave it in the past," she said kissing him.

He nodded slowly.

"Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"I kind of want a girl."

"I was glad when Matthew was a boy," she said.

"Don't get me wrong. I won't be upset if it's another boy but it would be nice to have a girl."

She yawned.

"Your shift will be starting soon," she said.

"Want to lie down for awhile?" she asked.

"I'm too excited," he said.

"Gil, just because we decided to try doesn't mean it's going to happen," she said.

He pulled her back into his arms.

"We'll have fun trying," he whispered into her ear making her smile.

The weeks slowly passed as they found themselves entrenched in dead bodies as the summer began. The baby talk trickled each day as they struggled to have time together between the double shifts and spending time with Matthew. Little was said as her cycle came and went and yet the blue lines did not appear on the stick as she fumed about the irregularity of her cycle.

She told herself not to stress over it as her doctor had recommended and she told herself that if they did not get pregnant it would not matter because they had the most wonderful son in the world but yet she felt a longing to feel the movement of life growing inside her once more.

She sat there in the break room waiting for him to come from the field. Nick and Warrick came in and hugged her.

"Missed you lately," said Nick.

"Heard you guys have been busy," said Sara.

"Most murders occur at night. I guess we're the lucky ones," said Warrick.

"Waiting for Grissom?" asked Nick.

She nodded. "I thought I would sneak some time in with my husband."

"He's coming back," said Warrick.

Warrick and Nick looked at one another and grinned.

"What's up?" she asked.

"Just think it's interesting that we find out you two are trying to have a baby and then you show up like this….is there happy news?" asked Nick.

She stared at them.

"He told you?" she asked.

"We found out. He's been sporting a baby name book in his coat pocket and we've caught him several times looking at his text books on fetal growth," said Warrick.

She nodded.

"So…any news?" asked Nick.

"No," she said quietly. "You know I'll just wait for him in his office."

They watched as she left.

"You think she's afraid we're going to spoil her surprise?" asked Nick.

"Better be careful with what we say," said Warrick. "I heard pregnant women can be very moody."

"Good thing she's on first. We'll just have to put up with Grissom," chuckled Nick.

"What about me?" he asked as he came in and headed straight for the coffee.

They looked at one another.

"Sara is here. She's waiting for you in your office," said Nick glancing at Warrick.

He set the cup down quickly.

"She is?" he asked.

They nodded with a smile.

"Why are you two smiling like that?"

They stood and walked out.

Grissom took a deep breath and hurried to his office. He found her asleep on the couch. He closed the door gently and came to sit next to her.

"Hey," he whispered.

"I'm sorry. I just meant to rest for awhile," she said.

"You look tired," he said.

"You look tired," she said.

He smiled.

"Is there a reason for this special visit?" he asked.

She could see the anticipation in his face and it made her wish she had not come.

"I just wanted to see you," she said as she pulled him close.

He closed his eyes and fought back the disappointment.

"It was negative again," he said.

She nodded.

"Sara, it's only been a couple of months," he said.

She nodded.

His third birthday came and there was the usual party invitation that came and went. They spent an evening with friends and watched as Matthews displayed his talent at riding a tricycle followed by a climb to the top of the tree house Grissom and the guys had erected in the back yard one evening. While there were safety handles around the top, she did not like seeing him climb and wave from above.

"Sara, it's only six feet from the ground," he whispered.

"He doesn't go up there unless someone is with him," she demanded.

He nodded pulling her into an embrace.

She smiled when Matthew blew her a kiss and she pretended to catch it placing on her lips.

"Happy?" he asked.

"Yes," she said.

He looked at her and then headed up to the treehouse where the guys stood waving at the others.

"They're never going to come down from there," chuckled Catherine.

"Just a bunch of nuts hanging out in a tree," called Sara.

He felt asleep the moment his head hit the pillow and she sat there a moment kneeling by his bed before kissing him lightly on the forehead and then closely the door gently.

Grissom came upstairs with Bruno by his side. She glanced down at him.

"You're limping," she said.

"Kind of hard for an old man to climb up and down that ladder," he said with a grin.

"I can't believe you got Brass and Doc to climb up there," she said with a slight smile.

"I think he liked it…I wish I had a treehouse when I was his age," smiled Grissom.

"I'm not sure who enjoyed it more, Matthew or you and the guys."

He displayed his boyish grin as he started to pull her toward the bedroom but she stopped.

"I'm not tired. You go ahead," she said.

He stared at her as he yawned but leaned over and kissed her.

"Don't stay up too late," he said as he turned and went inside.

She stood there quietly in the hallway and waited to hear them sleeping. Once she was sure they were both asleep, she opened the guestroom and stepped inside shutting the door.

She stared at the baby bed let her fingers grasp the railing once more. She remembered all of her hopes and fears as she had helped Brad put it together and now its job was finished. She sighed and gulped back the tears as she pulled out the small tool kit she had put inside the room earlier. With each bolt loosened, she let the tears drop until she sat there swiping at her eyes trying to finish the job before they woke. As the baby bed slowly became dismantled, she heard the door open and she forced herself to continue with the task.

She felt his hand take the wrench from hers as she sat there and watched him finish the job. He then took the pieces placing them in the attic before returning to find her still sitting in the floor. He sat down with her and pulled her into his arms.

"You're going to regret getting down here with that knee," she sniffled.

"No I won't," he whispered.

"I needed to do this," she said.

"I know," he said.

"It doesn't mean…if it happens, it happens. I just don't want to look at this every day and think of what could have been," she whispered.

"Me too," he gulped.

They were quiet for a moment resting on each other's strength.

"Sara?"

"Hmmm?"

"Is Matthew and me enough?" he asked.

She swallowed hard.

"You're all I ever wanted," she said.

He kissed her lovingly on the lips.

Note from author:

Sigh….give the review and then take a deep breath. Take care! Penny


	40. Chapter 40

**Chapter Forty:**

"You never should have encouraged him to climb!" she yelled at him in the emergency room.

They stood there and watched as she unloaded on him.

"Sara, he's a…"

"Don't give me that 'he's a boy' crap! I'm a mother!" she yelled.

"Sara, I'm sure it's just a…"

They stopped as soon as the doctor came out and stood in front of them.

"Gil, Sara we have to stop meeting like this. We need to talk about your son's antics."

She glared at Grissom.

Nick and Greg chuckled.

"Is it broken?" she asked quickly.

"No. It's spranged. He won't be running around for awhile so that should cut down on the ER visits," grinned Doctor Phillips.

His grin soon faded the moment he saw Sara's expression.

"What did he do this time?" asked Dr. Phillips.

"Peggy said he climbed up into the tree house when he refused to take a bath and then climbed on top of the railing. He told her he was going to fly….he had on his superman cape," said Sara.

Grissom grinned as Nick and Greg chuckled.

She turned her wrath on all of them.

"This is not funny! He could have broken his neck! He's three a half and has been in the ER four times in the last three months!" she yelled now letting her voice quiver.

Grissom stopped chuckling.

"Sara…"

"Don't Sara me! You didn't see him push his tricycle down the stairs just to see how many times it would bounce…he was on it!" she yelled.

"Then there was the time he piled the pillows up in the living room and began jumping on them all the while pretending to be leaping tall buildings like superman only to miss the pillows and land on his arm."

She stood there fuming.

"We won't even talk about the time he managed to get his window open and decided he would just climb out onto that damn tree out back. I'm going to cut it down!" she yelled.

"I'll talk with him," said Grissom trying to pull her into his arms.

"No more!" she said as she began to cry. "No more!"

He rubbed her back as she stood there sobbing feeling helpless.

"I'm sorry Sara…so sorry."

"He's all we've got…if anything ever happens to him…"

"Sara?" said Greg.

She turned to look at Greg.

"My mom just had me. She kept me from doing sports and anything that might give me a scratch. I hated it….Don't get me wrong. I still loved her…cause…I was a momma's boy too but I was never happy," he said.

She sniffled before pulling Greg into the embrace and Grissom awkwardly hugged them both.

"Sara, he can go home now," said Dr. Phillips.

"Thanks," she managed to get out.

She sat there that night and watched him sleeping. Grissom slowly pulled her from the room and made her come to bed.

"I've talked with him," he said.

"You didn't scare him did you?" she asked.

"No…maybe a little," he admitted.

"I don't want to scare him…I just want him to think before he…" she yawned.

"Sleep. You've been up a lot lately worrying about him," he said.

She kissed him lightly on the lips and slept. Their shifts merged into one another as the graveyard worked a double. She smiled and kidded with them as she came on site.

"I have coffee," she said holding up the container holding the cups.

"Thank God," said Catherine.

She passed them out and then came to assist him.

"Been down on your knees long?" she asked.

"Not long," he said with a smile.

"We finished our case early so I thought I would come and help out," she said.

"How was Matthew this morning?" he asked.

"Promising me he wouldn't make me cry anymore," she said with a frown.

"I tried to play on his sympathy and love for you," he said.

"You should have told him you would spank him if he…"

"We've never laid a hand on him," said Grissom.

"Maybe we should if he keeps doing things like this," she said.

He stared at her.

"You would never hurt a hair on his head."

"You could."

"No, I'm not," he said.

She grinned.

"Good, then you won't be upset when you find out he ripped up your official ownership certificate of Trigger."

"He's not supposed to be in my desk!"

"He's not supposed to be flying off of things either," she quipped.

"His behavior is getting out of hand," said Grissom.

"So…what are you going to do about it?" she challenged.

"I'm going to…we'll have to talk about punishment," he said matter of fact.

She chuckled, "thought so."

"What's that suppose to mean?" he asked as she walked away.

"You're just as soft as I am," she called over her shoulder.

They finished the scene and they were back in the office within a few hours. She sat there and told herself that she would feel better the moment she got home. She stood forcing herself to breathe in and out slowly.

"Sara?" asked Nick who came to sit beside her. "You okay?"

"Can't catch my breath," she said.

"Got your inhaler?" he asked.

"It's in my locker," she said. "Nick, I feel a little lightheaded."

"Stay. I'll get it," he said.

She nodded as she clutched the table and told herself to breathe once more.

_Stupid desert…._

_Stupid heat…_

_Too hot…_

_Just need to rest…._

It had been an unusual fall and she had worked a case outside near the desert for several hours before getting relieved and had then decided to assist graveyard. She knew she had not been doing her breathing treatments and she would soon hear Grissom's wrath. She had been too busy focusing on Matthew and his antics.

Nick grabbed Warrick in the hallway.

"Find Grissom! Sara's having trouble breathing. She's in the break room. I'm going to get her inhaler," he yelled.

He returned and handed her the inhaler.

She took it quickly and used it feeling the release in her lungs.

"Better?"

She nodded.

Grissom hurried into the room and knelt down beside her.

"Sara?"

"It's better," she said still trying to slow her breathing.

"You're not fine!"

She started to rise and he pushed her back down in the seat.

"Stay put!" he ordered as he phoned Doc.

"Gil…"

"Just a quick check of your lungs," he said.

She saw the fear in his eyes and she nodded.

She sat there while Doc listened and she smiled at him.

"My lungs are fine," she said.

"She's right," said Doc looking at Grissom.

He let out a long sigh. "You shouldn't have gone out there again. No more. Every time you go out there, your lungs…"

"Gil, I'm fine."

He said nothing more but turned away.

Doc winked at her and then left.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry."

"I do…every time you go out in the field now."

"Don't."

"Promise me, you'll pass over an assignment if you have to go anywhere near that damn desert."

She nodded.

"Home?" she asked.

They drove together as she promised to take the next day off and rest. The evening was spent with Matthew and Bruno and he found she had disappeared within a few hours. He walked upstairs and found her fast asleep on the bed. He gently covered her with a blanket and ran his hand quickly across her forehead and found it cool.

He sat there and told himself not to worry when she slept through dinner and then asked to stay in bed once she woke saying she was still tired. He kept Matthew downstairs until Mrs. Donner arrived then slipped back upstairs to lay with her before shift. He worried during the shift and found himself staring at the clock. He fumbled his way through assignments until Catherine yelled at him.

"Go home," she said. "It's a quiet night. Take advantage of it."

It was all the incentive he needed. He rushed out calling her as he slid into the vehicle.

"Want some company tonight?" he asked.

She smiled.

"How about some dinner?" she asked.

"Just want you," he said.

"I could…"

"No. Stay in bed. Rest," he said.

"Gil, I'm fine."

"I'll bring something home," he said.

"You spoil me," she said.

She heard the click of the phone as she smiled staring down at the book in her hand.

Note from author:

I think we can finish this today. Take care! Penny


	41. Chapter 41

**Chapter Forty One:**

He stopped at their favorite restaurant in town and picked up dinner rushing home to find her fast asleep once more. He tiptoed out of the room and went into Matthew's room.

"She's been in bed most of the day," said Peggy.

"Did she say how she was feeling?" he asked.

"Tired. I've tried to see if she's been using the inhaler but she's had the door shut most of the day."

"That's not like her. She usually leaves it cracked for Matthew," he said.

"Gil, I'm worried about her," said Mrs. Donner.

"Me too," he said as he talked softly so Matthew would not hear.

"I could take Matthew for a few hours this evening," she offered.

He looked at Matthew.

"How about a visit at Grandma Peggy's?" asked Grissom.

"Can Bruno come too?" he asked.

Mrs. Donner smiled. "They like playing in the creek."

She woke to find the house quiet. She rose to find him sitting in the chair in the room.

"Hey," he said softly.

"I'm sorry. I must have dozed off again," she said. She looked around.

"It's too quiet. Where's Matthew?" she asked.

"He and Bruno are playing in the creek at the Donner's," said Grissom.

She smiled.

"Looks like we have the house to ourselves."

He smiled. "Interested in dinner?"

"Not right now."

He frowned.

"You okay?'" he asked.

"Just tired."

He noticed the inhaler sitting next to the bed.

"Used that much today?" he asked.

"Just once…I've a confession," she said.

He sat there and looked at her.

"I haven't been doing my breathing treatments like I should…I know…lesson learned. I won't slack off again," she said pulling herself up to a sitting position.

He started to say something but stopped. She was tired and his anger would not help matters.

"We need to talk," she said.

He felt the lump in this throat as he slid out of the chair and came to sit on the bed next to her.

"You're sick, aren't you?"

"Gil, I haven't been feeling well for awhile. Truth be told, I'm tired…"

"Stop! You sound like that letter," he said grasping her hand.

She took a deep breath and handed him the book.

"What's this?" he asked.

"It's my pregnancy book," she said.

"Your…"

"I kept up with my pregnancy week to week…it gave me something to do while I was in bed most of the time," she said.

"I didn't know there was another book," he said softly.

"I put it away in the closet. I took it down today," she said.

"Wanted to go down memory lane?" he asked.

She handed him the pregnancy stick and smiled.

"There are two lines this time," she said.

He stared at her in disbelief before smiling.

"How far along do you think…"

"I could be eight or nine weeks," she said. "I didn't bother taking the test last month since I had skipped a month before…I couldn't face that stick…the disappointment but then I began getting tired…too tired," she said as she yawned.

"I thought it was because of Matthew," he said. "You've been worried a lot about him."

"I didn't mind. His antics kept me distracted so I wouldn't think about this all the time," she said pointing at the pregnancy test.

"Any of symptoms?" he asked.

"Mood swings…get ready…Brad said I could be a bear sometimes. I've been a little nauseous."

He took her hand and kissed the palm of it.

"You need to start reading. It wasn't an easy pregnancy," she said.

"It could be different this time," he said.

"It already is. You're here, we have Matthew and Bruno and the rest of my family."

"Scared?" he asked.

"Tired….very tired."

"Is that normal?" he asked worried.

"My body is trying to adjust. I'll sleep a lot, eat more…spend a lot of time in the bathroom….I would like to put up new wallpaper before the morning sickness gets too bad…I hated staring at that stuff last time."

He grinned. "I'll get on it right away."

"Happy?" she asked.

"You've always made me happy," he said.

"Nervous?" she asked.

"I'll be fine. You've already shown me how to breathe when things get rough."

They smiled.

"Feel like eating?" he asked.

She nodded.

He disappeared for a little while and returned with a tray. They sat there and ate together in bed.

"Gil?"

"Hmmm?" he said as she laid her head down on his shoulder.

"I wrote out my resignation today," she said.

He stiffened.

"You could take a leave of absence," he said.

"I want this," she said.

"This?"

"Being home with Matthew. I want to spend as much time with him as I can before the pregnancy prevents me from doing things. I was on bed rest a lot during the first pregnancy," she said.

"Sara, do what makes you happy," he said.

"You make me happy," she said. "It's just a job."

He grinned.

"I could leave graveyard," he offered. "That way I would be home…"

"If you switched to days, you would still work doubles…besides, you wouldn't like first shift or second or swing…graveyard suits you….you're with the rest of our family who look after you."

"My family is you and Matthew and this baby."

She grinned.

"Gil, do what makes you happy," she said.

"You're using my words," he said kissing her on the forehead.

"It's good advice," she said.

"If you did go into labor at night, I would already be dressed and awake," he said.

She smiled. "Like I said, you do your best work at night."

"We have the house to ourselves right now," he whispered.

"I'll never get tired of making love to you," she said.

"Good, cause after there's another child in the house, we'll have to be creative on how to find time alone," he said.

She grinned. "I'm sure we'll find ways."

They both laughed.

The End.


	42. Chapter 42

**Chapter Forty Two**

**Epilogue:**

He knew he was in trouble the moment he tried to slide down the banister and now he felt her gaining distance. He flew to the tree house and climbed up the ladder pulling it up behind him. It had been Greg's idea to change the ladder from wooden to rope and now he was glad he had talked his dad into changing it. Matthew stood there now secure in the fact that she would not be able to follow.

"Mom, let's talk about this," he tried.

"Matthew, come down here now!" she yelled.

"You're upset. Let's wait awhile," he said.

"One," she yelled.

Greg chuckled. "Griss, she's counting."

Grissom got up from the table and looked out the back door. "What number is she on?"

"One," said Greg.

Grissom smiled. "It's still early."

He started to sit back down when Catherine glared at him.

"Get your ass out there and do something."

"This is between Sara and Matthew," he said.

"My money is on Sara," said Greg.

"I don't know. A pregnant woman versus a four year old….Matthew may win this round," said Nick.

"Griss, you should do something," said Warrick.

Grissom sighed and stepped outside.

"Stay out of this!" she yelled.

He froze.

"He's coming down now!" she yelled.

"Dad, she's mad. I'm scared," he said.

"Don't you give me that bull Matthew James Grissom! You better be scared!" she yelled.

Grissom smirked.

Matthew stood there with arms folded. Grissom glanced at Sara who stood with arms folded.

"This is enough!" he said to both of them.

"What did he do?" asked Grissom.

"He tried to slide down the banister," she said.

"Greg did it," said Matthew.

They glared at Greg.

Greg closed the back door.

"Come down now!" said Sara.

"No."

"Fine," she said.

Grissom glanced up at Matthew. "Matthew, she said fine. You better come down. She only says fine like that when she's really mad."

"No."

Sara walked over to the side of the house and picked up the water hose turning on the water. She returned with it in hand.

The others soon found themselves plastered to the window.

"I've changed my mind. My money is on Sara," laughed Warrick.

"Sara, what are you going to do?" asked Grissom.

"He's coming down now," she warned.

"Matthew, I would come down now," said Grissom.

"No."

She turned on the water and plastered the front of the treehouse sending the boy backwards onto the wooden floor. He screamed as he tried to fight off the water explosion.

"Had enough?" she asked.

"Stop! Please mom, stop," he begged.

"Down here now," she said.

He dropped the ladder and came down running to stand behind Grissom.

She glared at both of them.

"See this treehouse?" she asked.

They nodded.

"You're grounded. No playing in it until I say so."

"But…"

"I have an ax. I can cut it down."

They nodded.

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"You're wet."

She glanced down at her feet and then back at Grissom.

"Looks like both of you need to change," said Grissom.

She nodded.

"Gil, have Greg take Matthew upstairs without touching the banister and change his clothes. Call Mrs. Donner to come and stay with Matthew."

He looked at her odd.

"My water broke."

His eyes grew wide and then he was scrambling around while she stood there and watched. She shook her head as she slowly made her way into the house as the others began heading to their vehicles. She calmly walked up into the house slipping off her shoes and then climbed the stairs. She stepped into the shower while she heard them trying to dress Matthew while fielding a hundred questions. She grinned followed by a smile followed by a soft chuckle.

It was happening.

After a few false alarms, she was finally going to deliver their other son and she felt ready. She had battled with Matthew throughout the pregnancy and she knew she was prepared for whatever this other son of Grissom's had to throw her way. She was ready. She stepped out and dressed ignoring the first twinge of the contraction. She knew there would be more and they would no doubt be intense but she didn't mind. She would soon be holding her new son and rocking him. There would be no waiting this time. The pregnancy had been different. It had been uneventful except for the antics of Matthew. He had kept her busy during these months.

It had been her decision to leave her job. She did it knowing that she would want to devote every minute concentrating on the pregnancy as well as preparing Matthew for the new addition. He had taken the news quite well thinking it would be a distraction from him and he would be able to explore more, discover new things and try to figure out where his dad had hidden the Chem Lab 500 Uncle Greg had gotten for him. He was sure it was locked in that desk of his. Yes, even Matthew was ready for the new addition.

She went down stairs and stopped to listen. Matthew was now dressed as Greg and Grissom ushered him down the stairs. She stepped outside and sat down in the swing and smiled. She could hear him calling for her but it was peaceful out there on the front porch and she decided to give herself another moment of bliss before letting him know where she was and watch him slowly fall apart. She snickered.

She imagined it would be like this. He would be calm up until this moment and then all scientific logic would be thrown out the window as he fumbled about trying to make sense of the tiniest of things. He rushed outside now and frowned when he saw her sitting there.

"I've been calling for you!" he said now out of breath.

"Come sit down," she said as she patted the seat beside her.

He did so and then turned quickly.

"Was this just another false alarm? Some kind of joke?" he asked.

"No. I've already had two contractions," she said.

He was pulling her up now.

"Greg is going to stay until Mrs. Donner gets here," he said. "Let's go."

She refused to budge.

"Sara!"

"We have time. Let's enjoy this moment," she said.

He looked at her as if she had lost her mind but then he realized he was on the verge of losing his and he decided to join her.

She smiled when he sat back down and placed his arm around her.

"See, isn't this nice," she said.

He tried to smile.

She looked at him.

"Breathe….breathe in and out," she said softly.

"Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"You're going to have two boys soon. Matthew…"

"He's so much like you….and me."

"What about this one?" he asked.

"I hope he's just like Matthew," she said with a smile.

He arrived a few hours later. He refused to cry but instead looked curiously at the doctor and then at his parents. His lower lip quivered and Grissom chuckled.

"He looks like you," he whispered.

"He has your expressions…look how he furrows his eye brows…so serious…reminds me of Matthew when he was a baby."

"His name…we've never decided…"

"You pick this time," she said.

"Are you sure? I mean my family has a history of strange names…just look at mine, Gilbert," he said.

She grinned. "Just don't name him after yourself."

He grinned.

"What about William?" he asked. "After Shakespeare."

"That's nice."

"William…I have no clue for the middle name…why didn't we do this before now?" he asked.

"We've been busy with Matthew."

He frowned.

"What about Nicholas?" she asked.

"Should I be concerned that you want me to name my son after another man?"

She grinned.

"We could call him Nicky."

"Greg will be mad."

"Nick will be ecstatic," she said.

"Why Nicky?" he asked.

"Jealous?" she asked.

"Just curious," he smiled.

"Nick was the first man who told me he loved me."

His smiled faded.

"Should we be having this discussion on our son's birth?"

"He loves me in a sisterly way," she added, "but it's still love."

She stared at the baby.

"He kept telling me you would come around…be patient. I did. You did."

"I like the name. William Nicholas," said Grissom with a twinkle in his eye.

"We could also call him Billy….in case he turns out like Billy the kid," mused Grissom.

She frowned but it soon turned to a smile when she leaned over and kissed the baby.

"Greg will be mad but I'll make it up to him," she said.

"How are you going to do that?" he asked now holding the baby.

"I'll name the next one after him," she said.

Grissom gawked.

"Two is enough," he said. "Sara, if William is anything like Matthew we'll need therapy in a few years."

"They're your boys…besides it might be a girl next time."

He smiled. "Three is a good even number."

She smirked ignoring the fallacy of his statement.

The End.

Note from author:

Thanks to all of my loyal readers who take the time and leave a review with each chapter. I am always grateful. I will try to finish up the next story. Believe it or not, it will be humor/romance/angst. I know you will believe it when you read it, right? LOL I hope to have it posted in a week or so. I also plan to finish up the other story. It picks up the night Sara leaves in the taxi….much different version….than TV. Anyway, take care ! Penny


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